My husband and I are married for 8 months now. I admit that I promised him to take care and love his kids (2 girls) before we even got married. His kids are really cute and even call me "Princess" (they said I look like a princess which is flattering but at the same time makes me uncomfortable in front of other people). Though cute, his kids are really handful.. winny.. and lack manners. They don't know how to say "please, thank you, welcome or excuse me" They fight a lot. Scream all the time. Cry all the time (even if they just see an "ant" they will cry). And the worst part is, his 5 year-old kid still poop in the diaper so I always have to clean her after she poop! Every time they are with us, I am so tired! And it makes me grumpy sometime (not talking or smiling). That makes my husband mad. He said he knows his kids are handful and whinny but he said I already know about all of these before marriage so why am I complaining?

There are also times when he let his kids look at their pictures at his computer with their mother! Why does he still have his ex-wife's pictures?? He doesn't even bother to ask me about my feelings towards it. My husband is also very strick about budgetting. He doesn't want me to but anything that is not on sale and especially if we don't need it. But when it comes to his kids, he can afford travelling to fun places just to entertain them. He also made it clear that he loves his kids more than anything in the world. How about me?? Im his wife, I am not just a girlfriend.

There was one time when he was talking with his ex-wife and he had a slip-of-the-tounge. He called her "honey" not just once but twice! And he didn't even bother to say sorry about that. He always tell me he loves me, but I can't feel that. I dremt of a happy marriage, my own baby, and a loving husband. But every time I see his kids, I feel like I am only an extra.. an outcast. I want to have my own baby, but every time I see his kids... it makes me think that my husband can't give him everything he needs... or worst, my baby will just receive what is left from his sisters.

Help me please... I need an advise about this. I really am feeling that I am already recenting his kids. And I don't like the feeling

Sorry for the spelling.. it's "RESENT"

I get the impression that if the children were better disciplined, and not so much work as a result of that, you would enjoy them more. Sometimes, when children need discipline and direction most, a divorced set of parents will have them each trying to please their children more, and over-compensate for the children being raised in separate homes.

Discipline, order, expectations, consequences are so important at this stage of the game for you, with these children. When they are badly behaved, and left to run rampant, screaming and yelling, and when you have to wipe the rear of a five year old because they are not toilet trained, there are serious problems going on that need to be addressed.

The parents of these children seem ill equipped to manage and parent their children appropriately. I see no reason for you to expect that having a baby with this man, will change his lack of parenting skills.

Love is not lavishing children with endless material things, satisfying their every want, and failing to discipline them and raise them to be responsible people. That your husband and your ex seem to each follow the same path with these children, I really do feel sorry for these kids.

You are smart to assess your future, or what you thought your future would be, after you married this man. Being married and making a commitment to his children was an honest, truthful goal that you had. Having those honourable goals, does not mean that you can achieve them.

It is not your responsibility to raise his children. You are their step-mother. I'm sure you are willing to accommodate visitation, and you seem like the kind of person who would love these children as if they were your own. But, the parenting has to be between the parents, and the two of them have to be on the same page.

It should be your husband, not you, who wipes the bum of his untrained five year old. It should be your husband and his ex who decide on appropriate discipline, and include you in any plan to address problems, so there is consistency. But, it is not your job to take charge, put rules or expectations upon these children, or argue or try to reason with your husband when things go wrong. They are his children, not yours.

If you have a reasonable relationship with his ex wife, sit down with her over a few gallons of coffee, and try to work something out with her. Try to simply let her know that you are concerned about the kids, and are unsure how they are disciplined in her home, and what can you do to help out, when they are in your home.

IF your husband is willing for the three of you to open up the lines of communication with the common goal of doing what is best for these kids, then consider suggesting counselling, or take a parenting class, or research and find different techniques and strategy that may help. If she, and you, and your husband are comfortable enough to address raising these children as a team, everybody benefits.

As to seeing this as your husband putting you in second place, that is the truth, as far as his children go. They are his responsibility and their needs have to come first. It is not so much that you are not worthy, or unloved or appreciated by him, but more that at this time in their lives, he has to do more, spend more time, money, and effort with them. Soon enough, they will outgrow the continuous need for constant care.

