Ask Me Help Desk - Should I meet him?

To make a very long story short, I am in love with a guy I've never met. Or, at least I'm in love with the idea of him. I talked to a guy long distance for about 3 years and over the course of the three years we tried to meet up a couple times but it never seemed to work out (met him on a scholarship website). So in essence, I've never met him. I cared for him quite deeply, and he felt the same way. However I just got to a point where I couldn't do it anymore and I told him that I had to stop talking to him. My feelings were way to serious for the fact that we'd never actually met. We had a bit of a fight, and after a few months of on again/off again talking, we finally stopped. I miss him terribly and can't help but wish everyday that I had met him. There is just this empty feeling that I never really had closure. I don't know whether this is normal given the circumstances, or if it something I should try to gain insight into. Should I give up? Or should I give in and fly all the way to see him? If so, then should I make contact with him and arrange something or let him know when I'm in town? He's in Chicago and I'm in Arizona, so it's not exactly around the riverbend. Thanks for all the help and insight!

Why do you have to go to him ? It is a two way street, so to speak.

Tick

So do you talk and chat online every day or so, Or he is just a dream, someone you chatted to a few time and have made out to be an entire life ?

Are you saying you plan to fly there without him knowing it and then just try to "POP" in ?

First, closure comes from within. We like to think we can get it from other people, but in actuality we have to close the door and accept it is over.

I understand it is harder to close the door when you have a lot of 'what-ifs' acting as a doorstop. The 'what-ifs' will always be there unless you kick them out. Answer one and a dozen more pop in. Ignore them and eventually they disappear. They can't survive if you don't give them any attention.

You have given it three years. Three years is quite a while to care about someone and even a long distance internet relationship takes time to properly let go. You are still healing and need to give yourself ways to move forward instead of backward.

How long has it been since your last contact with him? Realistically, he has probably already started moving forward on his own so surprising him could turn out to be a very bad idea.

I think you should go about your own life giving yourself time and ways to let go.

I don't think meeting him would give you closure, as you're relationship was entirely digital and you never met whilst you were together. Meeting him would open up an entirely new aspect of the relationship and it may therefore be harder to walk away from. You need to remember that the reasons you broke up with him were valid at the time, and if you start messing with the dynamics of your relationship it will probably only make things more complicated between the two of you.

However, if you really want to be with him and are willing to travel part or all of the way, then do it. What's stopping you?

Is this something you might spend the rest of your life regretting? The "opportunity" you let slip away?

I think life is too short to spend it regretting what you didn't do. I wouldn't surprise the guy, but you should be able to plan a couple of days to meet face to face.

I am sure that after a couple of hours of in person talking, you'll find he is not quite what you imaginged, which could be good or bad... but you'll never know if you don't take that chance.

The last email that he sent me was probably about 2 months ago, and he just said in his opinion it was best if we stopped talking because if I'm around to talk to than he's too distracted and can't have a real relationship with anyone else. I think this is kind of bogus, but it let's me know more about him. He's obviously not willing to fight for me, and that's a quality which I seek in a man. So you are right... I just need to stop saying "what if" we'd met and just move on. It's hard to move past him, but I just have to tell myself that I was more in love with the man I thought he was than who he really is. The internet makes for quite a smoke screen to hide your faults behind. Thanks for all the advice everyone!

My take on it is this. If you two meet, what then? You've been "talking" for three years now. You've put your romantic life on hold for this guy, someone you've never met, someone that even if you do meet, will likely not be able to have an actual relationship with you because of distance.

Are you looking for long term, or just now? If it's just now, then keep talking to him, plan to see him. If you're looking for long term, find someone you can actually date face to face.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ruthie28751

There is just this empty feeling that I never really had closure.

Seeking closure is just an excuse to visit an ex. It had been popularized in TV and movies, the term, in this context, is meaningless. After the emotions settle, you'll close the book on this one yourself.