I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. My ex was physically abusive to me and my children. I found my best friend and boyfriend at work almost 3 yrs ago and he saved me. We were very compatible sexually. I enjoyed making him feel good and I thought he enjoyed our sex life too. For about 18 months we have only had sex twice. There are circumstances, he was very ill and we could not be intimate. Since then he has gotten better but we still have not had sex at all, only pecks on the cheek. We sleep in the same bed every night and I have to hold back tears. I feel completely rejected. I've tried to tell him how I feel but he says it's him not me. I feel selfish most of the time because I have heavy sexual urges and have to masterbate a lot. Masturbation has become sad and lonely and I do not even fulfill my own needs. He is good with my children and completely loyal. I'm not sure about porn or his masturbation habits he won't say. I love him and I'm afraid to lose him but cannot go on this way. I am afraid to initiate any contact because I am afraid of rejection. I've been having weird sex dreams and feeling awful about it what should I do?

How old is he? What sort of illness was it? Is he on any medications? Has he had a lot of stress at work?

All these are issues that can affect his ability to even have sex. And none of them reflect upon you or anything you may or may not have done. So until you can get closer to what happened, try not to take it personal.

He is a diabetic and has chronic pancreatitis due to very high cholesterol. He is 32 and is on insulin. How long should I wait? I've told him that I am hurting and he says he dosen't have any PROBLEMS with that. I think he is masterbating too.

In my opinion I say go for it speak up! Sex is not 100% factor of a relationship but let's be real now it does play a big part in a couples' life. You'll find yourself a lot happier & less to have stress on your heart once you speak up. Think about it the worst he can say is no... Its like getting in trouble at school & the administrator calls you into his office you're afraid to get a suspension because of what your parents will say.. they can't kill you they either let life go on & you get your way or they punish you it's a 50/50 shot it won't kill you!

One thing to remember about masturbating, he doesn't have to be fully hard for it to work. Also the concentration is completely different from worrying about a partner's needs. In other words, masturbation has nothing to do with you.

However, it may have everything to do with fear that he can't perform in bed. He may be hiding a fear of having erectile problems by saying that everything is okay because he doesn't want to know for certain that it isn't.

If you love him, then you should be willing to work with him to get through this. It means he has to be willing to work with you, too.

Try backing off from making demands and work on building up intimacy in other areas. Taking the pressure to have sex off him might help him become more interested.

Keep the lines of communication open. Let him know that you will be willing to work with him, but you need to know he is working on the issues. See if you can find a compromise. There are other ways to find pleasure than sexual intercourse.

Diabetes can definitely be a factor in ED... and I am not sure but I think some of the Colesterol drugs might as well.

And I think that may be the root of the problem most guys would take the inability to "rise to the occaison" quite personally, and very much to heart.

I would ask more about the porn. If it is something he is doing all the time that is most likely your problem. Men get so use to the virtual fantasy world online that they loose interest in the real thing. It destroys relationships and really screws up a man's ability to be with a real woman. People say poen is no big deal and not harmful, that is very wrong. I know I am going through it.

winkshine, I am sorry you are experiencing problems in your relationship due to porn, but this sounds like a medical issue more than a viewing issue. It could even be a drug interaction problem or he could be mentally blocking out any desire for sex due to fear of performance issues.

Also, while porn may be a problem in your relationship, it really isn't for other couples, myself included.

Porn is an epidemic in this country and ruining many marriges and relationships. Some people look at it occasionally and some look at it constantly and do that instead of being close with a real person. Cat, I am glad it is not a problem in your relationship and works for you, in my case I was being totally ignored for a computer...

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Originally Posted by winkshine

Porn is an epidemic in this country and ruining many marriges and relationships. Some people look at it occasionally and some look at it constantly and do that instead of being close with a real person. Cat, I am glad it is not a problem in your relationship and works for you, in my case I was being totally ignored for a computer...

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I disagree with this.

I hoenstly believe that a obsession would have ended your relationship regardless of whether it was porn, WoW, Pogs, or Sports.

Porn isn't an epidemic. People who cannot control their urges and lose sight of what is important are the real problem.

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Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

I disagree with this.

I hoenstly believe that a obession would have ended your relationship regardless of whether or not it was porn, WoW, Pogs, or Sports.

Porn isn't an epidemic. People who cannot control their urges and lose sight of what is important are the real problem.

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ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to CravenMorhead again.

Spot on accurate, Alcohol and drugs as well as abuse have wrecked far more marriages than some films or puictures of naked adults have.

Sorry Craven, but it is an epidemic. I personally know several marriges that have ended due to husbands staring at computer and ignoring their families. Think about all the rapist and perverts and pedophiles, you don't think porn has a hand in some of that? Look how graphic and disgusting most of it is. Those woman are treated like an object and pretend they enjoy what is going on. So men get in it their mind that, that is how woman should be and act. This society is totally screwed up and lost all sense of dignity. People who cannot conrol their urges are addicts and therefore porn is a problem, a serious problem. I am not talking aobut the occasional looker, I am talking about the people that live and breath porn and forget all sense of reality... Take my situation, my boyfriend seemed totally devoted to me and interested in me, as time went on he ignored me more and more and eventually we were living as roomates, he would get up early in the morning and sit on porn sites and when I would try to be close I was rejected cause he had already gotten of on the internet. Therefore my heart and soul have been crushed thinking I was with someone who cared about me.

winkshine, by your own story you were also pregnant which adds another dimension to your situation.

