Ask Me Help Desk - Is this considered cheating?

My husband and I decided to try a three some with another girl four years ago.

So when the time came, everything was going well, but suddenly, it seemed like a nightmare.

Him and 'her' kept going at it, even though I told him to stop. They were doing it in front of me for two hours straight. I saw them kiss and I was watching them do it. It was a complete nightmare. He wouldn't stop. He said this would be the only time he could do another girl, so he said he should have the chance to.

I cannot get the images out of my head till this day. It has hurt me very much, but I was the one who found the girl and asked her to participate and asked my husband to also because our sex life was getting pretty boring.

After this happened, my husband and I stopped having sex for awhile. I feel like he cheated on me but is it really cheating because I was the one who initiated it.

So, is this considered cheating? I have contemplated over the years to leave him because I have been so hurt over this, but he is a good husband and father. But this situation has left me sooooo hurt and scarred for life.

Is this cheating?

Well yes and no. It was cheating in the sense he broke his vow with you and had sexual relations with another woman.

It was not cheating in the sense he hid this from you. In fact you brought it into the relationship.

I sort of get the impression that your really asking "do I have a right to be upset with him?" And I'm sorry to say that answer is no.

I will agree that he may have taken liberty's beyond what he should have after you asked him to stop. But that's the price you pay for putting that offer in front of him, then doing all the work and then in the end doing a 180.

I've heard of people introducing this into marriages and sometimes it seems to work and in many cases it backfires like it did here. I think you both need marriage counceling because there are other issues that go beyond this that is causing some of the problems in your marriage.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chuff

Is this cheating?

Well yes and no. It was cheating in the sense he broke his vow with you and had sexual relations with another woman.

It was not cheating in the sense he hid this from you. In fact you brought it into the relationship.

I sort of get the impression that your really asking "do I have a right to be upset with him?" And I'm sorry to say that answer is no.

I will agree that he may have taken liberty's beyond what he should have after you asked him to stop. But that's the price you pay for putting that offer in front of him, then doing all the work and then in the end doing a 180.

I've heard of people introducing this into marriages and sometimes it seems to work and in many cases it backfires like it did here. I think you both need marriage counceling because there are other issues that go beyond this that is causing some of the problems in your marriage.

You are right. I do ask myself "Do I have the right to be upset?"

But I left out the part that after this happened, my husband kept begging me again for another round. And the girl begged me too. So I felt like they both had an attraction for each other after the first session, so I said 'yes' to a 2nd round, just to test my husband.

And in that session, they left me COMPLETELY out of everything.

That's when I realized that maybe he didn't love me. And I didn't initiate the second time around.

After this, my husband has stopped making love to me. He started flirting with girls. So I do feel party responsible for making this happen, but at the same time, I feel like my husband is at fault too.

I feel like if he really loved me, he wouldn't have wanted to do it a second time. He knew I was upset. To this day, there are no apologies from him and I am left in the dark not knowing if I should leave him because this eats me up everyday inside and it will forever for the rest of my life.

If you really loved your husband you would not have introduced this option in the first place. People make mistakes but marriage is about having vows between two people and only two people, once you introduce more then I agree hell is about to come and an ongoing night mare of the experience will forever be in your mind.

I agree with Chuff, that counseling is needed if you want to work through this. If not then it is up to you whether you can continue with the marriage or not. As far as my thoughts go you both cheated on each other when you introduced the third person.

Joe

Jesushelper makes a great point. You both cheated. Even though you didn't have sex with the woman you brought her into the marriage. You brought a third party into a marriage and he had relations with her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lilly_Diva

You are right. I do ask myself "Do I have the right to be upset?"

But I left out the part that after this happened, my husband kept begging me again for another round. And the girl begged me too. So I felt like they both had an attraction for each other after the first session, so I said 'yes' to a 2nd round, just to test my husband.

