How to deal with my husband's and son's loss?
Three months ago, my husband passed away after a hospitalisation that lasted for about 5 months.
He was my everything.
I grew up hating men because during my childhood and teenage years, I was abused regularly by my father, and because of that, only the thought of a man touching me was repulsive and scary to me.
But when I met my husband, things changed. He was so patient and kind to me. I loved him with all my heart and he was the most loving and tender man in the world. He made me trust him and he was the first (and only) man I ever made love with. We married after a while and had two beautiful children, my daughter who is now 14 and my son who is 13.
Alas, my husband was diagnosed with an aggressive type of brain cancer. His health was going from bad to worse to the point where he had to be moved to the hospital.
A few days after my husband was hospitalised I found out I was pregnant to our third child. At the time, I was totally neglecting myself. I was staying at the hospital all day, with zero sleep or food. The only food I was eating was the one my mom forced me to eat. My husband was my only priority and I devoted all of my time and energy to him.
When my husband passed away, I was seven months pregnant. My intense grieving during my husband's funeral caused me some very strong contractions and I had to be taken to the hospital. I gave birth to a baby boy that didn't make it and passed away soon after he was born.
My guilts for not taking proper care of myself during my pregnancy, are killing me. The only comforting thought is that my little boy will be in heaven with his daddy now.
I miss my husband so much. I still can't believe he is gone forever. I still think that I'll hear the keys on the door and see him coming in. And sometimes I swear I still hear him playing his guitar. I must be crazy but I still hear the guitar echoing in our house. He used to play all the time. It was like our home had its own personal soundtrack and now everything is just so quiet.
Those last three months that my husband is gone, I literally live in my bedroom. My employers were kind enough to give me some time off to deal with my loss, so I'm always at home, and more specifically, my bedroom, where I either sleep all day or just lay there crying. I don't eat, move or shower, I don't feel like doing anything that normal people do. I just don't care about these things.
The only thing that keeps me from killing myself is my kids, for whom I try to be there for but I don't want them to see me like this, so I spend most of the day isolated in my bedroom.
My mom has moved in with me to help me take care of them and I try my best but when I look at my kids, I see my husband and I can't hold my tears. Especially, my little boy, who looks like my husband's clone. I know it sounds strange but I can't even look at my own children. No matter how hard I try, when I look into my son's eyes, I see my husband's eyes and I want to scream from pain.
On top of everything else, I have to deal with ignorant relatives who can't stop telling me how I'm young and I must move on with my life because I can't spend the rest of my life alone. They don't understand that I won't want any other man ever again.
I want to make things better for my children but the sorrow inside me is so massive. All I feel is endless sadness, loneliness, guilts and helplessness.