Hi guys,
Coming here because I'm confused in different ways. My story goes thus:

Met this girl through a friend. Kind of despise this friend or he annoys me greatly these days. Thing is, this girl and him, were both having an affair, ****buddies. He would tell me how he's done this, done that etc. Say things about this girl and what they did, that would make me say "WOW" etc. Mostly so he'd sound cool, I later realised, I know him. But nevertheless, they have done some stuff like he says.
Anyway, he says one day he had this girl, he could get her to have sex with me, we got introduced, the girl and I had sex, then we spoke privately (the girl and I) and then I realised, she has no experience (she says), that's why she was just having sex with him (to get experience). Knowing the guy was a jerk, told her to go home and I vowed to give her the experience she wanted, be good to her, "open her eyes", while I get to "release" regularly, saw it as a mutual thing. The idea of another guy taking advantage of her again didn't sit well in my mind (maybe this was my first mistake, dunno). Anyway she didn't go home. Instead she went back and had sex with the guy (which annoyed me, but happened to be the last time she did anything with him. Was I the reason she stopped seeing him? I don't know), which pissed me off. He would always say, "I guess onne mans trash is another mans' treasure". I'd laugh with anger and a little disgust.
So, met up with her on a regular basis, we spoke, got to know her really well etc. We were friends, good friends. Was happy with the way things were. Then she asked me out, when she did I was shocked, couldn't move for a second. Thoughts racing through my head, thoughts like "do I really want this", "she's really perfect", "the kind of girl I want", "everything I could ask for", "but this guy I know has shagged her, has been there". So wasn't sure, felt if I disagreed, I could be making a huge mistake and if I agreed, I could be making another huge mistake. So I chose the later, I said 'sure' (not sure if this really was another mistake). She pointed out that "how we met, was not exactly the best way people meet", I agreed. But then I convinced her that it's cool, "**** happens". So we've been at it for years now, ups and down, but that's normal, right? But must say, up most of the time. I grew really fond of her, liked her enormously. Amazed of how she's changed right before my eyes. Grown up, more confident, experienced etc. Really happy when I thought in this direction. Us having a house etc, made me equally happy too. But then, when things started to get reaaally serious, years down the line, I started to have stupid thoughts of the past. Of how she's been with this guy (friend of mine I initially spoke of) etc. To the extent that, when I watch porn. I sometimes wonder, is this is how the guy was with the girl I want to call my wife? (I know this is stupid, but it just comes up). I ask her in a tricky, sneaky way. She says "no way", "far from it" etc. But then to some questions she answers that "yes, they did do this and that. Then the thought/possibility of this guy saying "I've ****ed your wife" etc, if we happen to get into arguments in the future, down the line comes up in my mind. Now, I haven't spoken to the dude for a while now.
So, of recent (approx. 3 months ago) I had to travel back to the states, so we're doing a long distance relationship. And now we thinking marriage (well she is mostly). But the initial marriage would just be a way for me to be with her etc (since I'm not an Australian citizen). Suddenly, I started to think more about the past etc. Thinking what am I doing? Am I doing the right thing? Thinking so because, marriage is marriage. If I do this, this is big. Even though for now we seeing it as a way for us to be together. Still it's marriage.

Guess the question now is : Am I just being flat out childish? Or is this normal at all.
Would any of you go out (be it a guy or a girl) with somenone your friend has been with?

Really hope I won't be judged with this post.

Appreciate all replies.
Thanks

Listen... I'm in no way going to give you the right or wrong answer, I only have my own experience to go on. You can keep incorporate it with your own conclusion, or ignore it.

