My husband and I were high school sweethearts who married at 17 because I became pregnant. We are coming up on our 20th anniversary next month. We have 7 boys from ages 19 to 18 months. We have had a very stressful year that has put a lot of stress on our marriage, more so than ever before. I worked early in our marriage because I went to college for 2 years and worked in the medical field. My husband didn't go to college but was able to get a job with our local natural gas co. and quickly learned skills that has earned him more money then I could ever make at my jobs. I later became at stay-at-home mom and still stay at home now. Lately he has been working out of town from Mon-Fri and I am home with the kids all week by myself. They work him 12-14 hour days Mon-Fri, so he is really tired and moody when he comes home on the weekends. Lately he has become very distant from me, cold even. When I try to talk about our problems to resolve them he accuses me of "putting him down" and lately he has been pretty much having the attitude "if you don't like how I am or what I do then leave-I don't care". He has become very verbally abusive to me. I cut my hand badly when a glass broke doing dishes last week and cannot use my right hand. The kids didn't help me this week with dishes, laundry or anything else and so when he came home this Fri. he ended telling me that "this place was a dump" and that we (me and the kids) are "nothing but white trash". He got home early this morning and I said something about me being tired and he got pissed saying "your tired? I work 12-14 hours everyday busting my a-- and your tired?" Then he says if I will let him lay down for a while when he gets up he will let me. But when I tried to lay down later he came in the room fussing at me asking when I was going to get up and how all I do is "lay around unconscious all the time". (which isn't true and I don't understand why he says that) He says really mean things to me like -I am on disability to due some severe migraines I get and possibly some past depression but nothing crazy and last week we were arguing and I told him he was mean and had become crazy lately and he said "crazy? YOU are the one who is crazy! Your on disability right? That means you are the one who is crazy!" That really crushed me! I stay at home and have no car so I am stuck here by myself with the kids all the time with no one to talk to. It has really been causing me depression and self esteem problems and so I really need my husband more than ever lately. When we are arguing he says for me to just leave that he would be so happy if I would just go but I have nowhere to go and no money. He always threatens when I say he is verbally abusive and I will leave with the kids that I won't be getting any money from him. Or he'll say he is going to leave and take his pay check with him. He goes to work and I am here by myself and last week when I cut my hand I was really upset and felt very alone and text him about it; I guess hoping he did love me somewhere beneath all of our arguments lately but he was just cold and responded with the least words possible devoid of any caring. I am so lonely and feel so insecure and have such low self esteem from my isolation and no having no money or control that it was killing me that he thought we were divorcing and he didn't care at all. He wasn't crying, having trouble sleeping etc. I just couldn't believe it-he has never been like this before in all our marriage. I needed love so bad I reached out to him and he was somewhat reluctant but after I made myself extremely vulnerable, basically almost begging him to love me, he said we can try again. I truly thought things would get better. All week while he was at work we text each other, mostly me texting him though. I figured he was busy working all day and was tired etc. But now that I look back I was texting him things like, "love you and miss you" etc. and most of his texts were vague and just "weather" talk-not anything really from the heart. He came home today and of course it didn't go too well as I described above. Tonight he got into a fight with our 16 yo son and pushed him and said mean, horrible things to him which caused my son to hit a mirror and break it and leave the house. When I got up to see what was going on I got really mad. Our son does have a lot of problems and does a lot of wrong things but physical and verbal abuse is not the way to deal with it and yet that is all my husband does so I take up for my son in that respect. I did again tonight when that happen and so my husband lashed out at me, calling me terrible names and saying things about my mothering that pretty much make me feel like I am a horrible mother and how I am nothing but trash and he is "trying to get his life together" and basically me and the children are holding him back-except the babies who he loves. I told him to get out and he said "if I do I am taking my paycheck with me". I couldn't believe how mean, nasty and cold he is and there I am crying and screaming in agony from all this and he just says more nasty remarks and then goes to watch a movie and ignore me. I couldn't believe it-how could he watch a movie when my whole insides where crushed from the lack of love and compassion from the only person I have? I had already pretty much begged for his love even though he was in the wrong and I have never been that type of person before. I used to have great self esteem and would have never taken this crap from him. I was so sick at his lack of care for me and his family and I went and started hitting him on the chest in agony and he just stood there with a smile on his face(he is 6'4 and I am 5'2) saying calmly "this is abuse" "this is abuse"-basically letting me know that he can use it against me in a divorce or child custody matter. I went to the bedroom and he just sat in the living room watching a movie with no care. I wanted to die. Why did I want his love so much when he was so horrible, evil, cold and indifferent to me and my feelings? How do I leave when I have no money, no car, no nothing really. I don't want to take my kids to any shelter. I don't want to stay in this because I am dying here. I need to get myself esteem back and get out and be part of the world again and have things that are mine. I really love him, though, or the man he used to be before the last couple of months. It is ripping my heart out that he doesn't love me but it is wrong of me to keep begging for his love because he already is using his power over me in twisted ways and I can't continue to let him believe he can treat me so bad and I will beg for his love anyway. I need to know how to get out of here immediately and find myself and my identity and self-esteem again immediately so I don't feel like I need his love to live. Please help!

