Wondering About the Bounds of Appropriateness
Hi Everyone -
This is my first time posting here. I got a new job about 6 months ago and have become very good friends with one of my co-workers (we are both in our early 20s). She has been married now for about 7 months. I am wondering about the appropriateness of our friendship and wanted to get the advice of others because I have never dealt with being friends with a married woman before.
First, I am not attracted to her - I know that I would be if she were not married, but having become attracted to unavailable women in the past I know what a mistake it is. Further, I see no real signs that she is attracted to me. However, at times I am concerned that our friendship is developing much too rapidly and that there will be problems in the future (more and more I am starting to say to myself, "This is going to be trouble").
We do not spend time together outside the workplace (I was thinking of offering to hang out with her if she was bored when her husband sometimes works late, but have decided against that), but when we have free time at work and happen to be in the same space (we don't consciously seek each other often to socialize), we talk A LOT - 2 to 3 hours, fairly regularly. We both know we should be doing work, but we can't seem to stop ourselves, it just comes too naturally. Also, up until recently we shared things we told each other with other workplace friends (gossip, etc.) but now I find we are just telling each other things and keeping them secret from everyone else and in some ways are even beginning to socially isolate ourselves from our other friends. Whereas before our friendship was definitely on par with those we had with other co-workers, now we are clearly each other's "best friend," at least as far as the workplace goes. We are starting to joke around a lot more than we have in the past - I would not consider it flirtatious, but it is definitely very familiar.
I have only met her husband twice and he seems like a nice guy - she always talks about him and is very, very much in love with him. However, the second time I met him she acted very differently towards me than when he is not around - in some ways I feel we CANNOT interact the way we do normally when he is present because we both feel it would be inappropriate (although we have not discussed this). Further, she often comments on how her husband and I are similar in many ways and is surprised at the degree to which we agree about some things. She also seems to take what I say fairly seriously as she will return to discussion points from a few days past and comment on how she had been thinking about what I said and how that has led to a change in her opinions on some matters.
My major concern is that in time things will become problematic between the two of us. If we have become this close so quickly AND so soon after she has gotten married, what will happen when that "honeymoon glow" wears off? I don't want things to become awkward between us nor do I want her husband to become angry at me/us because I wouldn't want our friendship to be disrupted because I value it highly and respect her a great deal.
I don't know the "rules" for friendships with married women (if there are any) - is what we are doing inappropriate? Am I just being overly neurotic in thinking that things could become inappropriate in the future? If things are inappropriate, what should I do to fix them without making it obvious that I am consciously altering the dynamics of our relationship?
Thanks for any advice that can be offered.