I have been married for over 24 years, and for the first 15 years everything was perfect.

My wife and I were a perfect match in almost everything we did and believed. I helped raise her son from a previous marriage and she helped raise my 2 kids whom I got custody for after a 4 year court battle.

We were especially well matched in the bedroom, both of us having very strong sex drives.

After 7 years of marriage, we had a surprise baby who still lives with us and is 17. It only helped to solidify our marriage and has kept us young.

Now I find myself thinking daily about leaving. I know life, love and marriage is about much more than just sex, yes once again a man with a sex complaint but wait, this one is different!

About 8-10 years ago my wife basically took her body away from me. She will no longer allow me to enjoy her body beyond basic intercourse. She still does everything a man could want but doesn't understand that the need to have her unconditionally is a major part of being satisfied as a man.

She refuses to talk about it, told me she wouldn't leave me if I had an affair, and warned me to wear protection! I have never cheated on her and can't believe she is serious. I have tried for years to get her to talk about it and understand that she is not living up to the promise that we made each other 24 years ago that we would always totally satisfy each other and never need to look elsewhere.

I am lost and with each passing day, week, year, I become more interested in looking elsewhere. I don't know what to do..

She still has intercourse with you, but took her body away 8 to 10 years ago? Please explain, as best you possibly can.

Did anything happen 8 to 10 years ago you can think of that would have made her feel differently about herself sexually? Has she been through menopause?

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Originally Posted by jimiblue

IAbout 8-10 years ago my wife basically took her body away from me. She will no longer allow me to enjoy her body beyond basic intercourse. She still does everything a man could want but doesn't understand that the need to have her unconditionally is a major part of being satisfied as a man.

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How old is your wife? Am I correct in thinking that she is between forty and fifty years of age if not older?

When was the last time she had a check up? Could she be experiencing perimenopause (the body getting ready for menopause) or in full menopause (or already gone through it)? Both periods of a woman's life cause major shifts in her hormone level which in turn can affect her libido and outlook on sex.

What do you mean by 'unconditionally'? You say she does anything a man could want, what more do you want? What are you looking for?

It almost sounds like you expect her to be available for sex when you want it even if she doesn't. Do you really expect her to satisfy all of your sexual needs or do you masturbate? This may sound harsh but if you expect your wife to be the only way you get sexual release, she may not feel like a lover but an object. It might not even be something she is aware of feeling. Many women don't like admitting when they feel like they are being used instead of being a partner with a full say it what, where and when.

Do you try to engage her mind by trying to find out what turns her on? What her needs are? If she tries to tell you, does it get turned around to what you need and expect?

Does she love you? How is the rest of your marriage? Do you do things together as a couple? Do you have fun? Do you relax together cuddling and talking or listening to music or watching a movie?

Does she need reminding that she is treasured more for being herself than the roles she plays-mother, wife, lover, etc.

Stay. She obviously loves you, ther's more to a loving, happy marriage than sex (and you are still that anyway, just not to the extent you want it). Ask yourself, would you want to live out the rest of your life witout her companionship?

Cat1864 you are being a little harsh and assuming a lot. I don't expect her to do anything but be an equal partner in every phase of our relationship. Sex is not something I demand on a nightly basis or force her to have when she doesn't want to. I love my wife and would never treat her that way. She is long past menopause and on hormone replacement therapy. She had problems with her own self image which I discussed with her multiple times. She feels fat and says when I touch her I am feeling her fat to which I have replied that I feel how soft her skin is, her warmth and the same feeling I have always had when touching her. I have always told my wife she was the prettiest woman in the room. I tell her how much I love her, and her body. I am not complaining about the frequency of sex or expecting her to perform some bizarre sex act. I just want to be allowed to touch more than a pre-designated 3" area. I would also like to be able to kiss more than her lips. The rest of my marriage is great, and yes we do a lot of things together. Cat1864 if you are an "expert" you know that men's needs also change as they age. It becomes much more important to engage all of the senses be to satisfied. Removing or reducing contact that you have shared, and freely and eagerly asked for for over 15 years is very damaging and confusing.

jimiblue, thank you for your response and the added information. Your comment about 'unconditional' seems less self-serving with more background.

However, it does sound like there is a lot of emphasis on the physical aspect of sex. I don't mean just by you but her too. If all she sees and feels is 'fat', then she isn't allowing her brain to get involved. There can be many reasons for it happening. For example she may have gained weight, she may feel like less of a woman due to being past childbearing, or even an off-hand remark by someone that earlier in her life she would have laughed off. You can tell her how pretty/beautiful/etc. you think she is but if a part of her isn't responding to it then you might need to change your approach.

Can you as a couple talk about sex? Do you share fantasies, likes and dislikes, and such when you aren't expecting to have intercourse?

Will she allow you to touch her body when she is clothed? Do you try? Will she allow you to give her a massage? Does she explore your body even if she won't allow you to touch hers?

Would she be willing to go to counseling to work through the issues? Would you?

When was the last time your wife talked to her doctor about her hormone replacement therapy? If she is trying to eat healthily, exercise, and get enough sleep and she is still unable to maintain a reasonable weight, her medication(s) may need to be tweaked. If she is at a reasonable weight, her doctor may be able suggest measures that might help her feel better about her body.

Good luck.

Thank you Cat1864, that was a lot less threatening and didn't feel nearly as much like male bashing as your initial response. It is hard to voice an accurate opinion when so little is known about someone else or someone else's situation. You ask a lot of questions and the answer to most is yes and to a couple of others , still working on it. She has put on 25-30 lbs. since we got married and was unable to lose some of the weight she gained after getting pregnant at 42. I don't seem to be able to get her to believe that I didn't marry her because of what she weighed. She does know I am not attracted to heavy women and I'm sure that bothers her without me saying anything directed at her. She is only 5' tall so the weight is very obvious and it bothers her a lot. I try to cook healthier meals and buy healthier snacks but she turns that into me making a negative comment? I just can't believe that she would take her body away from me over her gaining weight? I know I'm probably not the perfect husband, especially after getting hurt and disabled. I do all of the cooking, wash and change sheets and towels. Do all the dishes, go grocery shopping with her, and just finished building our second new home in 8 years. We live in paradise near Charleston SC. And we have everything we need. But those are all material things and they don't replace making love to my wife's body and mind. I know this sounds a lot like that Men are from Mars thing! I just really miss the taste of her love. It's very hard, especially being disabled.

Jimi, you just added another piece to the puzzle. I think if you can get her to go to counseling with you and maybe by herself, you might be able to work through the issues. I think you are both probably experiencing your own forms of insecurity and a neutral third party should be able to show you ways to work through them as a couple.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for both of you.

It can't be easy making adjustments, and a lot of things have changed for you both, but to consider leaving? Naw, deal with your frustration by understanding your partner is frustrated too. To be honest your physical needs kind of pale in light of her emotional, and mental ones. I know sounds harsh, but what would you expect from a fellow that misses his wife's body, when she is obviously in need of a deeper love and understanding?

Please don't miss that through your own frustration. I suspect though that you already know that, and don't intend to leave, but don't know how to adjust either. As Cat has said, guidance through the process of making adjustments for you both would help, if she is willing. If not, seek your own guidance so you know how to help and deal with her, and your own frustration.

I wish you much luck in getting closer to her mind.

Thanks all!

You're welcome. I hope everything works out. :)

We are here if you need or want more advice. All you have to do is add to this thread if it is about your marriage. We also have other subjects available if you need advice in other areas or if you would like to share your own knowledge. Sometimes helping others can give you new ideas on how to help yourself.