Ask Me Help Desk - Boyfriend gets attached to fast? Please read!

I'm 20 and my boyfriend is 23. We have been in a long distant relationship for 8 months, and then we started dating for 3 months. During those months he's been demonstrating jealousy, and short fused temper. Because I have a best friend that I have known for 5 years, and likes me. But I assured my boyfriend that there's nothing going on, and that he doesn't need to worry because I don't like him.

My bf's last relationship cheated on him, and he spent the months after that dealing with it the wrong way. Drinking so he can numb the pain, and being depressed. Then I met him online, and we hit it off. He says that he's never met a person like me. Good, nice, that appreciates him, and likes him, for him. He says that its fate that we met.

But like I said we started dating, and problems started to arise because of his jealousy, and anger. Its not an extreme case of jealousy, or anger, but I feel that it could get worse over time, if he doesn't change. Before when we were dating, I didn't know he was a person like this until it happened. He says its because he hides it well, but he didn't for long because it happened anyway.

So I felt unhappy with him, because of those traits that he has, and has shown me. That's not something I would want to see in someone I really like. So I talked to my parents, and they gave me advice to leave him, or to take a break to see if he can change, and I agreed.

I told my boyfriend about it, and he got very upset at the idea, because he says he did nothing wrong, that was really bad. But to me it was because I fear that it would get worse. I explained that to him, and he says that its not going to get worse, and he's willing to change for me, but I'm not sure if he really would because if he didn't before, why would he change now, just to see me happy?

He even says that he loves me, and that concerns me a little because its only been 3 months, and he's already attached to me very easily cause of the reason he has said before. He says he would rather die then not be with me. When I told him to do this break, he was begging me not to do it, and that he couldn't handle doing that.

He says all he wanted was a girl that liked him for him. I understand, but its too soon for him to be having those feelings so strongly, when we haven't made a year. I also fear continuing this relationship knowing that.

I don't know why he's like this? Am I making a good decision taking this break? How can I deal with someone who so emotionally attach to me like he is?

You made the decision you had to for yourself, so don't second guess what you want, and just stick to it.

You sound far more mature than him.

The traits and characteristics you mentioned about your boyfriend are red flags, and instinct is telling you that you are uncomfortable with what you are seeing in his behaviour. It isn't trivial that he displays jealousy and a temper- two basic ingredients that go along with a controlling person.

If he recognizes that he needs to change (for you) as he said, then he is not seeing that the problem he has is change- for himself. As he said himself, he hides that side of his personality that shows the jealous and angry side to him. He will likely just try harder to be who he thinks you want him to be, but without help, he will eventually show those characteristics again.

Your parents gave you good advice, and even without their advice, I get the impression that you are thinking clearly and seeing things exactly as you've stated. My advice to you is to carry through to end the relationship.

This also has to do with my first question but my boyfriend has told me that he loves me and we have only been in a relationship for 3 months.

He says that he gets attached fast and that's the way he is.

Is it really the way he is? Or is it a much deeper issue?

I'm a little concerned about this...

This is a case you take him at his word but there may be some deeper issues that make him the way he is. Don't speculate though, unless you are a mind reader, a psychic, or a psychologist.

It will drive you crazy, and you could be way off.

Threads merged

When a guy tells you that you are not ready for a relationship after you break up with them for whatever reason, stupid or not. Is that fault finding because he got his heart broken, or does he know that I am really not ready?

He is just stroking his own ego by shifting the blame for the break up to YOU. It relieves his guilt, or covers his own flaws in his own mind.

Threads merged

I wanted to know if it's a good idea to be in a relationship with someone who has insecurities?
Lets say you date a person and later on you find out that he/she developes jelousy over your best friend because your best friend has feelings for you. Would you be with them even though it might ruin the relationship in the long-run? Even if you tell this guy/girl you are with that there is nothing to worry about because you are faithful but he/she still doesn't trust your best friend because he/she may assume things and overthink things, then is it a good idea to continue being with them? What does this say about guy/girl?

This is pretty much hypothetical since I've heard stories from my friends a few times.

