We dated at school over 20 years ago and he got in touch with me on FB. We hit it off straight away but he was always very self centered. We have been living together now for over a year. Last year was dreadful, arguing every couple of weeks, sleeping separately for a couple of weeks then getting back together. As soon as we moved in together the sex dropped dramatically from being 2-3 times a day to maybe twice a week with me always instigating it. I always gave him a blow job maybe once or twice a day but then sometimes he would turn me away. We ended up arguing when I tried to ask him about sex as he just would not talk about it. He would always turn it into an argument and walk out in a strop. I would find that he was going on the Internet and looking at porn every day but couldn't understand why he didn't want to have sex with me. When I asked him he would always blow his top and storm out. We have now lived together for over a year and I have come to terms with the fact that he doesn't want sex with me and prefers porn... I am not happy about this but too scared to confront him. I have left my vibrator out in the morning so he finds it when he gets home from work so that he knows that I have had to get myself off. He doesn't say anything about this to me.. When he goes away with his friends he doesn't even phone or text me ? I have to text him to ask if he has arrived OK and that's it, no more texts or calls until he returns ? We are engaged but I have not made any wedding arrangements as I don't know if he loves me ? I feel so neglected but I understand that he has always been self centered so am I being over sensitive ? I feel so alone. He is so secretive about what he does on the Internet that he even deletes his history...

No honest communications, no relationship. The lust has worn off and there is nothing left to build on.

Seems those dates back in the day weren't enough either. The bottom line is that if you can't talk to each other and resolve your issues, then what's the point?

I know, I know, but to be honest the lust wore off after 3 months after we were together. It's always been me instigating anything, he has never come on to me... until about a year ago when I said that if he couldn't talk about things then I was laying off and not doing anything for him. That's when the sex was once a week, if that and then it down to him to come on to me... and that's only when he's not working so wakes up and wants sex. Its crap and over within a minute. I love sex and it makes me feel so bad because all of my previous relationships have always had a lot of sexual involvement. I've never dressed up for him because he takes no interest in me. I feel like I have to turn away when I dress or undress as being semi naked or naked does nothing for him and it's not like I'm over weight or ugly (I get lots of interest from other men still, even with my engagement ring) so I don't understand why he doesn't feel the same way about me, or how other men feel about me.
He's always been into porn, and I accept that, and he know I love sex a lot but he says that relationships are not all about sex. Granted, but he take no interest in anything that I do. I always ask him how his day is and about him, but it's always about him. He never asks about me.

Am I at a dead end here or should I try to work it out, even though he erupts ever time I talk about anything personal?

This isn't about sex at all, but the lack of connection in other areas of this relationship. There seems to be nothing there but sex, and nothing else. You cannot build a relationship with just sex, nor judge this relationship by the ones you have had in the past.

A relationship is more than sharing your bodies, and if you cannot share in mind, and soul as well as bodies, you have no relationship. If you cannot talk, and build through understanding, and knowing each other, then you have no relationship. You are just two unhappy people who know each other.

Things have been better for the last 6 months since we are now living closer to where he works ( more awkward for me to get to work) and we seem to have found each other as in I understand that we might have sex once a week. He says he loves me every day when he goes off to work, but that is the only time that we kiss and have a cuddle.

He is very private as he's one of two boys so I guess that's why his family isn't that close and maybe he hasn't learned how to be in a relationship. Saying that he has two children and was married before but says he was forced to get married and didn't really love the mother of his children..

I guess that's why I feel so insecure. He still acts like he's a teenager, which I am learning to live with, but it makes me feel that he will stray at any flattery..

So lack of sex makes you insecure? Am I reading you right? Or is your insecurity making you rely on sex to feel loved?

You're right, there is no sex ! But that is what I have to get over and I thought I had but it looks like I've still got that bee in my bonnet !

The thing that annoys me is that he can check in at places so has time to do that on Facebook but doesn't have time to text or give me a call to say that he has arrived, and like I said I won't get any other communication until he comes home. He has moved miles to live with me (though he did say that he needed to get out of the town he was in as there was nothing there for him) - so I feel like now that he's established himself here he is going to move on.

Surely men in a relatioship don't act this way ? Surely if you love someone you keep in touch with them when you are apart ?

Maybe you are right, no communication so no relationship worth ? We do have a laugh and do talk, just not about personal things like sex, as I said he blows and I don't get to say what I want. Is that right ? Is that normal ?


Our messages are clashing but you are right. Sex has always been a big part of my life and I can't expect the same from everyone.

But why does he loose himself when he's with his friends ? He doesn't see them very ofter but I'm damn sure they phone or text home to keep in touch. He did when we first got together which is why I feel insecure. Why doesn't he keep in touch with me or is there someone else he keeps in touch with??

