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I'm 19 and I'm a girl. I also happen to like this guy a lot, but he's 14. I know it's wrong but why exactly is it wrong? (nothing legal wise) I want to hear truly from what YOU think. NOT what society taught you. Because I like this one boy will I become some molester or rapist of young boys? I would like good advice?
Okay, I'll spare you the legalities, even though you should really here them, because this could land you in jail.
Why is it wrong? You're an adult. You're likely done school, probably in college, or working. You're old enough to make decisions on your own. If you want to move out, you're old enough to do so. The people you're friends with are likely in the same boat as you.
He's 14. He's in Junior High school. He can't even drive a car much less move out on his own. He's a child. He has absolutely nothing in common with you, he can't possibly, there's too much of a gap, not only in age, but maturity, and please spare me the "he's very mature for his age" bit.
You can like him, but you can't date him. That's where the last part of your question comes in. If you date him, you'll be considered a pedophile. That's what adults who prey on children are called, and the fact is, no matter how mature he is or how immature you are for your ages, you are an adult, and he is a child.
You're smart enough to walk away from this. He isn't. All he sees is that a hot older women is interested in him. His common sense (if he has any, which most 14 year olds don't), won't keep him safe. That's why there are laws, to protect those that aren't wise enough to protect themselves.
If you had any physical contact with him, you could be sent to jail, and you would be labelled a sex offender for the rest of your life.
It's not worth the risk just because you "like" someone. Is it?
Ok so you don't want moral or legal answers, so what you are saying basically is not to answer unless we agree with you. Is that about what you want.
1. it is illegal, since if there is any "touching" even you would be a child molester legally.
2. have you discussed it with his parents, since they would have to approve.
3.Morally, he is a child and anyone your age is a pedophile to have interest in a child that young
And no matter what he thinks or wants, he is too easily controlled by a older women at his age.
Advice, move on in dating and if in 4 or 5 years, he and you find each other again, that is great.
Ehhhh I can't really say,
Oh don't worry the whole he's mature for his age crap annoys me also. I wouldn't say we have nothing in common cause we do but... ehhh, no most people I've met I have nothing in common with but he has the most that I've met. I haven't done anything in that nature with him but I can't really say if it's not worth it. And no I'm not really in college and I'm not working.
I'm going to use another trite line that I hate. If you really care about him, then wait. He really is way too young to be dating anyone, just less an adult, which job or no job, college or no college, you are. Sadly it is all about age.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tyra231
Fact is, if you two have tons in common now, then why not wait until he's an adult as well, then connect. Yes it's 4 years, but if he's worth it then that's nothing.
Another reason, not legal, or moral, for not dating him, is that he's not likely to take a relationship seriously. At 14 he's at the stage where a long term relationship is one that lasts a month. There's a reason for that. At 14 his brain just isn't ready to make a commitment to anyone.
Bottom line, we can't always have what we want. Sometimes we have to walk away, not only for our own good, but for the good of others as well. That's a sign of true maturity. Let him go. Look him up in 4 years. :)
Fr_Chuck,
No, I never said that, but basically your implying that you have no thought OF YOUR OWN to my question. I wanted to know YOUR OWN opinion. Moral is fine and legal is in the society category which I'm fully aware of. All I asked of you was to truly think why you find it wrong.
Altenwag,
Thank you but I guess my real question is why am I so attracted to him. Opposed to people my own age?
It's likely his personality. You said that you two surprisingly have a lot in common, which is unusual considering the age difference. Personality is one of the main reasons for attraction. But, that doesn't mean that you should follow your heart in this case. Common sense has to dictate here, and so does the law.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tyra231
How do you know him? Is he the brother of a friend, a friend of one of your siblings?
It is more common than most accept that people far too often confuse friendship with someone of the other sex with boyfriends,
They have things in common, they enjoy each others company, which is why many husbands has issues with wife's having male friends or males having female friends, that friendships too often are confused esp if there is some loss or period of being upset where the other person fills a void.
First, you never said whether this kid is into you.
The difference of power in this crush is clear, you are vulnerable and he is untouchable. You're the older woman, and the law says you're in the wrong. That being said, he could very easily wrap you around his finger because he knows this just as much as everyone else. In other words, you're setting yourself up.
He doesn't have to be into you to do this either, he could toy with you just because he can.
Looking from your perspective, I see this as too much of a gamble for a simple crush. Looking from his perspective, this is the greatest opportunity he is going to see at 14.
So very true.Quote:
Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
Often what is actually a friendship can make us feel more, even though there isn't more there.
Tyra, you said that you're not working, or in college. What do you do with your time? Is it possible that you're attracted to him just because he's there while you're at a bit of a crossroads in your life?
He's a friend of a friends brother. I met him when I visited my friend at Yale. He actually lives in my neighborhood but I hadn't seen him or his brother. His older brother was dating my bestie at the time. I remember I thought he was pretty cool cause he was 6'5 at that time
Wow! 6'5" at 14? This kid is going to be a giant! :eek:Quote:
Originally Posted by Tyra231
Have you spent time with him since? If so, how often, and what do you two do together?