Also lets say the person you are with has been cheated on in the past and now that he/she is with you, is it possible that they can become insecure or jealous by what happened to them?

Would you help the person you are with that have these personal issues or, should this person fix themselves so that they can be secure with themselves before going to a relationship?

First off, I doubt getting serious with anyone I was just casually dating who as time went by didn't like my friends, or was jealous of the time I spent with them. Truth be told, I think seeing my date interact with my friends, and my lifestyle would be a reason to want to see them more, or less if it didn't work well. I don't even consider overly insecure, or jealous people, serious relationship partners to be honest, maybe casual friends for casual dating, but who needs that conflict chaos, or drama. Now its one thing to be insecure, or jealous, and another to act out, or be inappropriate about it. I can give those who work hard to overcome their fears and insecurities a lot of respect. So I guess it would come down to how they handled themselves in those situations.

Personally, if a big deal was made of me having drop dead gorgeous female best friends, I doubt seriously if such a relationship would go very far. Yeah, if they were to insecure, though, and it caused problems, and they handle it in what I consider a lousy way, that relationship would never get started. Not romantically any way. Hard to commit to someone that didn't like such a big part of my life.

But then again, I learned the hard way to know exactly who I was giving my heart to, and made sure they knew what to do with it. Past experience makes you cautious, and pragmatic that way.

As to best friends having feelings for you, that is a reason to look at the best friend, isn't it? It may not be healthy having best friends who had a motive other than friendship to be such a big part of your life because there are always boundaries of respectful behavior that must never be crossed. Best friends mean mutual respect, and indeed that something to be handled in appropriate honest ways, and having romantic notions for a best friend may be fine in fantasy world, but not in the real world. Why even lead on such a friend? And what do you do with a partner that doesn't trust YOU, no matter what, because of his own fears? That a major red flag that needs to be addressed. OR run from very quickly.

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Also lets say the person you are with has been cheated on in the past and now that he/she is with you, is it possible that they can become insecure or jealous by what happened to them?

Again we have to go back to how a person deals with their own issues, and those he has experienced in the past. If anyone has not dealt with them and gotten over them, then maybe they are not healthy enough to even be in a relationship. If their past cause problems now, then you can bet they just ain't ready.

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Would you help the person you are with that have these personal issues or, should this person fix themselves so that they can be secure with themselves before going to a relationship?

In the perfect world its ideal if people dealt with their own issues before getting others caught up in them. If you mean reassuring them that their fears are groundless, then I can go along with that. But if you mean allowing bad behavior, NO WAY! If a word cannot be sufficient to help them understand, then they are on their own when they start the drama, chaos, and conflict crap.

I draw a line when accusations, name calling, or bad behavior, starts rearing its ugly head. When there is no trust, there is no partnership. When there is no communication, there is no partnership. Not a healthy adult one any way, and I say that because some people are perfectly happy in dysfunctional, chaotic, drama filled, or unhealthy relationships. I am NOT, and never have been.

How about YOU?? What are your own boundaries of good behavior??

Regarding my last questions, should I help a person that is supposibly jealous over a best friend of mine even though he said he was sorry about it and said to forgive him? Lately these issues have escalated somewhat when I told him that I go for walks with my best friend even before I was with my boyfriend. The reason why I say this is because my best friend has told me that he has feelings for me and I told my boyfriend because I'm honest and I don't want any drama if he found out another way. Even though my best friend respects me and wouldn't do anything.
But my boyfriend having been cheated on has gotten the accusation that my best friend is going to make a move. However I told him that he can trust me because my best friend told me this and I'm faithful. But it seems that he overthink things and still assumes something. One night I just told him I was going to be right back in text and he said OK and I went for my walk. And I stayed out a bit longer than intended and all of the sudden he textes me saying "having fun on your date lol". Which I replied no and he got very upset and jelous over it. This is just one situation. There was another where I invited him over to my house with my best friend and another best friend of mine. And my boyfriend was getting uneasy just because my best friend was sitting next to me. I even told my boyfriend to sit next to me on the other side but he didn't want too. He was sitting next to me but on something else not where I was. And it got to a point that he said "brb" and he got up and just left. After all my friends left he told me how angry he was at the fact that my best friends intentions even though there aren't any. This was the last straw for me and we broke up later. Regardless of the apologies and him even writing a 5 page letter to me basically saying the same thing. I didn't feel like he deserve another chance. To me it became ridiculous because there was no reason for him to act that way when I am faithful because I picked him for a reason. He says that if I cared about him that I would forgive him and work out the issues and problems we would have as a couple. But the issues come from him not me. I broke up with him because he needs to fix himself as a person because I fear that if we were back together he might start again if not with my best friend with someone else eventually. That's what I fear. Iam not a nurse to be helping him with those issues we haven't been together for that long and he has those issues because his past girlfriend cheated on him. He says that I'm making it a big deal because I haven't gone through this type of situation. After we broke up he said that I wasn't ready to be in a relationship and that I have to mature a lot because what I did to him (braking up with him) was so bad that he doesn't want to see me again. He said I hurt him more than his ex (who cheated on him) and he kept asking for a ring he gave me as a gift back saying it wasn't meant for me.

