Ask Me Help Desk - Age Difference

Age Difference

I am 27 years old and my partner is 28 years older than me.We have been dating almost 2 years.I am really in love with him.
But he is a control freak. I can't spend my time with my friends.He doesn't let me visit my parents because they live in another city.Nobody can come to my house because he doesn't like it.. I don't go anywhere without him. I can't take a trip.In fact he feels insecure.He can't trust me. We had a break up for 4 months last year because of these reasons but he came back to me again. What should I do?We really love each other.When we are together,we enjoy our time.But he is oversupporting.I want my space but he can't understand it.Please tell me how can I manage this relationship?:confused: :confused:

It's simple: Don't.

This has nothing to do with age difference, it has to do with control. He wants you to have nobody but him so that no matter what he does down the line (cheat, abuse, whatever) you don't have anywhere to go. You don't get to have friends, you don't get to have a family. Once you accept that, he'll want you to not work, and eventually not even leave the house without him. And by that point, you'll have nobody to turn to except him, and you KNOW what he'll say.

I don't think that the problems this man has in his relationship with you have anything to do with an age difference. That's not to say that it's ideal to date someone 28 years your senior but be careful not to attack the wrong culprit. I don't think you're ever going to be able to "manage" this relationship. As you say, he is a control freak, they come in all ages and genders and are usually very difficult people to relate to. You have to decide for yourself whether you want to go on tolerating this kind of treatment. I can't make the decision for you but he certainly doesn't sound like the kind of person I'd want my daughter or sister to "love."

Three is a valid reason why this guy was single - he most likely tried his control methods on other women and they fled. Once you "give in", it is not going to stop. Has nothing to do with his age. It has everything to do with him wanting to be the alpha male in every part of your life.

It is not about love with him - he cannot love the way you want to be loved. Men who exert that much dominance can only love in conditional terms. I do not think you want that long term, or short term for that matter.

You broke up once, I really hope you can break away again and stay away. It would be for your best emotional and physical safety. Men who get out of control are... there are so many words to describe it - the paramedics see women every day who have been become victims of men who have lost their control.

I also hope you do some introspection as to what attracted you to this guy - have you been attracted to men previously with the same behavior patterns? Take care that you do not step into another relationship with a man who has similar issues.

Hope this helps. I wish you safety and health and well being.

The only way to manage is to get out and stay out. You are being abused and you should have the freedom to see your friends and to visit your family. If he does not like that too bad. This behaviour is a precursor to further abuse if you do not nip it in the bud. As far as age difference goes, well there are some people who act that way in a relationship no matter what the age is.

As far as age difference I think there is something wrong here. He is treating you more like a daughter and treating you like a child. So yes, in that aspect the age is a factor. Have you always been attracted to older man, if so the reason is being that you probably never really had a father figure and your looking for that in a partner and you find that in older man. Will this relationship work in the long run, do not think so.

You need to ask yourself some serious questions.

Joe

Quote:

Originally Posted by nooshin

he is a control freak.
I can't spend my time with my friends.
He doesnt let me visit my parents.
Nobody can come to my house because he doesnt like it.
I dont go anywhere without him.
I can't take a trip.
he feels insecure.
He can't trust me.

This guy is DANGEROUS. He's building a cage around you. Get out NOW. Don't hesitate another day. This is deadly serious. It is NOT love. You're his quarry. Get away as far and as fast as you can, and don't tell him where you are. Tell your parents and at least two or three other friends what you're going to do before you go. There's no telling what he'll do when he figures out you've escaped his trap, so other people need to know what's going on. Talk to somebody at a women's shelter if there's one near you. Get help planning and executing your escape. Don't delay. This is not something to "manage".

Quote:

Originally Posted by nooshin

I am 27 years old and my partner is 28 years older than me.We have been dating almost 2 years. :

This has nothing to do with the rest of your statement. But I'd like to point out that if most 55 year men had a 27 year old girlfriend he'd be kissing you butt not the other way around. Although some will disagree, pesonally I've never thought it was a big deal to date somebody not your age. If you not happy with someone is a month older than you and you are happy with someone that is 28 years older than you then be happy. Your problem is your not happy. And you make excuses for him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nooshin

I am really in love with him.
But he is a control freak. I can't spend my time with my friends.He doesnt let me visit my parents because they live in another city.Nobody can come to my house because he doesnt like it..I dont go anywhere without him. I can't take a trip.In fact he feels insecure.

He is obviously very insecure. But you can't change that. Only he can. Nor can you stay with him and bring him up. He will only bring you down.

These are signs of a much deeper issue about trust. He doesn't trust you. If after 2 years he doesn't trust you, he certainly doesn't love you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nooshin

He can't trust me.

Great. I didn't have to say it, he admits it. Does he admit he doesn't love you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by nooshin

We had a break up for 4 months last year because of these reasons but he came back to me again.

Whoa! He came back to you? You mean you went back to him? I guess I don't understand how you could break up with him over this but he came back to you. You can't lie to make him sound better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nooshin

What should I do?

Leave. Tell him flat out that a relationship involves two people, not one owner and one slave.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nooshin

We really love each other.

You love him. You can not speak for him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nooshin

When we are together,we enjoy our time.But he is oversupporting.I want my space but he can't understand it.Please tell me how can I manage this relationship?:confused: :confused:

I don't see how you can. He doesn't allow you to bring anything to the table. It's just him and you have no choice. If you want choices in life and to be able to see your family and friends you need to rid yourself of the one that stops you from seeing all these people.

Had to spread it chuff, but you are correct, the solution to all her problems is to get away from this old control freak.