I need answers please!

My fiancé and I have been together for 6 years and we have two beautiful children.
We have had our share of ups and downs and the relationship hasn't always been a bed of roses but I love him with every ounce of my being and I just need closure. He has been in constant contact with a female friend who he claims is happily married and that he and her never did anything more then fool around back in the day. However he has not ever introduced me to her and refuses to this day to do so. I found out that he has been talking to her a lot lately and that he has a pic of her and not only her cell number but also her work number. When I tell him how uncomfortable it makes me that he has a female friend that not only has he never introduce me to but also went out to a bar to meet and have drinks until late in the night he claims with her husband and a guy friend of his he just gets mad at me and says that I'm being ridiculous and makes me feel like I'm a bad person for "accusing him" and that he didn't want to introduce me because he didn't want me to be jealous because she is pretty. I'm starting to question if I'm just being irrational and I don't want him to hate me. It has become so bad that he has convinced me that I need to seek mental help for my irrational thoughts.

Please Help!

I don't think you are being irrational.
I'm sure her husband would feel the same way if he new his wife was talking to this man in a regular basis. I can't imagine having a friend I would not introduce to my spouse, especially one who has been in my life for so long and is still communicating with. You don't have to hang out but at least be introduced to.
Does her husband know about him?

Maybe you should tell him you are already jealous, curious, and getting pissed off, that he doesn't trust you enough to meet someone that's a friend.

If the fool wants a happy home, he better make sure you get what you want. The longer he waits, the more miserable he will be.

At least that's what my wife told me to tell you. He is lucky to still have a phone.

I would say a locked bedroom door and his pillow on the couch till he stops seeing and talking with her.

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Originally Posted by cherangel

I need answers please!

My fiancé and I have been together for 6 years and we have two beautiful children.
We have had our share of ups and downs and the relationship hasn't always been a bed of roses but I love him with every ounce of my being and I just need closure. He has been in constant contact with a female friend who he claims is happily married and that he and her never did anything more then fool around back in the day. However he has not ever introduced me to her and refuses to this day to do so. I found out that he has been talking to her a lot lately and that he has a pic of her and not only her cell number but also her work number. When I tell him how uncomfortable it makes me that he has a female friend that not only has he never introduce me to but also went out to a bar to meet and have drinks until late in the night he claims with her husband and a guy friend of his he just gets mad at me and says that I'm being ridiculous and makes me feel like I'm a bad person for "accusing him" and that he didn't want to introduce me because he didn't want me to be jealous because she is pretty. I'm starting to question if I'm just being irrational and I don't want him to hate me. It has become so bad that he has convinced me that I need to seek mental help for my irrational thoughts.

Please Help!

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It is funny how he is turning everything on you. It is very suspicious activity. He is going out to hang in the bar with her and her husband yet refused to let you meet her? Strange. Some of the answers before me had some great ideas on how to deal with this situation of yours.

Now do not get me wrong. It is normal to have female friends. It is normal to talk to female friends. The thing is, it seems like he his trying to hide it for some reason.

Now in the past 6 years have there been any kind of reason to hide things like this? Has there been any kind of jealousy issues in the past. Any type of questionable behavior?

If he is demanding you to go to counsel. Drag his sorry butt into counseling with you. Since you guys have been a couple so long. Since you have children together. If there needs to be counseling. It should be couple counseling together. If he is not willing to do couple counseling. That means he has problems and you need to decide whether this behavior can continue or not.

You have her home phone number and her work number, right?

You call and ask her and her husband over for dinner Friday night. Better still, phone her husband and do the invitation through him.

Then you let the two of them sweat through the salad, main course, and dessert, and then you offer a toast to you your husband. Tell everybody that you just want to thank him again for the lovely surprise gift he gave you, which was a nice fat diamond ring that you've just slipped on your finger out of view, and let everybody ohhh and ahhh over it. Or have a heart attack, or pee their pants, or run out the door into the nearest lamp post or get run over by a passing transport.

That is called getting to the truth creatively, or, nipping this 'relationship' in the butt. You will know from their reactions whether something is going on or not. And so will her husband.

If a dinner date doesn't work out, I would not hesitate to call her number the next time your husband is late, both her cell and her work (leave a message sweetly asking if she could have your husband call home), or phone her husband and ask him if your husband is there.

Many ways to flush out the truth here. Silence and guessing isn't one of them.

Her and her husband's understanding of this relationship may be very different than your fiancé's. She may be happily married and an innocent party in this. He could have been meeting up with her and her husband plus another friend.

He may not be sharing the truth about his home life or you. In other words, he may be making excuses to them about why you haven't met them. As far as they know, according to him, you may not want to meet them or may be dealing with family issues (sick children, elderly parents, house breaking a new puppy, etc.)

In a effort to be somewhat fair to him, have you ever acted negatively when around someone you consider 'prettier' than yourself or when he appears to be looking at other women? I think it is a smoke screen for his own behavior that he accuses you of being jealous, but I do try give some leeway to the other party.

If you are in the USA (I don't know about other countries), if you are still planning on marrying him that you might look into Marriage Classes as well as counseling. In many states, you can get a reduction on the Marriage License for completing a Marriage Class.

I think counseling sounds like a good idea for you, but not for his reasons. I think you need a neutral party to sit down and talk to about all of this. Friends or family would be too tempted to input their own biases into their advice. You need someone who can help you figure out if the relationship is still worth the work you are having to put into it and will allow you to make your own decisions. Someone who can hand you the box of tissues if you need it. We can listen to you and give advice, but there still isn't a way to pass the tissue box through the computer. Even if you go to counseling, we are still here and willing to listen and help where we can.

Confrontation through social means sounds like a fun way to force things out in the open, but you would have to be careful about the children not being present. Plus, you would have to deal with the fallout that could end up affecting the children in a very negative way.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck and that things work out for the best.

Why are you not married after 6 years?
Is this your choice or his.
You might want to ask yourself how good this relationship really is. This so called friend of his may be one of many reasons to question your status

Well my answer to the question about why we aren't married after 6 years is that I had already gone through a messy divorce and I wanted to hold off a little while until I was sure. But at this point he is the delay in our getting married. The other matters that were brought up had to do with any jealousy issues in the past but the truth is I have never felt threatened by anyone in our relationship until now with his refusal to introduce me to his female friend. If anyone has jealousy issues it is him as he has admitted to me from the very beginning that he is a jealous person and won't share me with anyone else. He is always suspicious of me if a male friend or co-worker talks to me even though I don't hang out with them or call them. He told me that I should always tell him who I'm hanging out with and who I'm talking to out of respect for him. So needless to say I've pretty much given up all of my guy friends even the very gay ones to avoid discord. I also just found out that he has two other girl's phone numbers in his phone that he has never told me about. He claims they are old friends from high school but he never told me about them.

I think you need to ask yourself if this relationship has a future.
Six years and two kids should be enough time to commit. He may not ever want to.
He seems to have it pretty good. As I see it, it is your move and choice to make
He needs to commit to you and the kids or leave

He is controlling. Wanting to know your every single move.

He is paranoid and jealous of you all the time. That tells me that he is just trying pass of all the blame to you with the problems in this relationship.

When possibly he is the major problem. All the things that he is worried about you doing or might do. Guaranteed he has already done but has kept it from you.

Do you think it is worth continuing on in this relationship? Most people here I think would agree that it is not. Then again the choice to make changes is yours, and yours alone to make.

Best of luck.