Ask Me Help Desk - How do I tell him to give me space ?

My partner and I had unprotected sex and now I'm pregnant. After discussing what to do he made it very clear that keeping the baby is not what he wants and it would wreck his life, he isn't ready emotionally physically or mentally.. Although I do want the baby because the thought of an abortion hurts me as its my fault, we decided that I was going to have one.
However he wants to be there for me every step of the way in terms of appointments, and the actual abortion itself but the thing is I don't want him there. I am finding it hard to cope myself and I know he is too but I feel having him there with me would make the whole thing so much harder and I'd rather do it on my own. In a sense I think I'm angry with him because he doesn't want the baby but regardless I've made the decision not to keep it, I just don't want him breathing down my neck. I know I am going to be an emotional wreck when its all done and I don't want him to see my like that. Furthermore I know that I am not going to be the nicest of people during so how do I tell him to give me space?
I've spoken to him about not wanting him there and he is so adament that we can get through this together and that he wants to be there for me and he needs me too, which is fair enough but I just don't want him at there when I am taking that pill. Am I being selfiish? What do I do?

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Originally Posted by stella06

My partner and i had unprotected sex and now i'm pregnant. After discussing what to do he made it very clear that keeping the baby is not what he wants and it would wreck his life, he isnt ready emotionally physically or mentally..

Well what about ruining you emotionally, physically, or mentally? He has no rights, literally none over what you do with your body or your baby.

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Originally Posted by stella06

Although i do want the baby because the thought of an abortion hurts me as its my fault, we decided that i was going to have one.

NO! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

He was there so he gets just as much of the blame. It sounds like he decided for you. If your not comfortable with this situation then don’t put your health on the line. Even if you can’t take care of the baby you still offer it for adoption.

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Originally Posted by stella06

However he wants to be there for me every step of the way in terms of appointments, and the actual abortion itself but the thing is i dont want him there. I am finding it hard to cope myself and i know he is too but i feel having him there with me would make the whole thing so much harder and i'd rather do it on my own.

It sounds like he’s so controlling that he wants to make sure you go through with it.

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Originally Posted by stella06

In a sense i think im angry with him because he doesnt want the baby but regardless ive made the descision not to keep it, i just dont want him breathing down my neck.

I think your anger is justified. I think you don’t want this but feel trapped and can’t get out. The truth is I don’t think he cares about your health at all or he wouldn’t put you through this.

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Originally Posted by stella06

I know i am going to be an emotional wreck when its all done and i dont want him to see my like that. Furthermore i know that i am not going to be the nicest of people during so how do i tell him to give me space?

With all due respect I don’t think he’s earned the right to have you be nice to him right now. If you still are going to go through with it then flat out tell him that you feel he’s already disrespected you and let you down, so at the very least you will go through this on your own terms not his.

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Originally Posted by stella06

I've spoken to him about not wanting him there and he is so adament that we can get through this together and that he wants to be there for me and he needs me too, which is fair enough but i just dont want him at there when i am taking that pill. Am i being selfiish?? What do i do?

No you not being selfish. In fact I don’t think your being selfish enough. Having an abortion can be a medical and emotional issue that lasts for some time. The fact that he doesn’t care about that and is forcing you into this situation says all I need to know about him. But you’re the one that is going through this. So you get to call the shots. If he doesn’t like that then quite honestly get rid of him. Actually I think you could do better but that’s a whole different issue. You and your baby come first, he comes after that. To answer your question if your selfish, I say your not selfish at all but you have every right to be and you have every right to do what you want not involving his input.

First: If you do not want an abortion do not get one! You will regret that decision for the rest of your life.

Second: You both created the baby together and if he does not want to take responsibility for this, well it is a good time after the baby is born to go after him for child support. He does not want to face, so make him face it through the law.

Third: Do not make this decision based on what he wants, but base it on what you want.

Fourth: Since this situation has scarred you emotionally you have every right to keep your boyfriend away from you. He is cold and uncaring and because you know what he is like now, How can you really remain with him. I think you would be better off to leave this guy in your past for good, because having him around is just going to hurt you every time you see him.

Fifth: Good luck to you with whatever you decide just remember it is YOUR CHOICE, and no one else's. Do not let this punk of a boyfriend breath down your neck. Tell him you need a break and a break is usually something permanent if your ready for that.

