Hey, I was in a relationship for 9 years and recently it ended due to some stupid decissions I made over the last 9 years.. even after she talked to me about the issues I continued to do them.. anyway, we have been separated for 4 months now and when we broke up we were still in love and continued to talk on a regular basis hoping to fix and resolve thing... she now feels that we cannot continue this way and we cannot be together right now because she isn't sure if she is the only person I want to be with.. anyway, she recently wrote me and says that she wants to stop all communication for a while and see where it leads us.. this scares me because I don't know what is going to happen and I really do love her and don't want to completely loose here... she is open to other ideas but we have to do something different... inorder to move on either together or apart.. any help or ideas would be great..

Thanks

Well sadly she is right. You two do need to stop all communication and begin your healing.

This is a tough time. 9 years is a long time and it won't be easy. Don't kid yourself otherwise. It will be hard, it will be scary and it will be lonely.

But it does get better if you do the right things. The first step is cutting all contact. This must be done. You can't begin to move on and heal if you stay in contact. It just isn't possible. There are lots of stories here that will justify this. People only being to heal once contact is cut.

You then must treat yourself good. It is a sad time and you must realise that you are going to hurt. But you can't let it stop you living. Don't just sit at home crying all the time. A lot of people, myself included, found exercise as great outlet. You can get rid of some built up emotions, feel better about yourself and get healthy all at the same time. So join a gym (great place to meet new friends), go on some long runs, anything you can to get out of the house to stop moping. Eating well is also a good idea. No drinking either. It won't help.

Make sure you lean on your friends and family too. They will be there to help. Talk to them about how your feeling and surround yourself with people that can help you. Don't sit alone moping. That will get you no where.

Look 9 years is a long time. I was in a similar situation to yours not long ago. Please read my first thread. It is tough and a big adjustment to your life. You must now accept that it is over and learn your lessons. You said you made mistakes well now is the time to work on yourself to ensure they never happen again.

You can't keep hanging on to something that is broken. It wll only get more broken and the pain will be worse.

So please cut contact and work on yourself.

Stick around here and read the lots of stories like yours and get advice from heaps of great people!

Good luck!

I'm sort of confused.. I did mention that we still love each other, and she does still want to be with me, and I still want to be with her.. the problem is, that she doesn't know if she can give me her heart again and take the chance that I won't make the same mistakes again.. she says that time apart or not talking will help her make that choice... is it still a good idea.. I was thinking that we could maybe just limit the amount we talk.. or something.. I don't know. I'm just lost..

What were your mistakes?

Your sort of confused? Sounds like she is too.

She loves you but she can't be with you? Huh... what's that mean??

You must have made some mistakes that she obviously has trouble forgiving you for. This love she talks about having for you must not be enough to outweigh the lack of trust and faith she has in you due to previous errors.

Without trust there is no relationship.

If you have told her how much you love and her and that you won't make the same mistakes again and she still can't trust you then I'm sorry to say but the relationship is dead in the water. It will go nowhere!

It appears to me that she probably does love you. Of course she is going to have some feelings for someone she spent 9 years with. But obviously her love isn't as deep as it once was. Obviously she doesn't love you as much as you love her. And if you think she does then your just in denial!

She seems to be having a lot of trouble simply breaking off with you. As one would after 9 years.

First it was limited contact and separation, then it was breaking up, now she wants no contact at all. Can you see the trend here? She is slowly removing you from her life.

What id suggest to you is follow her lead and begin to accept that it is most likely over. At the very least respect her wishes and leave her alone. It sounds as though communication hasn't saved this thing, so more talking won't do the job.

Perhaps you both need some time along to assess what you want and where you are headed. You won't do this by staying in contact, begging and pleading.

I may have been premature in my last post citing things to do when trying to move on from someone, but you have to forgive me because your post is all to familiar and it is fairly clear that there isn't much left here and the end is near!

It is then you must accept it like a man, learn from it and begin to heal and move on!

Good luck!

The communication does need to stop as agreed with Skell because you both need to heal and chose what you want in your lives. She may still love you of course its hard not to love someone when you have spent 9 years with them. I know this and a lot of other people here know this. But she doesn't trust you for a reason and until she knows she can trust you there will be nothing for your relationship. She will not want to be with you until she knows you know what you have done has hurt her badly and she wants you to realize this and make up for that. But you need to do what she requests, no communication means no communication.
Yes its going to be difficult but honestly that's what your friends and family are for. It will be hard and difficult for a long time but you will make it through it. Be positive

You guys are great.. thanks for the advice... maybe your right and time is what is needed.. oh to answer your question about what I did... disrespected her, her family and friends, disregarded her feeling and most of all... I paid attention to other younger girls.. although nothing ever happened and I'm fully honest.. that's where the trust issue comes in.. It always looked like there were intention... the other aspect to all of this is her family is a big influence and they all tell her to leave and don't look back... anyway, thanks again.

Give her what she wants, but don't just sit wasting the time as now would be a perfect time to work on your issues and they do sound BIG. Get busy building a life without her and see to it you stay busy and not pressure her in any way no matter what. I know easier said than done, but you need to get healthy and deal with your demons.