I'm sorry and I get that women test men but we are
1. Incredibly ignorant of these tests.
2. Testing him when your marriage is on the line is not helping either of you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lilly_Diva

And in that session, they left me COMPLETELY out of everything.

That's when I realized that maybe he didn't love me. And I didn't initiate the second time around. .

I'm confused, did they leave you out or did you not initiate.

I really get the feeling you are leaving a lot of this story out just based on these two posts and what is said with in the posts. The truth is if you want the truth you've found the right place. But if you want a bunch of people to sugar coat something for you then that's not exactly what happens here. That's not to say we won't try and offer you some incite but you have to give us the full version of events for a proper evaluation. If I'm off base then I apologize up front but some statements don't seem to add up to me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lilly_Diva

After this, my husband has stopped making love to me. He started flirting with girls. So I do feel party responsible for making this happen, but at the same time, I feel like my husband is at fault too. .

Well if he's flirting and not having sex that's probably not a good sign. That being said has he initiated it and you pull away because of these images in your head or is he not interested at all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lilly_Diva

I feel like if he really loved me, he wouldn't have wanted to do it a second time. He knew I was upset.

I agree that he shouldn't have done it a second time if you were upset. But you offered him the opportunity so of course he was going to take it. As you said you tested him. We don't understand those things. From your emotional mind you are feeling that if this upsets you then he won't do it again, and from his logical mind his thinking, "she said I could, so it' okay." Men and women can and do read the same situation differently. This is a great case of that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lilly_Diva

To this day, there are no apologies from him

No apologies because you said he could have sex with another woman then brought him a woman yourself ? As much as this was wrong for a marriage and caused much damage to it, he doesn't owe you an apology.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lilly_Diva

and I am left in the dark not knowing if I should leave him because this eats me up everyday inside and it will forever for the rest of my life.

Well if this is going to eat you up forever then I guess it's probably better to end it. Again though I feel there are other issues here. This is a big one and probably where all the problems came to a boil but there are other problems beside this. If you want this marriage to work you will have to forgive him so that you can move forward and then put all your problems out in front of you and work through them individually.

You tried it and it didn't work and its both of your problems so share the blame. You both will have to communicate and work together to solve your problems. Boring sex is only a symptom of a greater problem you need to work on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lilly_Diva

My husband and I decided to try a three some with another girl four years ago.

So when the time came, everything was going well, but suddenly, it seemed like a nightmare.

Him and 'her' kept going at it, even though I told him to stop. They were doing it in front of me for two hours straight. I saw them kiss and I was watching them do it. It was a complete nightmare. He wouldn't stop. He said this would be the only time he could do another girl, so he said he should have the chance to.

I cannot get the images out of my head till this day. It has hurt me very much, but I was the one who found the girl and asked her to participate and asked my husband to also because our sex life was getting pretty boring.

After this happened, my husband and I stopped having sex for awhile. I feel like he cheated on me but is it really cheating because I was the one who initiated it.

So, is this considered cheating? I have contemplated over the years to leave him because I have been so hurt over this, but he is a good husband and father. But this situation has left me sooooo hurt and scarred for life.

Yes that is considered cheating because he ain't doing it with it's kind of like him doing it behind your back. NOW TAKE A SECOND AND THINK... he's not so still it is with another women if you need help email me at [email protected] I'm there for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mizznewsinger

yes that is considered cheating because he ain't doing it with it's kind of like him doing it behind your back.

IT IS ABSOULUTELY NOTHING LIKE HIM DOING IT BEHIND HER BACK.

Did you read the original post at all? She suggested it. She choose the other girl. She invited the other girl. She brought the other girl. She then allowed it to happen a second time. It is absolutely nothing, in no way, under no circumstances like him doing it behind her back.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mizznewsinger

NOW TAKE A SECOND AND THINK.............. he's not so still it is with another women

What?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mizznewsinger

if you need help email me at [email protected] i'm there for you.

Oh my.

It wasn't cheating to start with. Once it became clear that you weren't into it and wanted it to stop, that's the line where it becomes cheating.