Or is his style, and ways so different than yours, and you need more than 2 years to really understand, and adjust to each other? Though you have known each other since high school, you never know what a person has gone through in the 20 years you were out of touch. Its often the case that it takes a few YEARS before you can develop a communications where you can understand each other.

It takes a while even to be able to express what we expect from our partners, and it all comes down to how well you communicate, and work together.

Thanks for listening talaniman, I do know that we have definitely come a hell of a long way in understanding each other this last 6 months. I understand that sex will never be what I want, but its not all about sex. We talk about other stuff but he will never ever talk about sex or either of our needs.

I just don't get why he won't just give me that text saying goodnight when he is away with his mates? That's why I feel so alone and unloved when he's not with me. I can't even text him goodnight when he's not with me as it makes me feel sick when he doesn't bother to respond, when I know he's awake as he's posting stuff about him and his mates on Facebook. He's 41 so he should know better and should surely understand how to conduct himself in a relationship ?

I just get the feeling that I'm second best - especially as he's so secretive with his phone etc. and I know I should trust him but him being this way makes me so curious... am I so wrong to feel this way ?

There's a lot going on here. First of all the sex. Is it actually the quanitity or the quality that's the problem? Sex once or twice a week doesn't sound too bad to me. Sex that lasts a minute where he shows you no passion sounds worse than no sex at all. Do you end up feeling like it was a non-event so you want it to happen again asap in the hope it will be better next time? Always hankering for a bit more from him both in and out of the bedroom?

He takes no interest in you. He doesn't respond to your texts. Sounds like he is taking you for granted. Is this mainly since you moved in together?

Can I ask exactly how things have improved over the last six months? I'm guessing that is what is keeping you in the relationship. It doesn't appear to have improved enough. I expect whatever improvement there has been has left you hoping for more changes for the better. With a partner that sounds so unaware of you and is not willing to communicate I don't hold out a great deal of hope, but maybe if you can give a bit more detail on how things have improved that would help us see the picture a bit clearer.

I get the impression you are living largely on hope. Do you 'chase' him a lot to try and get what you need from him?

Sorry if that seems like more questions than answers but trying to understand the relationship a bit more.

Thanks, it's good to ask questions, that's how I can get answers !

The sex is once a week if that and that's been for the past year. It's dreadful and yes I do want more but better too. I feel like I don't want to do anything for him oraly anymore (which I love) as I feel why should I and like I said I told him that I wasn't going to instigate anything again as he has pushed me away too many times. If he wants it he has to come on to me. Ive had to get on with doing it myself which is fine as I can orgasm every time.

You're right about the lack of communication since moving in together however he will call me at work every day (to talk about him, never asks about my day - ever). But on the odd occasion that he goes away with his friends he just doesn't bother to contact me at all, no calls or text in the day and like I said he doesn't let me know that he has arrived safely. Last night he was checking in on Facebook at all different places on his journey, then with his friends, but it was me who had to text him to ask if he was there.

Things have improved as in he is happier as he doesn't have to spend so much time travelling to and from work. Since he's got his wifi working he is happier too as he can get himself off before I get home from work - again doesn't want sex with me, prefers porn. He hated where we used to live and so he really likes it here so I guess that helps too.

We got engaged a few months after we got together. He then moved 100 miles to live with me about a year and a half ago. The first year was dreadful as he wasn't working for most of it and so was very moody, especially as he hated where we lived. Like I said we were falling out every couple of weeks and that was mainly when I asked him about sex and why he wouldn't talk about it, why he didn't want to have sex with me etc.

Since we've moved things seem to have settled and we seem to have come together and understand each other more. Even though we still have the sex problem, I don't even bother going there mentioning it to him so just do it myself.

I do feel like I'm living on hope...

Well you say he is much happier, but are you?
It seems the only benefit you have got from his increased happiness is that he isn't so moody.
You aren't falling out so much but that mainly seems to be because you have stopped talking to him about what you want.

Personally I could live with him being forgetful of making contact when he is tied up with his pals, but if he shows little interest in you at all then it sounds like a very one-sided relationship to me.

I can only think of 3 options available to you really:

1. Tell him you love him but are unhappy in the relationship and need to really talk (calmly) about what the problems are, with a conseller maybe, particularly as you are engaged. I certainly wouldn't be rushing those marriage plans with things as they are.

2. Accept that you live with someone who is self-centred and doesn't like to discuss problems. Maybe in time he can adjust a bit but you could be waiting a long time for very little.

3. Decide you deserve a relationship that is more equal and are willing to let this one go.

Thank you QLP, I have been trying to accept his self-centredness. Its just harder when he forgets the little things like me when he's away ! I would never forget him ! If he can spend time checking into places on fb then surely h can remember me - but then he is self-centred so I guess that is part of it then ?

Thanks again, it's been good to talk :)

Ps: I haven't even bothered with wedding plans as I am still in limbo with all of this. Tying the knott will have to wait until I feel more satisfied with our life.