Have you thought about getting a job outside the home. It would give you a chance to get out and make friends beside earning you some cash. Even if its only couple times a week.
Its also time to sit down with your children at least the ones old enough need to pitch in around the house.

I would also check into marriage counseling. You both are seem to be depressed which may be the cause to both of you being so tired all the time. If you cannot afford a professional try clergy.

When you both are so caught up in your individual misery that you cannot see the each others hurt nor have the care to even take the time to really hear what the other has to say because of your own pain.

If we could all remember to treat the one we love as well as we treat our friends sometime I feel the word divorce would not be used as often as it is now.

Take care

You decided to have seven children, as did your husband, and the two of you need to learn how to resolve your differences so that your children don't suffer the consequences of two adults who can't figure out how to get along.

Is your life, and the lives of your children, going to be better or worse if you divorce your husband.

Does he want a divorce? Do you? Is there any hope that the two of you can step up together and get into emergency marriage counselling and figure out at least how to begin to express your needs, for the sake of your children? Are you willing to resolve differences, or have you simply given up.

With seven children's lives, futures and health at stake here, I think you need to put your needs in balance with what you need to do to ensure the safety and security of your children.

If that means finding a way through women's shelters, half way houses, welfare support and food banks, then do it. If that isn't palatable to you, then get into counselling and learn how to manage your life and parent your children. If your husband is not on board, then let him go, get to a lawyer and arrange child support.

With seven children to consider, I hope you figure some sort of plan, and soon.

You do need counseling. You don't even know that staring at a movie on TV is a typical male response to stress and doesn't mean he isn't crying inside. You say he doesn't see your anguish and tears, yet you are telling him very angry things like GET OUT. He needs counseling too. He has no clue how to deal with emotion. You both need it, equally. You both need the skills it takes to get through this 20 year plateau. It's very common (although not common to still be having children after all these years).
Counseling isn't about taking sides, it's a teaching tool.

Your 19 year old and any others in their late teens need to start doing real chores, and to start talking about how they are going to get away from home. Too many parents these days seem to forgot that teens have no idea how this is done, how much it costs, and how to prepare for adult responsibily and finances.


It's tempting to say that maybe the fact that your husband is working away from home all week, with a bunch of guys who all get along, have their dinner and beer and shower and go to bed, no problems, no one complaining, means that he is seeing another life out there, one that is uncomplicated. So stand forewarned. You DO need to let him rest when he first walks in the door, and save all the family disputes and house/budget matters for a set time over the next day or two. Warn the kids to ease off too. I'm not for a minute saying that your job isn't hard and 24/7, just that your job requires his involvement, and his doesn't require yours.

Just to clarify: My eldest son, the 19 year old, is away at college and is a very good kid. He makes straights A's and works a job he has had for years and has never even called in. So, he is not available to help and he is out of the house.

You are alone all week with no car? You really need a car, to begin a life of your own, with or without him.
His threats about taking his paycheck with him in a divorce are meaningless. The court decides how much he gets to keep. Feel free to talk to a lawyer. His money will pay for the legal fees, when you are the parent rearing the children and he is the breadwinner.
But you haven't said anything about marriage counseling. I realize that if he is gone all week, that is going to be difficult. But possible, one hour out of his days off.
It isn't clear what you are hoping to hear here.
Telling us anecdotes doesn't really help. We aren't here to decide for you. We can help with logistics of either saving the marriage or ending it. After you get a car, you can start with a counselor of your own or a divorce lawyer (you can start now, it's just harder). If you file for divorce, he can stay or leave, you don't have to leave just because his name is on the deed and mortgage. He does have to continue to support you and the children.
Some men are worried about their job security and won't tell their spouses. Here you are, both 37 with another child who will need care for the next 17 years. If he hears rumblings around work about layoffs or younger workers replacing guys like him for less pay, he may be in extreme fear of your future. It sounds like communication has pretty much ended between you two about such delicate matters. They are much more important than attraction and sex after 20 years.
Do I think the marriage is worth saving? Yes, because of the still young kids and because there is no physical abuse, drugs, alcohol, or anything else really horrible. The mean words about being crazy? Let them go. They are heat of the moment. Find a moment when you can find out what is going on with HIM.

You need a vacation, what are the age ranges of all your kids? Give them there marching orders, and take your infant to visit your family.

Do you have siblings? Close friends? You sound isolated and that can't be good. You need balance, as bad times can be dealt with better, when you have a few good times. Don't leave, just makes some good time for yourself.

Retail relief comes to mind. That's how the females in my family put up with the males. They don't ask permission either, they empower themselves, and make time for themselves. Heck tell those older kids what to do, and stop looking for love and approval, and love and approve of yourself more.

You and hubby have been through a lot, and are in another rough patch, and you will get through this one as well. Less worry about what he does, and more doing for you. Make the rest of the tribe support you, and raise hell if they don't. Its your house so control it.

When will hubby's schedule bring him home more??

Your kids are 19 to 18 months? With six at home, I would imagine your day is full.
Look into getting some counseling, if he does not want to, at least for yourself.