What do you do with your days? Could it be that you've clung onto him because he's there and you're a bit lonely or bored?
::edit:: Also, where are your friends? Are they working? Are they in college? Do you get to see them a lot, or are you pretty much alone most of the time? This could be playing a huge role in why you are attracted to him. He's there, he's available.
I just finished college and just entered med school with my friend. No, he just seems to fit more of what I like to do. Where I go partying is big and if not that you have no social life that your always in the book or you're a nerd. I'm not like my friend who enjoys partying and men but I enjoy being nerdier and doing other things
So what do the two of you have in common with each other? What attracts you to him?Quote:
Originally Posted by Tyra231
When will you be going to med school? Will you be living at home when you go?
You'll meet many people with the same interests as you when you go to med school. I have a friend that will be starting his 3rd year of med school this semester. There are many different people there, people that like to party, but also people like you, so leave yourself open to meet those people.
Once you're in med school this 14 year old will be left behind. Even if it were okay to have a relationship with him, which I can't stress enough, it's not okay, he'd have nothing left in common with you. He's still in Junior high. He has so many hurdles to overcome that you've already overcome. You will only grow further apart, not closer together, not until he's a lot older. It's inevitable.
Be his friend by all means. That can't harm either of you, but don't look at him as a romantic prospect. It will only hurt both of you in the end. Give yourself a chance to meet someone closer to your age, someone that shares the same interests, the same passion, has hit the same milestones in life. Someone you can grow with, not someone that still has a lot of growing to do. :)
My chicken pot pie is done. I'll be back a bit later.
Most of my friends are usually out partying now or their getting married or partying or doing drugs or too busy studying or starting drama or playing video games. I do see them probably 3 days out the week and that's because I'm more of a loner in a sense.
We used to spend probably every other day together for awhile because we used to do training together. But I stopped it to every other other day but I'll play video games with him every day to every other day. Most of the men I've met in med school that were nerdier liked nerdy things that I don't particularly favor. I'm a huge technology girl. I've worked for apple for 2+ years before I quit I restored a 69 charger and I modified my cobalt myself and Ive custom built a desktop and just recently modified my iPad 2 camera and processor and made it much better than what it is now. And I haven't met a man in med school yet who can actually keep up with my interests and hobbies. I dance, I do makeup on the side I hike and other things. It irritates me to no end when guys bring up technology and know nothing about it. For an example a guy was talking about why he wanted a Porsche and his reason was cause it's sexy and fast. He couldn't tell me nothing about the company or any of the cars torque or horsepower at least. Men in med school just irritate me beyond no mean. They love to brag to me about how much they'll make once they get out and how they'll be able to take care of me and I'm like seriously? It annoys me cause I don't brag at the fact I'm going to be an orthopedic surgeon making at least two times more than them.
I understand your frustration, but you just haven't met the right man yet. Trust me, you will.
Why not join some groups that pertain to your interests? Not many med students are into mechanics, or technology. They're into, well, human anatomy, medical issues, etc. etc. That's why they're studying medicine. Or they're in it for the money. ;)
Go places where you'll meet people with the same interests as you. You're never going to meet someone with the same interests, but you should be able to meet someone with similar interests. I did. But it did take a while to find him.
Don't give up on guys your age. As for the 14 year old. Please keep what I said in mind. I don't really think you asked this question because you want to date him, I think it was more a question of why it's wrong in societies eyes. I don't think you're a pedophile, but you would be considered one if you chose to date this child. I don't believe that you're interested in children as a whole, you're just interested in this particular one, despite his age.
Obviously you know that it's not right, otherwise you wouldn't have come her to ask, right?
Yes but,
It was more of me wanting to know how to tell him. He's the one who asked me after trying to move way too far past friendship and I couldn't truly answer him. And I haven't tried to do anything with him. He wanted to be with me and be intimate with me cause he said he loved me but I couldn't do that stuff with him and he asked why? And why can't I be with him and it was something I couldn't truly answer so I looked for help haha.
Be honest with him. Tell him that in our society he's a child, you're an adult. He may not feel like a child, but when he's an adult he'll realize how very naïve he was at 14. There are laws to protect children, especially when sexual contact is an issue. He may not like the rules, but as a member of society, he, and you, have to abide by them.Quote:
Originally Posted by Tyra231
Also tell him that you would be risking jail, and a lifelong label as a sex offender if you were to do what he wanted. If he really cares about you that alone will make him back off.
It will hurt. He's 14. Surely you remember your first crush, and either being turned down, or rejected, or dumped. It hurts like the real thing. Heck, I'm 40 and I still remember that first crush. I was sure it was love. It hurt like it was love. But, now that I'm older, and a bit wiser, I realize now that what I felt was far from love. That's what he's feeling for you. That's okay. That's part of growing up, but another part of growing up is understanding that you can't have everything you want, and that there are rules that everyone has to abide by.
I know it won't be easy for you to do this, but it's really in both of your best interests.
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