My husband doesn't spend time with me. We had a love marriage and we hve been married for 4 years.. In the beginning, we were staying away frm my inlaws for about 3 months. He would come home from work, eat dinner, and start talking on phone with them until midnight. Then we shifted with my in laws. Since then, he just keeps sitting with them, comes to the room very late in the night. He doesn't like to go out on weekends, except for if it's a family get together or something.. In the last 4 years, this is the only major issue on which we have argued... n I don't know how many times.. he says he loves me but he wants his space.. but I'm unable to undrstand what is love, if he doesn't want to spend some alone time with me... he says, you also sit with all of us.. but I don't connect too well with his parents, and then I like to spend some time with just my husband.. is it too much to ask for? I am almost in a state of depression, but am unable to find a solution.. I have told him that lets have a child, so that I will have someone with whom I am emotionally connected... but he says he doesn't want any more responsibilities... Please help..

Hello sumedha,
This is very difficult for you.I am not sure what your culture is, but is it accepted that the whole family live together as one family in your culture?
You say that your husband comes to your room very late at night,do you not share a room? Is it that he comes when the rest of the family have gone to bed?
Surely if you love each other he should put you before his family you are his wife.I don't understand why he would not wish to spend time alone with you,that's what couples are all about.It seems that he wants to be part of his family above everything else,he also doesn't understand why you cannot just do as he does.

I can see that the family is very important to him,but he should also realise that you are very young and need to go out alone,without family.If he loves you he should be trying another way of sorting this out,not just dis-missing it by saying you can also sit with the family,he is not understanding or he just wants things his way.

Do you have family that you can go and stay with for a while,I hope so because you really need some mutual support right now.If you can stay away for a few weeks perhaps your husband might begin to realise how all of this has affected you,maybe he can visit you without his family around which will enable you both to sort this situation out once and for all.You most definitely cannot go on like this.
You need to make some sort of stand now or this situation will go on year after year.. Takecare

Hi, thanks a lot for your answer. Yes, we do share a room, and you are right that he comes to the room only when all others (his parents) have gone to bed. We are Indians, and in our culture, it is common to stay with parents. However, there should be some kind of balance.

I have my folks, but they aren't in the same town. And I am working so its not easy to go and stay with them for a long time. But, after 4 years of going through all this, for the first time I spoke about it to my mother and a very close cousin sister of mine. I think it had all just built up inside me, and I was very depressed. Now that I have poured my heart out, I feel much lighter... and also much closer to my mom.

They have advised me to be normal and just ignore him for a while, not be bothered by whether he comes to me or not. They are of the view that he will himself change if I stop expecting.. m doing that, hopefully things will be better...

However, what is worse is that I tried to share this with my in laws, to let them know that I am depressed because he doesn't spend time with me... instead of trying to solve our problem, they have stopped talking to me altogether... the environment at home has become so negative... n it makes me feel guilty about even talking about my problem... I hope there will be a way out of all this..

Hi Sumedha,

I am so glad that you confided in your mum and cousin sister,it always lightens the load when you have told another person your problems no matter what they may be.Your mum has given you advice which is good, you can try this for a while to see if there is any change,hopefully there will be.

I think confiding in your inlaws was never going to be good,your husband as far as they are concerned will always be in the right.They will all stand together.This is a shame because they could have stood back thought about the situation,then perhaps talked to your husband about this problem.Their words would have had a huge influence on him,which would have made him think deeply about your situation,thus probably resolving it.

There is no reason why you should feel at all guilty,you were asking for some guidance from your inlaws,they should have supported you and been honoured that you felt you could ask them.Surely the elders of the family are there to help in what ever way they can,in your case they have isolated you even more.This is so unfair.I really feel for you.

The atmospere in the house must be unbearable at times,it's good that you work which relieves pressure on you for a while.I would go and see your mum as much as possible she will support you and help you come through this.Do you have any holidays from work that you could book in? if only a week,it would give you some healing time and relaxation from this situation until it is resolved.

I wonder if there is any chance in the future for you and your husband to have a place of your own,or is the situation such that all monies earned by everyone in the household goes into one pot?

If this is the case will you always be living with your inlaws? I sincerely hope not,you did say that the first three months you were away from your inlaws,but then your husband spoke on the phone the whole night to them.I think no one would put up with this on a permanent basis, no matter what their culture is,your husband seems to revolve his life around the family,you're his family as well and he needs to include you in everything he does,otherwise what is the point of being married,he doesn't even want children.I know he says he doesn't want the responsibility,but he could have said: "maybe in a few years time when we have a bit more money",it sounded very cold.

Sumedha, I really truelly hope this sorts itself out for the both of you,I can clearly see the family are the root of your husbands problem,what I cannot see is how you can overcome this without your husband being considerate to your needs,be sure and stay close to your mum who will support and always give good advice to you.

We are all your friends here feel free to come on at any time... takecare

Yeah, thanks a ton for your kind words... its true, sharing with my mum, and especially my sister has made me feel a lot lighter... from what I see, I will be staying with my inlaws for the rest of my life.. my husband is a nice human being... but his parents are too possessive about him... he is also very attached to them... so sometimes I feel that he shoudnt have got married,because he never needed a wife... but then this is where things are...

Its not that he isn't considerate towards me... he is also not comfortable about the fact that my inlaws have deserted me... he feels for me and is very understanding in such situations... but he himself is happier spending most of his time with them... that makes me feel that it is a one sided relationship where only I want to be with him...

As per my mom's and my sis' advice, I have started ignoring him... I don't complain anymore... I just come to my room in the night and do my own stuff, without expecting him to be there with me... I don't question him whatever time he comes in... I also don't expect him to take me out on weekends... just ask him once, if he says no,I don't insist... I can see a slight change in him... dont know if its an illusion or if he is really changing bcoz of my efforts... dont even know how long it will last...

The only problem with me is that I feel very restless if he doesn't come to me... my heart beat increases, I start breathing heavy, and an insecurity feeling sets in... this is what I am trying to overcome... I have started reading now to keep me occupied... but I guess this restlessness will only go with time... for now, things are quite difficult, but m trying to manage...