I was always the kind of guy to treat women better than other guys, aside from the impression most girls had of me. I always stood out, and my older sisters had plenty of older friends that were friendly. You get it right? Anyway, I did preach the whole "G's up h03s down" but if I really liked a girl, I was always the nice guy. I even had a girl that I dated, call me a year later, asking me to be her first. According to her, all the times she came over to my house, she prayed that I would make a move. But I've always needed women to show more interest for me before I assume she's got plans for me. I didn't haven't had that many serious relationships, but I can't say I haven't been involved with every woman I was genuinely attracted to. Needless to say, my dating habits were very reserved and had high standards. I had no desire to be with any female that had a serious or long intimate relationship with another guy. I would never date a woman with kids, and most certainly would never consider breaking those two rules. Not too much to ask for I thought, considering I treat women better than most guys. Well I didn't plan on my attraction for older women to be the reason I broke all my rules, and then some. She was 5 years older, had 3 kids, worked at the same place, and was married. She was one of the best looking women at work. When she began going out of her way to locate me at work and email me, all the guys thought I was the man. If I could get with this one, I would have an infinite amount of cool points. I did welcome a challenge, but I was only interested in having the option. Never to be with her. But we got along great, and she treated me the way I treated women.I did resist the temptation, by asking about her family and keeping the conversation conservative. But she never wanted to discuss any of that. Thinking back, she didn't want to establish that kind of friendship and jeopardize any chances of becoming lovers. I went against my better judgement and allowed her to seduce me. It started as an adventure at work, making out in secret places and meeting up in secrecy. I never thought I would go further with it, but we ended up having an affair. She told me how her husband had cheated on her with 9 different women and, how their marriage was a prison for her since. I should have known better, she spoke so foul of him and I never really wanted to hurt her, but in finding this out, I was disgusted. How could I have been with a woman, who's husband had slept around so much, he lost track of names. I did move passed it. But then we became serious. She divorced him to be with me, and then we moved in together and we got married. To her kids, I was daddy. But then the ex would come around for visitation. I can't tell you how physically sick this made me. Even of her. I have viewed porn, but when I have its just a momentary lust for what I would otherwise like a say in the matter. This woman, had way too much history of fighting over money, manipulating her kids, and playing the victim to everyone and all our friends. The way she spoke of her ex, is the way she began referring to me. I though that all her friends disliked the guy because he was a chump. Now I realized, it was her all along. I can't tell you that you are in any way at risk for any of that. But I would never again consider being with a female, who was back and for with another man, even if she made me feel special by choosing me in the end. All that tells me is that some women stick around until something more convenient comes along. She still wants to get back with me and sends me flowers, gifts, and even bough me a brand new laptop with all the bells and whistles behind my back, so I would feel bad not to take it. She had already spent the money, so I took it, only if she let me pay her for it.Wasn't this the same woman that fought so much about money? All of a sudden "my kids" want to see me, when before I was nobody. All I can advise from my experience is that women with prior relationships that they ended for you, may be true, but it may indicate emotional instability. Proceed with caution. Good luck.

This is going to sound harsh:

How old are both of you? How long has this been going on? Do you love her? In all of this, you do not say, 'I love her.'

Isn't it a bit hypocritical to hold her past against her when it is what brought you together?

It doesn't matter who she has been with in the past. It doesn't matter what they did together. Being sly and sneaky about trying to get details out of her is extremely unhealthy in a relationship. It says you don't trust her and think she is lying. It also says you are going to control where her personal boundaries are. She may be having sex with you and wants to marry you, but she does not have to give up her personal space to satisfy your curiosity and insecurity.

She shouldn't feel like she has to tell you anything about what they did and you shouldn't be comparing details of what a poor excuse of a male told you with what she does tell you. Would you want her asking for every detail of what you have done in the past, finding the females involved and comparing notes about you?

He was an jerk out for his own pleasure and obviously didn't care about her as anything more than a hot body to replace his hand. Sounds like that's what you thought too when you first became involved with her.

You say that she has matured. Have you? Why are you thinking about her with him while watching porn? Why not think about her with you?

Do you enjoy being with her when sex isn't involved? Is she more to you than a hot body to have sex with?

You say there have been ups and downs in the relationship. Are you focusing on sex as a way to ignore any warning signs those ups and downs might have exposed?

Do you want to get married or are you letting her think you do as a way to keep her in your life? I think you need to be honest with yourself about what you want in the relationship and where you really want it to go. If you want the house and children and you love her, then the past is the past. It doesn't matter if she was the porn star the jerk tried to make her out to be. What matters is how you feel about each other.

HEY CAT 1864, what can you tell me about my situation? She still tries everything to get back with me, but has nothing good to say about me to anyone including my family. I don't understand why she badmouths me behind my back, yet she does nothing but plea for another chance and forgiveness. I don't have anything to forgive. I have concluded that we are not compatible. We did the marriage counseling as her idea, but after 10 sessions she refused to continue. Just because the Dr. agreed with me once. Now she's claiming the whole Christianity thing, and assures me that she sees how wrong she was, but trying to stay friends only brings out her true clors when she doesn't get her way. I have seen my darkest hours by her side. If she really cared about me, she would try so hard to have the world turn their backs on me just so she could be the one to save the day, but never does. She only tries to take what little I have left in self worth. Talk to me.

I may consider her since she sounds more used and controlled by you.

For her I actually would wish she may move on and find someone that may actually love and respect her.

I don't see or hear you saying either of those, beyond fun sex what do you have.