Joe

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Originally Posted by chuff

Well what about ruining you emotionally, physically, or mentally? He has no rights, literally none over what you do with your body or your baby.

It sounds like he’s so controlling that he wants to make sure you go through with it.

I think your anger is justified. I think you don’t want this but feel trapped and can’t get out. The truth is I don’t think he cares about your health at all or he wouldn’t put you through this.

With all due respect I don’t think he’s earned the right to have you be nice to him right now. If you still are going to go through with it then flat out tell him that you feel he’s already disrespected you and let you down, so at the very least you will go through this on your own terms not his.

No you not being selfish. In fact I don’t think your being selfish enough. Having an abortion can be a medical and emotional issue that lasts for some time. The fact that he doesn’t care about that and is forcing you into this situation says all I need to know about him. But you’re the one that is going through this. So you get to call the shots. If he doesn’t like that then quite honestly get rid of him. Actually I think you could do better but that’s a whole different issue. You and your baby come first, he comes after that. To answer your question if your selfish, I say your not selfish at all but you have every right to be and you have every right to do what you want not involving his input.

I really do appreciate your response and have thought about a lot of the things you have said. In terms of him being controlling and making sure that I do it... I have confronted him about that and he reiterated that he just wants to go through this with me and that I don't need to be alone. I do sit and think sometimes that I am caring too much about how he thinks and feel rather than myself and that's because I don't want to shut him out if his really hurting... whether he is or not I sincerely don't know sometimes I feel he just wants to be there because he wants to make sure I go through with the abortion other times I think no he does care but regardless the fact still remains I don't want him with me... and if he is sincerely hurting over this how can I tell him to get lost? I just feel like a big bag of confusion right now. If he said he wanted this baby I would be happy and no I am not just doing it for him I just don't want to bring a child into this world with all this mess I had a hard childhood and I don't want that for my child which is why I agreed to go through with it. I've even thought of just not telling the date of the abortion and turning my phones off and just leaving him in the dark because I am scared that he forces his way into my space. I don't know what to do?

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Fourth: Since this situation has scarred you emotionally you have every right to keep your boyfriend away from you. He is cold and uncaring and because you know what he is like now, How can you really remain with him. I think you would be better off to leave this guy in your past for good, because having him around is just going to hurt you everytime you see him.

Fifth: Good luck to you with whatever you decide just remember it is YOUR CHOICE, and no one else's. Do not let this punk of a boyfriend breath down your neck. Tell him you need a break and a break is usually something permanant if your ready for that.

Joe

How do I know that he isn't hurting himself? His reasons for not wanting this baby were not solely to do with him, they were 2 do with my situation as well, only thing is I would go through with having this baby if he was willing. He seems to have this pros and cons issue going on and has outweighed the pros very clearly.I just don't want to treat him like a punk when I don't know for sure if he is one... does that make sense? All I can say is that the idea of hurting someone who is already hurting kills me. I just don't want him there.

What do you think you will be doing to the baby? Do you think the baby will be hurting when you abort him/her? How do you think your are going to feel when you do this? Will you be able to handle it? All this questions are important for yourself to figure out. Just a question for you. You yourself have said that your thinking more about him and what he thinks. You just admitted that if he was willing to have the baby then you would probably keep the baby, so what that is saying to me is that this is not really your decision your basing it on what he feels and thinks. I wish you the best of luck no matter what happens, but you need to think this through and come up with your own list, and not let the influence of this punk get to you. Yes, he is a punk. At the same time though you need to discover things on your own without any pressure from any of us or of him. Again I will repeat make this decision for you. This is your choice. He should be supportive no matter what.

Joe

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Originally Posted by stella06

I really do appreciate your response and have thought about alot of the things you have said. In terms of him being controlling and making sure that i do it... i have confronted him about that and he reiterated that he just wants to go through this with me and that i dont need 2 be alone.

Well I'm glad you at least confronted him. I'll tell you that I think he's lying to you though. He knows your not for this. He also knows that he's fighting the laws in any Western country that give you full and complete control over your body and your babies life. He wants to be there to make sure you don't change your mind because he doesn't want to get stuck with a bill for 18 years.