I am not saying that porn can never cause issues. What I am saying is that it is very rarely the only cause. It is usually a symptom of other problems.

The things you cite are not new. What is new is the focus of the media and people having larger soapboxes to stand on.

Couples have always had problems that had to be dealt with. For couples going through difficult times, anything can become a crutch. I knew a man who got into working on cars while his wife was pregnant. It was his escape. Another man ran away from reality by hanging out with friends at the bowling ally. A woman I knew would spend hours shopping. Another one poured all of her attention onto her children. Many more cases with no ties to porn. People becoming obsessed with anything other than working on the issues in their lives.

It is easy to want to blame one thing for all the ills in the world. Unfortunately, it is rarely that simple.

When there are problems in a relationship, it is important to look at the whole. If a single splinter is all that is focused on, a huge stake might be missed.

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Originally Posted by winkshine

Sorry Craven, but it is an epidemic. I personally know several marriges that have ended due to husbands staring at computer and ignoring their families. Think about all the rapist and perverts and pedophiles, you don't think porn has a hand in some of that? Look how graphic and disgusting most of it is. Those woman are treated like an object and pretend they enjoy what is going on. So men get in it their mind that, that is how woman should be and act. This society is totally screwed up and lost all sense of dignity. People who cannot conrol their urges are addicts and therefore porn is a problem, a serious problem. I am not talking aobut the occasional looker, I am talking about the people that live and breath porn and forget all sense of reality....Take my situation, my boyfriend seemed totally devoted to me and interested in me, as time went on he ignored me more and more and eventually we were living as roomates, he would get up early in the morning and sit on porn sites and when I would try to be close I was rejected cause he had already gotten of on the internet. Therefore my heart and soul have been crushed thinking I was with someone who cared about me.

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Have you gotten counseling for this... your reaction is both extreme and unhealthy. Its not about YOU or THE INTERNET. In fact its not a choice he or most people would make or have to make... but having an irrational and extreme response to that, football, or whatever... and you will be driving a wedge between you from THAT action. I've walked out on more than one woman over the years over just those types of demands.

I have no such issues with my wife of 20 years, She doesn't suffer from jealousy over some woman in a film or picture on the internet. I watch what I want, when I want... and I get no crap when I do. I don't frequent the bars with my boys, and I don't disappear for hours on end.

In fact this is more about low self confidence and low self esteem than it is about anything else, and that is an issue you will have to deal with yourself. My wife for example suffers from neither of those.

Winkshine---start your own question. You are hijacking this question.

If you want to DISCUSS porn, you're not going to do it on someone else's question.

There is NO evidence that porn causes the downfall of more relationships than say... alcohol or immaturity or simple selfishness.

Take the porn discussion elsewhere, whether to a question about your own situation or a discussion on one of the discussion boards.

FURTHER hijacking will be deleted. Period.

Cat you have a lot of great points. I have NOT mentioned anything at all about our sex life and remain to be very supportive. I can feel us getting closer. I've resigned to look at it this way, I love him and if he REALLY loves me this is just a phase. I'll have to take the chance. I hope in the end we can overcome this .I really have learned how unimportant sex can be and I've learned that unselfish giving ( me with the time he needs. But it could be anything.)that is reciprocal is a helthy and strong way to build a lifetime together. He once told me and often repeats, Life is a journey not a destination.

Annie, it sounds like a change of perspective and patience are doing well for you.

Remember that he can't know what you think or feel unless you tell him and you can't know unless he tells you. Communications are part of what keep a couple traveling together instead of taking diverging paths.

Sharing your concerns could help him open up about his own especially if he is afraid. You both know what your sex life was like 'before' and he may be concerned that what you would have 'now' won't measure up. For men, that can be a very powerful and deep reaching fear.

It also seems like sex may not be all you are missing. More than sex, are you missing the intimacy and affection? Is that starting to come back? You can encourage it by doing the small things that mean so much but get over-looked so easily such as pecks on the cheek, caresses as you pass by, love notes/texts, etc. Do them because they make you feel good not because you expect anything in return. Showing him that it is 'safe' to show affection may help build up his confidence and give you a firmer foundation to rebuild your sex life on.

It sounds like if the two of you can work together to get through this you will have a very strong and long lasting relationship.

Be open with him and communicate. Good luck.

I have really come to terms with the fact that it is not in my hands. My choices are and I choose to wait. I really appreciate the time you took to awnser. I feel a lot better knowing that I have the opinion of someone who is objective, everyone close to me says to give the ultimatum... I cannot. I think that would drive him further away. Cat you are awsome. Xoxoxo