I so appreciate you saying you feel resentful toward these children. Being honest about this, is a sure sign that you can learn why you feel this way, and what to do to change that perception. Part of this I think has to do with the feelings of guilt/remorse that drives him to throw parenting out the window, and pile heaps of money and 'affection' on his kids. Part of this might be he is complying with what his wife expects of him. Part of this might also be that he is feeling like a monkey in the middle between you and his wife, and the more he soothes his children, the easier it is on him.

Much work needs to be done to focus on how to change, for all concerned. You, the children, him, and his ex. Without serious discussion, and a plan on how to accomplish change for the sake of all concerned, nothing will change.

I hope that you aren't left in the position of being at the mercy of out of control children, and poor parenting that will only make your life more miserable.

But, it is up to them to change directions, and decide how best to raise these children, starting with consistent care. Everybody has to subsequently follow the same rules, and apply the same consequences, and back each other up so that the children are not running your husbands life, their mother's life, and you and your marriage.

Not addressing it pretty much guarantees more of the same.

On one hand it seems that you are too accommodating and too eager to please, and you haven't said whether you are trying to get pregnant or not. Being pregnant means you can say excuse me, but you my dear husband are going to have to do the parenting because I am tired. On the other hand you don't like the children seeing their mother on the computer, their mother! You did marry a man with small children, and their mother is part of the package. It seems that you were naïve about what you were expecting. You could always get out of the marriage now, before you start having babies yourself.

And there is no reason why you can't expect the girls to be polite and disciplined. If they don't like it, they won't want to spend as much time with you. That's not the intent of course, the intent is to parent them the way you would parent your children. If your husband doesn't like discipline, he can do the parenting.

Time to show some guts, about all of this, including how money is spent. Or get out of the marriage.

Hi, I don't want to tell you to run for the hills, but you may need to if he won't or can't consider your feelings and requests. If you are this unhappy and have not mentioned your feelings to your spouse I suggest you do that. It may be a good idea to jot down a few things as you explore your feelings and the resolution or compromise to the things that I understood to be unfair in your favor. To call the ex "honey" is maddening all by itself! This is NOT okay. It may simply be out of habit, but he definitely should have apologized as YOU are his wife now and your emotional well being and confidence (feeling of security in the marriage) I would argue should be his number one priority over her feelings. You have a lot of feelings to sift through.
My advice is to be honest with yourself and have a serious heart to heart with hubby. If he cannot or will not consider your feelings... you may as well head for the hills... things likely wouldn't change if you stayed.

I understand why you are upset, but maybe I can help with that. How long has your husband been divorced? If he is still slipping with 'honey' it sounds as if he is recently divorced or has been in ongoing contact with her for some time. Not comfortable for you, AT ALL, but raising cain over it. Can only make it worse. I know because I was in your shoes. Married a guy too freshly out of his marriage and had to learn to accept that baggage until it wore off. Fighting over it makes it WORSE. The photos with her in them.. I had to accept that, too. On these things I believe you will have to back off to preserve harmony. Leave the room, shout into a pillow or what ever it takes to get past those moments.

Now his kids. This won't be so easy to handle. I guess it's best to think about what they've been through. Divorce isn't easy on kids. Accepting you as a new step mom may seem impossible to them. Maybe they are trying to drive you nuts so Daddy will go back to Mommy. Could be. I suggest speaking with your husband about this. Tell him you are doing your best.. yada yada yada but you need his help. You definitely need his help. His kids need to see you as a strong couple they can count on. Who knows what life is like with their mom. Might be hell.

As far as your husband spending freely on these children. I can understand that. Your husband is trying to buy their happiness, their forgiveness, their love. Those things can't be bought. Maybe you can gently point that out. Not angrily. Sounds as if you maybe in competition with these children for how much your husband spends on who. Give it up. You will only end up looking small.

Creating a happy home for a blended family is NOT easy. I don't think it ever it is! So just be your most adult self and bring your husband, these rowdy children's father, into the child rearing function of parents. If he is weak at that, he won't be any better helping your raise the child you both create. I say.. 'Suck it up' Be strong
Be strong Your road is not easy, but if you love your man it's worth the effort.

I hoped all this helps. I've walked a few of these miles in your shoes. Kindly, Nancy