Anyone gone through a difficult time with their daughter who once was close to her mother? There have been strained family relations and financial problems for some of the time. Now that home is more secure, daughter is throwing things from the closet at family and shares with friends and they have become her family. Mother has refused to let her back home due to daughter verbal and physical abuse and disrespect. Will be officially an adult in a month but has not graduated from high school yet. Any advice on how to love a child who does not respect and wish to have a relationship without controlling the situation? Tired and feeling so overwhelmed. I don't want a relationship until she is emotionally healthy. I have tried to explain how I feel and listen to what she has to say even though it is extremely hurtful.

Maybe all of the adults in her life can stop treating her like a 2 year old throwing a fit. She is going to 18 in a month you say?

I have known teens who were treated like children ALL their lives. The second they turned 18, they left the home, and NEVER spoke to their parents or family again.

Quit calling her a defiant disrespectful child/teen, and try showing her some respect, and see how that works. You can't expect an adult to be respectful to you if you are not going to respect them in return.

Good luck.

BTW, I'm also more than sure she has picked up on your non verbal communications of the fact that you Don't want a relationship with her. That is NOT helping at all.

Jenny, thanks for that advice. I understand that respect goes both ways. However, being defiant and disrespectful is not acceptable behavior, and I am addressing it as such because that is what it is in my eyes. I can't respect negative behavior. If a teen wants to be an adult, they should act like one. Outside of that I understand this very well because I had a mother who treated me as a child most of my life, and I left the situation just as you said. Luckily, my other two children have a good relationship with me. I am hoping that things will change between us because I may be the one to continue to create boundaries for my own emotional well being. I will however, continue to be open-minded and take all things into consideration. I appreciate your input.

Jennie, in regards to your other statement I have never said I don't want a relationship but that I can no longer deal with the negative behavior. I have made that quite clear.

I am sorry I misunderstood your intent of a relationship with her.
And I'm sorry if I sounded offensive. I grew up in a very abusive and controlling home, and it wasn't until I was 26 to have the nerve to stay away and keep my 'family' out of my life. It can be very hard to have parents treat you like a child when you are on the first steps of adult hood. And I assumed (wrongly so) that that's what was happening.

At this point I would say the best you can do is wait it out, let her turn 18, let her make her own decisions (and mistakes) and let her learn from her own struggles and problems. Eventually, once she has matured, she will see things differently.