I am married and I met this married woman on a dating site. I've been with her for about 6 months and we got on really well together in all respects. The issues that we've had are regarding the residual profiles I had that were still on various dating sites.

The first incident happened after about 3 months . I told her that I was being considered for an overseas job and she took it really badly saying that I should have consulted her first and just broke up with me. After a couple of weeks I managed to get her to meet me. She asked me if I had found anyone else and if I had been on the dating sites to which I replied negatively. Although I hadn't actually deleted them all I did occasionally surf them and had a look but never bothered to meet anyone. She however caught me out lying and took it very bady and just didn't want to speak to me. I was distraught with anguish and pain for losing her. It happened that after some weeks I managed to get her back and everything seemed normal again.

However there was one profile which I hadn't deleted from which sometimes I would receive email 'matches' in my inbox . On this occasion a female profile from my locality appeared and I just couldn't resist the temptation to look up the profile and I stupidly sent a virtual kiss.This was a payment site and I was not a paid up member. I had no intention at all of ever meeting. It just happened that this profile was of my mistress who was posing as another person doing an assignment and you can all imagine what happened next.

I was confronted with the situation and immediately realised what happened . I tried to cover it up with all sorts of excuses, essentially lies, but all to no avail she just wouldn't take it and just would not see me or talk to me. After I managed to talk to her through skype she kept telling me that I hurt her immensely and that she lost all trust and respect for me and does not want to see me again. I have apologised profusely for my stupid actions and told her how sorry I was for hurting her . I asked how I could possibly make it up. I asked her to help me change. I sent her roses. I told her that I love her and that I only ever wanted her. All to no avail. She told me that it's over and that she wants to move on. What should I do? I just can't stop thinking about her.

You are talking about trust, fidelity, and honesty, when you are married, and your girlfriend is married, and you are both cheating on your spouses?

Are you serious?

Are you looking for relationship advice on how to manage two married women at the same time? Or, how to gain insight and understanding on relationship problems with your married girlfriend, or perhaps your wife? Are you looking for tips on how to win over a married woman while maintaining a cheating relationship with your wife? How to hide evidence, sneak around, and spend money and time with another woman without getting caught?

Do you really expect sympathy? Understanding? Just what planet are you living on!!

You have no moral compass. While you cheat on your wife with a married woman who is cheating on her husband, you can't seriously expect anyone to take your tales of woe seriously.

Dating sites? Dating sites while you are married? Cheating on your married girlfriend via dating sites?

Wow.

I do hope that there are no children involved here. And I do hope someday you put your big boy pants on, and get a divorce, and allow your wife the option of leaving a lying cheating husband and find a man who is a little higher up the food chain.

What motivates you is very disturbing. You come across as though you are an upstanding honest faithful man, yet it is with regard to maintaining an affair with a married woman, behind your wife's back.

This has to be some sort of school project, or college prank. Surely you can't be serious.

To Jake2008

May I just tell you that there are very serious motivations why we are both seeking partners outside both our marriages. I will not be elaborating on that as it was not the scope of my original question. I will only state that in the country we both live in there is no divorce.

Contrary to what you implied I never ever cheated on my partner not even by thought. I was just taken over by curiosity and looking just like any person would do in a street. Having said that however it certainly is no justification and excuse for lying.

This is a very serious question: If you are both married and unable to divorce, where do you see this relationship going? If she takes you back what future is there for the relationship? If divorce is not allowed are there laws against adultery?

Quite frankly, there isn't anything you can do to 'win' her back until she is willing to forgive. She has to be ready to allow the trust to be rebuilt. It doesn't sound like she is any where close to calming down enough to give herself permission to trust you again.

I don't know why you are looking for a mistress instead of working on your marriage. You married your wife for a reason. I would hope that love was one of those reasons. I would also hope that you have put as much if not more work into building your marriage as you have in looking for and trying to keep a mistress.

I hope your mistress has been honest with you about her marriage. Are you certain she isn't using your lying as an excuse to end the relationship before any lies of her own come to light?

To Cat1864

In actual fact the relationship was not going anywhere and we both knew it. It was just making both our marriages bearable I suppose. We both had our own reasons for not being able to separate from our spouses. In our country there are no laws against adultery either.

I also did love my wife very much and we had some wonderful times together but due to a serious of unfortunate circumstances which were beyond our control resentment from her part has crept in and cummunication is very difficult. Intimacy is non existent. Not making things any easier is the fact that there's a chronic B.P. disorder issue.

As for your last statement.

Quote:

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I hope your mistress has been honest with you about her marriage. Are you certain she isn't using your lying as an excuse to end the relationship before any lies of her own come to light?

---

To be quite honest that thought has crossed my mind but I have nothing to substantiate it.

Do you have marriage counseling available? Is it something you would be willing to look into for yourself even if your wife isn't willing to try?

I have tried talking to my wife about counselling but she's just not interested.

Would you be willing to go on your own? Perhaps if she saw you trying to learn new ways to reach out to her, she might try reaching out on her own. It isn't a quick fix, but is it better to try than to throw it all away for a temporary relationship?

Is she getting any help for the B.P. disorder?

I am willing to go to counselling on my own as I wish to discuss some personal issues too. Main issue being why do I self destructedly seek other women when I'm happy in a relationship?

She always goes off treatment as soon as she starts feeling better although all specialists keep telling her that she has to stay on the treatment. It's been quite some time now that she's been off treatment.

May I suggest, you leave other females alone and deal with your wife?

Instead of adultery, seek your own counseling... alone to find a more positive way of changing YOUR behavior, and seeking better solutions for YOUR unfortunate circumstances.

Rather than be distracted by quick fix, feel good, questionable actions, get a better solution from an expert. No matter the laws and traditions there are legal remedies for bad marriages in whatever country you are in and you should at least consult with someone to give you proper directions, rather rely on some goody on the side that as you see, can be as hard as a bad marriage to live with.

Is there anyone she might listen to who can get her back on her medications? Do you have a good support system for trying to work with your wife?

Counseling may help give you tools for dealing with her. If it doesn't do anything else it should give you some of the support you need so that you don't feel like you are going crazy.

You have my sympathy in dealing with someone who needs help but doesn't want or believe she needs it. I have an aunt with B.P. disorder who I have lost touch with because she won't stay on her medications. On the other hand, I have a sister-in-law who is also B.P. who has been married to and successfully helping my brother-in-law build and run a business. So there is hope.

Give counseling a chance and see what options there are for you that don't include damaging your own self-respect.

Thank you all for your comments and advise they have surely been most inspiring. A male friend of mine who is a therapist will be referring me to somebody suitably qualified to deal with my case.

In the meantime I wish to let you know that during these past couple of days I have managed to make contact with my mistress, I don't really know if that is the correct term to use now, since I have realised that I love her so much. She seems to have realised too how sorry I have been for causing her so much pain. And she has forgiven me. I was having my doubts about her and maybe that could have been a reason why I behaved in that manner.

Although not an ideal solution in many respects, in view of our present circumstances, this situation will have to prevail for the foreseeable future. In both our cases we do not want to hurt or humiliate our respective spouses.

"I am married and I met this married woman on a dating site."
Stop right there. Bad move.

"there are very serious motivations why we are both seeking partners outside both our marriages"
What are they? Id like to know.
Yours anyway.

" will only state that in the country we both live in there is no divorce"

No excuse. You got married.

What was the question? Oh, yeah:

"I lied to my mistress and she dumped me."

You're a liar & cheater.