He also knows he's fighting a mother's natural maternal instinct that is part of every woman's biological makeup. You are already openly telling him your not comfortable with this decision so he's fighting that and then on top of that he knows it's not just a decision - it's biologically ingrained in you to protect your young. The truth is it should be ingrained in him but the fact that he can overlook that because it “would wreck his life because he's not emotionally, physically, or mentally” ready says more about his character than anything else you could ever say.

And speaking of that, how does this hurt him physically? He isn't the one who's going to have an operation. I work with a girl who had an abortion because the loser she was with told her to get one and give him half the bill. Well she got and now she can never have kids again. By the way they don't date anymore, as though that was a surprise to anybody but her. But in 5 years if she finds the guy of her dreams and he wants a little baby, because he's a man and will actually support her and the child she can't give him one. It's things like that that Planned Parenthood doesn't advertise but really happen.

Look if you came here and said you were raped and he wanted to go with you to comfort you even if you didn't want him there, I'd be telling you that you've got a great guy. Because he would truly be interested in your welfare. But the only welfare he's interested in is his own. Honestly if he doesn't care what happens to his own child how can he care about anyone else?

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Originally Posted by stella06

I do sit and think sometimes that i am caring too much about how he thinks and feel rather than myself

And I'm confirming your own feelings. You do care way too much about what he thinks.

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Originally Posted by stella06

and thats because i dont want to shut him out if his really hurting

He's hurting because he knows this could cost him a lot of money over two decades.

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Originally Posted by stella06

... whether he is or not i sincerely dont know sometimes i feel he just wants 2 be there because he wants to make sure i go through with the abortion

Look both Jesushelper and I agree that is exactly why he's there. I've just asked that this thread be moved to where it will be open to some other posters. I apologize if I'm speaking for anybody but I think your going to see some consistent comments about this situation and about your boyfriend. But you've already got two men, MEN mind you, that are telling you that he doesn't not have your best interests in mind. We aren't playing to “guy code” or “always side with the guy” because both Jesushelper and I, and I assume others too believe you are going to regret this decision, and the truth is your not going to like the fact that he won't be around after it happens.

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Originally Posted by stella06

other times i think no he does care but regardless the fact still remains i dont want him with me...

Well if you do go through with it then it's a medical procedure and you have every right not to allow him to be there.

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Originally Posted by stella06

and if he is sincerely hurting over this how can i tell him to get lost?

I think you have to say to him, “If your in pain then you need to find a way to deal with it by yourself or with the help of someone else. I deal with my pain better without other people around.” Something along those lines.

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Originally Posted by stella06

I just feel like a big bag of confusion right now.

And I think you boyfriend has help stir that bag.

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Originally Posted by stella06

If he said he wanted this baby i would be happy and no i am not just doing it for him i just dont want to bring a child into this world with all this mess i had a hard childhood

Stella, I also had a hard childhood. I'm 30 years old and don't get along with my father. I can honestly tell you I've never had an adult conversation with my dad. I hear that a lot. “I had a hard childhood.” Well I did too but that doesn't mean I have to suffer for the rest of my life. It doesn't mean because yesterday was horrible that today has to be. The past does not equal the future. If I believed everything my dad ever told me I'd probably be some homeless guy smoking crack. I don't know what happened to you but whatever it was it was the result of a lot of pain and stupidity in that person's life. That's their problem. If the only way they can make themselves feel better is by doing something to a kid doesn't that tell you more about them, then it could ever say about you? The destiny is not your own, if you choose to accept a different fate then the one they took.

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Originally Posted by stella06

and i dont want that for my child which is why i agreed to go through with it.

What about adoption? How about providing your child the ultimate gift of life and giving it to a family that has the means, time, energy and desire to raise it.

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Originally Posted by stella06

I've even thought of just not telling the date of the abortion and turning my phones off and just leaving him in the dark because i am scared that he forces his way into my space. I dont know what to do??

Well if you do have the abortion I would actually suggest that you do that. If you can maybe even go have the procedure done in another city so that it's not so close to home.

Stella, and forgive me if I'm out of line here, but I think what your really asking is “Is it okay for me to keep my baby?” And I'm here to tell you that it is.

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Originally Posted by jemima

You got it in one. I'm just so scared. Thank you for your time and effort once again.

Ummmm... I'm confused?! Is that Stella or Jemima?