No need to keep starting new questions about the same guy, and just keep getting them all merged. People will respond as they come online.

As to your question, since you are broken up, then let the fellow go and leave him alone, so he can work on his own issues, and give him his ring back and be done with it, rather than keep going through the same thing over and over again, and making his problems yours. No you CANNOT help him, no matter how much you reassure him, or how much you talk to him. Its his problem to solve, so let him.

Threads merged

Lets say if a best friend of mine likes me, but I'm dating someone and my boyfriend gets jealous? Even though I'm with my boyfriend and have no interest in my best friend at all? Boyfriend gets jealous because he doesn't want to loose me. Is he insecure? Should he be in a relationship if he's afraid of losing me when I'm telling him that I'm faithful?

You have two issues here I think, one is you hang with a friend that likes you, and the other is a boyfriend that's insecure, and rightfully so, that you are hanging with a guy that likes you. Even being a faithful person, and friendly, its kind of off to encourage another who you know has feelings for you. Friends or not, that person wants more. You know that, and he knows that, and your boyfriend knows that too.

One would hope, that you would not just think being friendly with such a friend is okay, and you would out of fairness keep a respectful distance between you so as not to have your intentions misunderstood, or have a conflict between you and your fellow.

I mean how would you feel if your guy was spending time hanging out with a female you KNEW wanted to get with him? Whether you trusted him or not, or believed him to be faithful, you still would not trust HER intentions or motives, and wouldn't want them even innocently hanging out, especially not without you.

Even the most trusting would be a bit insecure under those circumstances, wouldn't they?

I'm very happy that you have helped me with my situation. I feel that the decision I made was mature in my opinion and no I did not ever encourage my best friend while I was with my ex or when I was alone with my best friend. He was being really paranoid and even selfish and I rather be with someone that can trust me and not be afraid to loose me. I do admit that if the situation was reverse I would feel insecure too. But I would have dealt with it as mature as possible. But that's just me

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Quote from PM, by lovelady25;
I'm very happy that you have helped me with my situation. I feel that the decision I made was mature in my opinion and no I did not ever encourage my best friend while I was with my ex or when I was alone with my best friend. He was being really paranoid and even selfish and I rather be with someone that can trust me and not be afraid to loose me. I do admit that if the situation was reverse I would feel insecure too. But I would have dealt with it as mature as possible. But that's just me

Just curious, how would you handle your insecurity if your boyfriend was hanging out with a girl whom you knew liked him, and wanted to get with him?

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I would have told him how I felt about it. I would tell him that I trust him not to encourage her behavior and that if anything happened between them that I would simply break it off. But with him its like he just assumed just cause he was sitting next to me a bit close but nothing more.

I think you do well letting him deal with his issues on his own. Maybe he will, maybe he won't, but its his problem to deal with.

Yea I do too. Even though I'm not as experienced as he is in relationships I think it was better that I broke it off. Simply because I knew that I was not happy and that in the long run its not going end well. So I rather not go through it than going through with it and not know what to do in that situation. Really I was thinking about me and him.