This is why threesomes (or moresomes) are almost always a bad idea.

You can have a relationship in which this type of thing works. It's not easy, but it's possible. You can not, however, just jump into it late in the relationship. You can't go into it without rules about who, what, and how specifically spelled out and understood by all parties before the fact. You also have to specify that any participant can put an end to it at any time. And even with those rules set up and followed, you're still going to screw it up nine times out of ten, and even that is in the ideal situation.

Save yourself a lot of grief, and keep that kind of adventure out of serious, committed relationships. Very few people have the mindset to pull it off, and getting three of them together isn't exactly easy.

You should talk to your husband if he really loves you he will understand!

[QUOTE=Lilly_Diva]
So when the time came, everything was going well, but suddenly, it seemed like a nightmare.

Him and 'her' kept going at it, even though I told him to stop. They were doing it in front of me for two hours straight. I saw them kiss and I was watching them do it. It was a complete nightmare. He wouldn't stop. He said this would be the only time he could do another girl, so he said he should have the chance to.
QUOTE]

You say that everything was going well... the suddently something changed. I'm curious as to what happened that changed your view of the threesome? Did they pay more attention to each other than you? Did you suddenly find yourself out of the loop or was it more of an internal change?

I think the scariest thing about a threesome is the fear that your man will enjoy the other woman more than you.
Most women have a hard time disconnecting sex from emotions, while men seem to be able to do this easily. Seeing them perform intimate acts together, and especially kiss, seems like it would be something very hard to go through and I empathize with how this must have hurt you.
To give men the benefit of the doubt, a 'new' person to have sex with is more exciting in the moment than someone who they have seen naked countless time, especially if you say they your sex life had been going through a period of stagnation.
Yet if you two know and understand each other like I think you should, he should have listened to your pleas for them to stop... and especially not gone on for two hours! I find it impossible to understand how someone who loves you can continue stabbing you in the heart for two hours to satisfy his sexual hunger.
My boyfriend and I have joked about having a threesome. He has semi-seriously and semi-teasingly tried to convince me it would be a good idea, saying that the other girl could take care of his needs below while he was free to please me. I guess this is how a perfect threesome would go, but I don't think I would be able to take that chance. I think you have to be above and beyond the average level of confident and secure in order for a threesome to be a good thing, and this is not something most couples have.
I applaud you for trying taking a chance and making an effort to try to improve your sex life and your relationship. You obviously care a lot about this person... does he care the same way about you? From what I see, either he doesn't or he's completely clueless. And as much as has been said about men and their ignorance of a woman's feelings, I can't believe this man would have so little life experience as to not understand how having passionate sex in front of you with another woman for two hours (and then asking for it again, while not having sex with you) would not affect you.
I wonder what he would have said to the suggestion of bringin in another man for the threesome? I think most men wouldn't be able to stand seeing their significant other enjoying herself sexually with another man... and here's where the infamous double standard comes in.
Get your thoughts and feelings as straight as you can in your head and talk to him. If you do get through this, the only way will be by working together. As this event is in the past and can't be changed, make sure you think about what is bothering you in the relationship right now and what you and he can do to change this.

If you look back in your answers MISSTERI suggested you asking about a threesome with you you hubby and another guy. I think this might make him realize what situation you put yourself in. I know that I would not want the woman I loved being pleasured sexually by another man, ESPECIALLY in front of me.

I've read all the comments and read the situation thoroughly. Now I understand you brought the other lady into your sex life to spark up your sex life with your husband. In my opinion it was your fault UNTIL you told him to stop. That's when he crossed the line. (During intercourse if one of the parties decide its time to stop for any cercumstance they MUST obay there partners request). Now yes as any woman would feel hurt you tested him to see if he would betray you "again". Now the second time they completely left you out of the equation so that's cheating. You should look into marriage counseling. >PERSONAL INFO REMOVED<
Ruby :)

I got this information from my 9th grade health class notes :)