First off, I agree with the other posters, your boyfriend sounds more scared of the reprocusions of having the baby, then "getting rid of the problem" He isn't thinking of you, he is just manipulating the situation in his favor. Who's to say that once he has you get rid of the baby, that he won't just leave you, that he is just staying to make sure the baby is out of the picture so it won't come back to haunt him. Let me tell you, if he really cared for you, no matter how scared he was, he would respect your wishes on this, and he would be there for you if you decided to KEEP the baby, and NOT just if you decided to get rid of it. Having an abortion isn't saving the baby from having a bad childhood. It's destroying it before it even gets a chance to try. If you are scared to raise this child alone(as your boyfriend wouldn't stay with you if you kept the baby, ad that is probably a good thing as he sounds very controlling, which can easily lead to abuse, mentally and or physically)then there is adoption. There are so many people out there that desperately want to have a baby, but can't have one of their own. Your child would not hate you for giving them up for adoption. In fact, theywould probably thank you for putting yourself aside, and giving them to a family, rather then destroying them before they got a beginning to life. The moment you are pregnant, you stop thinking about just yourself, because in that moment, you are responsible for a new little being, one that is completely dependent on you to do the best that you can for them. No matter what you might give up to do that. Just because you have an abortion, it doesn't mean the problem will go away. You will always feel guilty about it, and wonder if you made the right choice, and if this guy was worth it. Only it will be too late to do anything about it. Not only that, but having an abortion can make it difficult to get pregnant, or keep a pregnancy, in your future. There are so many things to look into here. Don't neglect your personal and emotional feelings in this. They will always come back to haunt you if you do. Emotions aren't something you can just drop and move on. I wish you the best in your decision, and hope you really consider the best decision, not for the guy, but for you and your child. (you ARE a mommy now.)

I have a friend who allowed her EX BOYFRIEND to convince her to get an abortion. She got pregnant two months after having it done, and against HIS choice, kept the baby. She now has an amazing two year old daughter, and nightmares about aborting her first pregnancy. She didn't think she was ready for a child, but now is graduating college as a registered nurse in a year, supports herself, and couldn't imagine NOT being a mommy! Please consider your other options! Abortion is so drastic, it can't be taken back. Once you do it it's done. Also remember that if you have an abortion you could ruin your chances of ever having children down the road. Please stop listening to this "chump" and ask yourself if YOU want this CHILD! Throw his "pros and cons list" out the window and decide for yourself what you really want. If you are so concerned about him, tell him that you have decided to keep the baby (even if you aren't sure yet) and see what he does. If he supports you, great! More than likely, though, he will probably be ticked off, tell you that you are being selfish, and "How could you do this to me?" I wish you all the best of luck in whatever you decide, but just think about your other options. Adoption could mean the difference of feeling guilty for the rest of your life, and giving the gift of life to a family that will never be able to have a child of their own. That could be you in ten years if you go through with the abortion.

I agree with what a lot of people are saying here but most of all what your saying to yourself. The fact that you are confused and unsure is the biggest reason not to do anything about it yet. An abortion is not something that you run and do when your really not sure if its what you really want to do. You should have no doubt in your mind that its what you want and are confident with your reasons. Decision made during a time of confusion are rarely good ones. Secondly, I hear all your reasons for not going through with having the baby, hard childhood, raising a child on your own. If that is really how you feel, there are so many couples out there that have suffered greater heartaches than this one in trying to conceive a child and cant. What a wonderful gift for you to be able to give someone. Imagine how good you would feel giving a couple who has been struggling for so long a baby to love. People who adopt children truly understand the meaning of life and that every child is nothing less than a miraculous gift from god. You are not selfish for not wanting to keep the baby and raise him/her yourself, it's a big big responsibility, just make sure that the decision you make is a solid one without any doubts.

When you say your partner... Do u mean boyfriend? For how long?

I would just like to point out that this post was in feb and that she either has or has not had the abortion by now. If not she would be in her second trimester already

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

First: If you do not want an abortion do not get one! You will regret that decision for the rest of your life.

Second: You both created the baby together and if he does not want to take responsibility for this, well it is a good time after the baby is born to go after him for child support. He does not want to face, so make him face it through the law.

Third: Do not make this decision based on what he wants, but base it on what you want.

