My fiancŽ and I have been dating for 3 years. I recently moved to a larger city to attend law school and she is 5 hours away. She recently applied for a new job here. She doesn't respond well to stress and basically acts like a spaz and shuts down when something stresses her out.

She has PMDD which means that the week prior to her period, she is just down right mean. Its been this way for our three years together, and this is the time when we have split up, its been the week before her period. She is also a bad alcoholic. The past few weeks she has been stressed out about moving up here and the wedding at the beginning of the summer. Recently she has been going out drinking with her girlfriends and getting all hammered before she has to go to work. Her drinking has become so bad that I have trying to get her to stop going to bars till 3 am. She finds my behavior as controlling and that I am being over bearing, but I feel that I am only looking out for the best interest of her and our relationship.

She had a complete melt down this week before her period. She is losing her hair and said that the relationship is just too much for her to deal with right now in light of everything that she has going on. She said that she needs a break to get herself right. She said that she doesn't know why she feels the way she does. She said that she is very depressed and right now she doesn't think that she wants any more children and can't deal with the thought of getting married.

She said that she is not going to date and that is loves me, but she is just overloaded. She called me three times on Sat night but I haven't heard from her since then, granted its only Monday at 9am, how do I deal with the trainload of baggage?

My game plan is to give her all the space she wants, I'm 36 in law school, so I've played the games. Ill cut my hand off before id call her. But it doesn't make the anxiety go away. I love her, or I wouldn't have asked her to marry me. But her undiagnosed PMDD and self destructive behavior is killing us. Any advice?

Seems to me she might have lost out on her child hood party life or wants to be single for a while to figure her feelings out or this reaction has something to do with her past or her parents relationships .she may come back your way when she thinks she has lost you ,but when she does it may be to late you may of moved on .

She is 30. She had her first child at 19 and first marriage too. Then at 25 she had her second child and second marriage. She keeps on partying like she is 19.

Wow if she's been married twice she doesn't take any relationship serious and won't until she's 50 then she might

PMDD is a serious medical disorder, diagnosed by qualified professionals. It is something that requires treatment, just like any other diagnosed medical disorder.

Alchololism on top of that, that is not under control, in addition to the PMDD, is a powderkeg of explosions, made all the worse by her inability to address these two issues, and learn how to control herself, and take responsibility for herself.

First off, has she been clinically diagnosed, is she under any sort of care for her disorder, and has she gone to any sort of therapy, with or without you. Is there a connection between these disorders, and the failed marriages, and more importantly, how are you coping with her. Is there a lot of arguing going on? How are the children affected, and do they have the support of family to help them cope?

Because of the severe nature of this disorder, and the after effects of steady drinking and partying, she is not at the moment in control of herself, and therefore not in control of being able to manage her two children. They too, and even more so, will be in the direct line of fire after her (untreated?) illness, combined with the alcohol. This is a potentially dangerous place for them to be. How are they doing, and coping with all of this.

Does the alcohol consumption decrease after the PMDD subsides, and is there a notable change in her behaviour? During those times are there discussions as to what the consequences are of her behaviour, and does she ever seem willing to get help, or therapy?

This cannot be blamed solely on stress. We are ALL under stress, and I can't say that I've ever stayed out, or away for a few days binge drinking with people and blamed it on stress. That is a clear denial that she accepts she has a problem that needs to be addressed- seriously. I suspect that it has gone on a long time, and probably prior to even meeting you, and perhaps is worse than its ever been.

It is very important that at the very least, she is able to talk and communicate honestly with you. No excuses, no blaming you, or stress, or moving away from home. Take away all the dressing, and see if she can even come close to addressing this huge gaping wound in your relationship because of her choices.

She needs help. Odd as it may sound, this has nothing to do with you. You are not expected to be able to diagnose, cope, change her or make demands that you know she will not keep. This merry go round has to stop somewhere, even if for the sake of these children, who will surely suffer in the long run.

Please go and speak to a counsellor, or a Doctor, or therapist of some kind, who is skilled in understanding being the partner of an alcoholic, and the parter of a person with an illness that is not under control. As hard as it may be, the only control you have right now, is over your own safety, and the safety and security of the two children.

Protect yourself, and protect what you can, i.e. bank accounts. If you are a student, funds are limited, and boozing costs money. There are likely other factors in her behaviour that you also have concerns about. Try not to take anything for granted, and don't accept any false promises.

I think you realize that it is time to decide to come up with a plan, and only through understanding what you are facing, what it means, and what to do about it, will you come to any sort of peace and control in your life.

Whatever she has, tell her to get help, or you're gone.

If she isn't willing to make positive changes for herself, what are you going to do for her?

I agree.

This is nothing new for you. You stay with her in this. Knowing. All of it.

"She is 30. She had her first child at 19 and first marriage too. Then at 25 she had her second child and second marriage. She keeps on partying like she is 19."

You may be just one of those guys. The last one, until...

Be more concerned with your well being.

She isn't going to be yours to fix, honestly.
Don't waste your time.

PMDD, more like, GTFO.

I'll bet this isn't the type of woman you want.

She drove up last night in order to take a test for a job up here.

She gave me back the ring, and told me that she just needs some "selfish" time to figure herself out. She said that she shouldn't have gone from her ex-husband to me. She said that she feels so lost. She read the PMDD book and agrees that she needs to set an appointment with her OB/GYN. She said that she still wants to talk on the phone and doesn't want to lose me.

My position is that if she takes the job here and gets treatment, then I feel that I would stick it out. If she stays 5 hours away then I have no choice but to move on. At least she wants to get treatment.

I hope she does get treatment and if you stay with her, you might want to get some counseling on dealing with an alcoholic or this is going to drive you nuts.

She just left after taking the test. She gave me some really good hugs and told me to check out the movie eat pray love. She said that the movie would explain where she is in life right now.

She also said that she might come back next weekend with her young daughter. She confirmed that she has appointments with her OB/GYN and Councilor.

I am going to just let her have her space and not contact her and see where this goes. I think no contact from me is the best course of action.

Good plan.
Don't let her drag you down in the meantime.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Seminole66

She just left after taking the test. She gave me some really good hugs and told me to check out the movie eat pray love. She said that the movie would explain where she is in life right now.

She also said that she might come back next weekend with her young daughter. She confirmed that she has appointments with her OB/GYN and Councilor.

i am going to just let her have her space and not contact her and see where this goes. i think no contact from me is the best course of action.

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I think that is wise

Dude, this stinks. I wonder what happened to you? I got dumped in email while deployed to AFghanistan. We spent a wonderful year together planning our future, lining up deployment dates (she is in Kosovo, I am here in AFG) and overnight she goes from talking about engagement rings to breaking up. It makes no sense.

I feel for you but I will likely never get the hug, just a stiff arm. I don't know where to begin as she won't even admit she has PMDD although she has ALL the symptoms. Miffed.