Ask Me Help Desk - "you're not my dad!"

We have been having problems on and off with my son for a while now. Last week he missed the entire week of school because he was sick, so now he has a week's worth of work to make up. He's in the 3rd grade & makes good grades. His teacher doesn't seem to have any problems with him at school. We always have problems getting him to do his homework, he will say "why do I have to do homework I already did it at school", or "I don't need to do homework if I understand it". Anyway, this evening my husband was trying to get my son to do an essay that was part of the make-up homework. We know that he can do the essay and I had even given him some ideas to get it going but he flat out refused. My husband tried really hard to talk calmly to him & find out why he didn't want to do the essay & explain that regardless it was assigned and he has to do it. Then as I lay sick in bed thinking how great my husband is doing at remaining calm & reasonable my son yells "you're not my dad!" He knows that his biological dad gave his rights away & my husband adopted him when he was 4 yrs old. He knows wh his biological father is & ahs seen him when visiting his grandmother. He knows that we do not like his biological father but we have spared him the reasons. He has said this before I believe out of desperation & anger. He knows that this is the most hurtful thing he can say & I know he loves him. SO my question is how do I get my son to understand exactly how hurtful this is & get him to stop saying it. I told him that he would be grounded for a month but I know that is not really reasonable esp since his birthday is coming up. I thought about making him write an essay about thinking before speaking or hurting others' feelings but the whole thing started because of an essay. I have tried everything else in the past & don't know what to do now, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

As a step child myself all I can say is give him time. Punishing him for what he said will only make the resentment worse. Maybe try talking to him about his bio dad. Kids that young are smarter than we think and he may know some of the reasons that you are protecting him from already. Try him on some of the gentler reasons and judge from there. I really feel for your situation. It will get better with time. As for your husband, he sounds like a great guy and he will win him over for good someday if he keeps trying. Give him a big hug and tell him not to give up. My step-dad didn't and I wouldn't trade him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lilpunkin78

We have been having problems on and off with my son for a while now. Last week he missed the entire week of school because he was sick, so now he has a week's worth of work to make up. He's in the 3rd grade & makes good grades. His teacher doesn't seem to have any problems with him at school. We always have problems getting him to do his homework, he will say "why do I have to do homework I already did it at school", or "I don't need to do homework if I understand it". Anyway, this evening my husband was trying to get my son to do an essay that was part of the make-up homework. We know that he can do the essay and I had even given him some ideas to get it going but he flat out refused. My husband tried really hard to talk calmly to him & find out why he didn't want to do the essay & explain that regardless it was assigned and he has to do it. Then as I lay sick in bed thinking how great my husband is doing at remaining calm & reasonable my son yells "you're not my dad!" He knows that his biological dad gave his rights away & my husband adopted him when he was 4 yrs old. He knows wh his biological father is & ahs seen him when visiting his grandmother. He knows that we do not like his biological father but we have spared him the reasons. He has said this before I believe out of desperation & anger. He knows that this is the most hurtful thing he can say & I know he loves him. SO my question is how do I get my son to understand exactly how hurtful this is & get him to stop saying it. I told him that he would be grounded for a month but I knw that is not really reasonable esp since his birthday is comming up. I thought about making him write an essay about thinking before speaking or hurting others' feelings but the whole thing started because of an essay. I have tried everything else in the past & don't know what to do now, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Kids can say the damdess things but try no to take it to heart... if your husband was his biological father, your son probably would just say something different that was just as hurtful... but in the end he probably felt just as bad about saying it...
I have a great relationship with my sons , but some of the things they say when their in a mood would make your jaw drop.Especially when I have to get my 4th grader to do his h.w.(I usually have 2 share the duty with my wife so we won't lose focus or our tempers).he can be a handful at times ,but that's what MOMS AND DADS have to do(then tuck them in and tell them how much you love them... in the end your son is just giving his dad a hard time.. his real dad the one that's there for him...
I don't know if this helps but I figured id post it since I go through similair problems and they
Are FATHER SON problems...
But I would always point out that he chose to be his dad , he loves and protects him, he's there for him, and hopefully hell stop the comment. Good luck god bless

Oh how many times has a kid said "I hate you" and you can't say it back? It'll mess him up to take any sort of retribution on him, punishment or not. Explaining that it wasn't appropriate and maybe turning the tables will help; kids can't really see things from other peoples perspective until they're well into their teens.

Try this: "When you want to play, and he doesn't want to play because he's tired, how would you feel if he said "You're not my son"?" That'll hit it home. Explain that fathers are who raise you and love you and care about you writing an essay.

I have also been known to spew those dreaded words. It is very possible that he did it unentintionally. Unfortunately this is not your battle, it's you husbands. You should not punish him for that comment... yet... the child feels somewhat abandoned, and by you punishing him, he only feels more alone and misunderstood. You're husband, should sit him down and tell your son that he understands why he said that, but that he would like to tell him how it made him feel. It is very important that your husband explains that although he is now LEGALLY his father, that he knows that he can never replace the space for he holds for his real dad. He should also include that he hopes that they can work on a special relationship between the two of them. Your husband needs to earn his role/trust. It may take a lot of time. At first, there was NOTHING my stepmother could do, but no matter what she was always there for me. Eventually I saw that, it just took persistence on her part, and growth on mine. Just remember to ALWAYS back up your husband or his word will mean NOTHING to your son.

My daughter does the same thing to me during homework. I was just telling my husband how peaceful our evenings would be if we didn't have to deal with homework. One 10 minute assignment literally takes my daughter 1 hour to complete because of the procrastinating and complaining. So I feel for you, I really do.
One thing that I do to get the point across to my daughter that she's being hurtful (she's 6) is to point it out right then.
When I'm trying to help her with her home work and she starts saying "I hate you" and "I hate my life" stuff, I just say (sounding sad), "OK then, I guess you don't want help from someone you hate, so you can do your homework by yourself" and then I walk away and go about my business. Sometimes it takes longer than others, but eventually she brings me her paper so that I can check it or help her with it.
Before I check it or help her, I explain that she hurt my feelings by saying that she hates me and hates her life because I love her so much and try very hard to give her a nice life. I ask her how would it make her feel if I were to tell her that I hated her, then I say, "it wouldn't feel good...would it?".
Something that she does now that she didn't do in the past is offer an apology all on her own when she brings me the homework because she realizes now that it hurts my feelings.
My little "you hurt my feelings" speech doesn't stop her from expressing her frustrations by shouting at me, but it has made her realize how hurtful her words are.
Maybe this technique (if you want to call it that) will help your situation a little. It probably won't stop the outbursts because it hasn't stopped my daughters, but it has helped her realize the hurtfulness of it all.
I'm hoping that by getting her to realize it now, even though it's after the fact, will help her when she gets older to realize it before the fact so that she can refrain herself from saying it at all. I guess only time will tell on that one though.
Good luck,
Kae