Fourth: Since this situation has scarred you emotionally you have every right to keep your boyfriend away from you. He is cold and uncaring and because you know what he is like now, How can you really remain with him. I think you would be better off to leave this guy in your past for good, because having him around is just going to hurt you everytime you see him.

Fifth: Good luck to you with whatever you decide just remember it is YOUR CHOICE, and no one else's. Do not let this punk of a boyfriend breath down your neck. Tell him you need a break and a break is usually something permanant if your ready for that.

Joe

Reading this makes me literally sick to my stomach! This is an advise page, where I thought that people should be HELPFUL and reading this seems like nothing but an attept to make a sad and already bad situation worse. "Advise" should not come in the form of turning a pregnant girl against her unborn child's father. It should how ever come in the form of kind words, encouraging her to talk to her partner and to exprese to him how she feels and do what she knows in her heart is right, rather that be to keep her baby or not.

SO to the young lady who posted this question, I would like to encourage you to step back and look at what your life will be like if you keep this baby, and if you don't. Will you be able to maintain a healthy relationship with your partner if you abort your baby? If not, will it be worth it? Or if you keep it, are you prepared to go it without him (with out him doesn't mean alone though, you still have friends and family)? And keep in mind that there is an optin that you partner could change his mind in the up coming months of pregnancy.

If you need anyone to just talk to, I am here for you.

Good Luck, and God Bless.

I been in your situation way back 3 years ago. I got confused that time. What I did I followed what my man said. Now I have a cyst in my ovary and we separated 6 months ago. I thought doing what he wants will keep our relationship last but I was totally wrong, before our separation he fell in love with our neighbor,he said the only way that I could keep him stay was to got me pregnant again so he wouldn't look to other woman again. How? I can't have a baby because of my cyst its very risk to my health. I made a big mistake in my life. Every night I had a bad dream about my baby. I felt so guilty of what I did to him/her. I know its unforgiveble in eye's of god. Now.. will you still do the same thing? I thought I could have a better life without a baby, but I was wrong.. Having a baby will give you strength to struggle in our life. I hope you will not do the same thing because I asure you... You will regret it!

Well I took the advice from a lot of you and decided to keep my baby against my boyfriends will. He was angry, begged me to have the abortion, but I broke up with him and emphasized my decision to keep my baby. He would come outside my house everyday and phone me non stop. At one point he even threatened to kill himself.
Anyway I later found out that he was actually seeing someone else and has been for the last 7years! She is pregnant with his child and due in August. I then bumped into him when I was shopping oneday and he said that his girl friend and her child are the most important thing to him and if she finds out I am pregnant (I quote: "YOU WILL FEEL MY WRATH".
I was so crushed, the fact that he could do this to me was breaking me. I couldn't eat, sleep... I couldn't even think. I tried to stay strong for my baby but I couldn't. I miscarried 2 months ago.
The situation took hold of itself and his smiling with his lovely girlfriend and their child whilst I'm left here to grieve.

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Originally Posted by stella06

The situation took hold of itself and his smiling with his lovely girlfriend and their child whilst i'm left here to grieve.

I won't pretend to know what's it is like to lose a baby. I have no idea. But I still think you took the best route. If you would have had the abortion you would have questioned yourself for the rest of your life. I have yet to meet anybody that deep down (or on the surface for that matter) that did not regret getting an abortion. The route you went may not have had the end you wanted but you won't be left with the "what if" questions had you had the abortion.

If you believe in God, maybe the baby was never intended to live a full life, perhaps it was sent as a message for you to live a full life, and that could never be done with that guy you were with.

As for the comment you made above about him smiling with his girlfriend. Do you really think a guy like is smiling? His actions alone tell me he's confused, depressed, angery, and hopeless. You're the one that should be smiling, you got rid of the loser that's been holding you back from your own happiness.

I'm sorry that you've had to go threw what you have, but I am glad that you were able to stand up and take hold of your life and relationship. It' better that you found out the truth about what kind of man your boyfriend really was sooner rather than later. I'm so sorry for the lose of your baby, I don't know what I would do if I miscarried (I'm 13 weeks right now) and while I'm sure these words hold no real comfort, God Does have a plan for you. And I have faith that he will give you an abundance of beautiful children through out your life, should that be what you desire, all in the right time, with the right man.