I recently went through a pretty messy breakup, firstly I'm 17 and just finished year 12 and am in the transition into workig life and university and this breakup has really messed with my head of a lot of things. One thing I've found is that I really can't let go, at first I thought it was because I was in love and couldn't just give up but I'm starting to think I'm subconsciusly trying to keep hurting myself by reliving the pain of the breakup over and over but I don't understand why... I just get so angry at myself and don't know what to do say or act anymore, I don't know who I'm turning into but its not me

Jab, I am sorry you are so much pain.

You wrote: im starting to think im subconsciusly trying to keep hurting myself by reliving the pain of the breakup over and over

I don't think that is the case at all.

im 17 and just finished year 12 and am in the transition into workig life and university and this breakup has really messed with my head of a lot of things. one thing ive found is that i really can't let go, at first i thought it was because i was in love and couldnt just give up

The problem here is that you are 17, you have A LOT of stuff and stress going on in your life right now. On top of all those stresses, your significant other dumped you. It hurts to have someone reject you. As we get older, all of us have had that happen at one time or another, in some way.

What you are feeling and going through is absolutely normal. You are not crazy. But, you are right about something, this is not you. You are experiencing depression from a break up. As I said, it is normal, and if you give yourself some time, I promise you -- it will pass. Most men do not open up to their friends and talk about a breakup like women do. They have a tendency to bottle things up. Sometimes, that kind of repression builds up too much and the result is what you are stating here. You are fixating on the breakup and you need to stop doing this to yourself.

What are some of the things that you do in your spare time that make you happy? (and don't tell me hanging with the person who just dumped you).:( Do you like to play any sports? If there are different sport acitivities you like, get a few of your mates together for a game. Physical activity helps us when we are in a depressed state. It releases certain chemicals that alter our moods in a good way.

Do you like to go to the pub once in a while and hang with your mates? Do you like to go to the movies? Get them together and find a good comedy, something absolutely silly and go see it. Then go out for a bite to eat with your friends.

Think about the things you like to do that make you relax and DO THEM. It may take some time to pass but I promise you, you will start feeling better once you begin to do these things I am suggesting.

Let us know how you doing and progressing. Good Luck! :)

Ive tried going out with friends but she's also friends with mot of them... and the other feel awkward about excluding her and want to invite her so all that does is make it hurt even more becausehe openly flirts with them and when she's drunk... does more

Jaby, no wonder you feel the way you do!

Your ex is being a totally immature jerk!!

She is tormenting you in front of your friends and since you are in the same social circle, you can't get away from her. Honey, you are NOT subconsciously trying to hurt yourself as you suggested above, because SHE is CONSCIOUSLY hurting YOU.

Do you have any other friends outside of your usual circle or in your circle, who do not associate with her or will not include her in your outings? Really give this some thought. There has to be one or two people. You need to separate yourself from the ones that do include her for a while. Either that, or tell those people when you call to make plans, that you do not want to include her and let them know if she shows up, you are leaving. THEN LEAVE, if she does show. Two things will happen here:

1. You will find out who your true friends are
2. You will be giving yourself a very much needed break from her

You cannot get over a breakup by constantly being around the one who broke up with you.

Isn't there any kind of sport or activity that you like to do that she hates? Start with that and include your friends who enjoy doing that too.
Please, for your own mental health, you have to think about what I am saying and come up with ideas. I don't know you and I don't know what you like to do. If you are not sure of what kind of things to do, post a list here of things that interest you and things you enjoy doing. I will try to come up with a plan of action for you.

Well we used to always go play squash sundays but now she goes, we have a get ogther at a mates houseevey weekwhich shegoes to my best mate I also bestfriends ith her now and most of my other friends I fll out of contact wth after school, now my only intrst and things can do without seeinger is my boxing and gym stuff which just feels like I'm taking all my anger out other people physically which isn't something I want to do but anything else used to dothatwould help I can't do anymore. So I spend most of my days either at work *havent sarted uni yet* or hangig around the house working over my puching bag or watching movies because I can't go jogging or bke riding like I normally do because its been raining non stop for the last 2 weeks

I think the boxing and gym stuff is very good for you right now. So what if you feel like you are taking your anger out in boxing. That is actually what they look for in a good boxer. The other people you are sparring with expect you to punch and pummel them. If not, they shouldn't be in the ring. Use the body punch bag if that is what they are called. I don't remember the terms too much any more. Beat the crap out of the bag. Get all your pent up anger out. It will make you feel better.

I know what you mean about not being able to do outside stuff because I am looking at 6 inches of new snow that fell last night that I have to shovel. Do your folks work full time? Is there a possibility of a family outing this weekend that you could do or do something with just one of your parents? Go to the movies with them? Are you in London or near it? Do a tour of a Madame Tussauds or some museum that interests one of you? Do you have any pets? If you have a dog, teach him/her some tricks or go sign up for an agility class with the dog? It is a lot of fun. Do you have cousins or some other friends that live out of your town that you can go visit for a couple of day or at least do something with them tomorrow? Do you play basketball at all? Is there a local gym or YMCA that you can go to with a friend and play one on one with?

You need to start thinking "outside the box" that you have placed yourself in. Just waiting about for University to begin is kind of boring and unfulfilling. Have you made any new friends at work that you can suggest doing something with after work? I would start working on that this coming week. Find someone you click with and go for a bite to eat after work one day. Maybe go with them to a club? Do you have raquetball over there? It is a lot like squash. Maybe there is a court you can find. A lot of times, people are looking for someone new to play with and you can find them hanging around outside the court.

Since the weather is bad, think about indoor activities that you have never tried before and that you haven't done for a while. What about board games? Can you get your family together this weekend to order out pizza and play some games?

I am really trying to help here but I am running out of ideas. My point in all of this is that you have to take a break from seeing your ex for a while. You need to really think about doing something different that will separate yourself from her. You need to give yourself time to heal.

I hope this helped a bit.

When two people's lives are mixed together as extensively as yours sound, you lose so much more than just a relationship, you practically lose a way of life. That can be extra traumatic. I agree with Ruby in that you'll need to reinvent portions of your life, sort out which friends will be true to you and work harder at avoiding her and getting her out of your system.

Self anger is some of the hardest stuff we have to deal with as humans and its never easy at any any. Learn from what has happened and be smarter, stronger and better to counteract some of that self anger. I like the gym idea but would add to that a list of important things you've learned so that you can see the progress you are making whilst grieving this loss. Grief makes us feel weird for a while too - expect that.

When you see something gained for the pain, it makes it easier to allow yourself the grace of making mistakes. You are young and it will get easier as you age (it did for me) but that is primarily because you stop making the mistakes as you go along in your life. Having made them once or twice already, you begin to duck more when you see them coming. Wisdom comes from screwing up, not doing it perfectly. LOL

I am sorry for your loss Jabybebus.

Very, very well said Valinors. Thank you. I should have explained more as you have done here. I was thinking about the fact that as we get older, hopefully, we get a bit smarter from our experiences and avoid making the same mistakes twice. But, I was really concentrating on getting Jabybebus to start looking in other area of his life for new things to do to give himself time to take the mental break from the ex that he really needs.

So, Jabybebus, please think about what Valinors and I have said. Reread the postings if you have to. You do need to "rebuild" your life and look to find other friends outside of your regular circle so that you can move on. You deserve to find some joy in your life right now.