Actually, I'm not too good at speaking well for myself... but I did endure physical abuse by this woman.Something I never thought I would experience with a woman who would supposedly "ride or die" for me. When she was pregnant with our child, she would make it very clear that I was over protective of her and that my constant efforts to care for her were undesired. I do understand that the hormones can cause emotional unbalance in expecting mothers, but as soon as I gave her the space she so needed, she became more hurtful with her general co-existence with me. She wanted to leave a few days before her due date, and promised to do everything in her power to induce labor and have our child early so that I would miss out. And that he would not carry my last name. Then she asked me how I was even sure if I was the father. I would literally get on my knees and beg her not to leave if she ever got angry with me, but she would wait for me to be at work and disappear. She would take the car seats out of the brand new 2010 Ford Expedition that I traded my little Honda for, so that we and her 3 other kids can all fit together when the baby came along. I would constantly text her to bring the kids back home and let them sleep in their beds. I told her if she felt so strongly about avoiding me, then I would leave. But she never cared about what the kids were going through. All our friends and co-workers had her side of the story and could not believe how I could be so cruel to kick her and all the kids out and have them sleeping in motels or cramped up all in one room at a friends house. But she always made sure to call me from time to time, and stop by the house and try to be intimate with her. I tried to please her most of the time, but I couldn't get passed the trauma of living alone in a huge empty house filled with everything that reminded me of her and the kids. After about the third time she left me, I told her that I could not keep forming that bond just to have it destroyed again. I told her if she left, I would not be waiting for her and abandon that house that made me so depressed. I bought that house 20 years old. Brand new built in 07 and I had decent credit, and a Federal job. Combat veteran, and proud of my accomplishments. I was dedicated in martial art, running, swimming, lifting weights, and training other C.O.'s who for some reason thought me to be a personal trainer. Soon the gym was her problem. Then I gave up paying for all my other activities, so that I could help her pay for child care and make payments for new furniture. She hassled me to close out my Pacific Marine account which I loved and had been with for almost 6 years, because she had trust issues. I had to join up with about 4 different accounts that she would open and then abandon every time we got into it. Being the "sole owner" of the accounts, I never had access to her money nor did I care. But she kept tabs on me for every dime spent. Everything we put into that house, had to be opened in a line of credit in my name because according to her, she and her ex had let go of some stuff. I got so tired of hearing about "money this" and "money that" that eventually I took over all the expenses. MORTGAGE, DAYCARE, UTILITIES, CAR PAYMENTS, INSURANCE, CELL PHONES, GROCERIES, you name it. I did this for almost a year. I was so broke, I had to keep pulling out cash advances just to cover overdraft fees. I was too embarrassed to ask her to help me out, since all she ranted about was money. Funny thing is, when we met, she told me how her ex would spend a dime on his kids and always flipped out if she spent anything. But he had a bike, lifted Superduty truck and a customized computer with all the bells and whistles. The first time I brought my son over to stay the weekend with us, I drove 3 hours to pick him up, 3 hours back and he wasn't feeling well. I pulled into a gas station to change his clothes which he vomited on. I literally wept to see my boy ill and still trying to crack a smile for me. I had it in me to baby him and protect him, I admit I was very emotional that day for some reason. When I got there, I took him up to the tub to bathe him and she started following me around the house and yapping about how I was encouraging him to continue playing the part. I let it go for a bit, but eventually I became furious and challenged her for treating my boy like that, when I played with her kids, cooked for them, cleaned up after them, bathed them, took them to school, went to all their school events, left work early to take them to appointments, and urgent care at times, and even bid for weekdays off so I could stay home with them to save on 2 days of child care. This must have hit a nerve because she slapped me in front of my boy. He kept asking if I was OK. I drove him 3 hours back, and drove half way and stayed in a hotel. Come tax time, she kept the full return which was about 9k. I didn't care, as long as she and the kids were OK. But she told everyone how I was always over drafting, pulling out cash advances and giving my ex money every time she wanted it. I did put my foot down after a year of her complaining about sending my son cloths and toys to count for his birthday and Christmas. I told her that if she couldn't bare it, than she had the option to leave. But I would die hungry before I gave up my responsibilities to my own flesh and blood. She did lay off for a few months, then she asked me to write him off forever and forget about him. IS THIS ENOUGH OR SHOULD I GO ON? THERE IS ABOUT 4 TIMES MORE... I never said I didn't love her or that I was blameless. But I am currently living in hotels, over drafted and letting living day to day not knowing what will be of tomorrow. I leave it in his hands. Don't worry I won't "preach." I'm just trying to pick up the pieces. But she keeps trying to come back in and when we do start being friends, I just get kicked while I'm down already. You tell me where I went wrong... I must have done something. Am I just blind to everything? Did I miss something? I'm feeling so guilty for even being here. I almost drove to the nearest base and turned in my Dress Blues... I didn't feel I deserved it. Lucky for me, I found my Devil Dogs that I served in Iraq with, and they assured me that I was a hero to them. A friend of mine who lost his leg thanked me for getting him to safety when the convoy left us behind. I got lost in the city and we were getting shot at from all directions. I almost gave up, but someone told me to push forward. I was able to find my way and get him out of there, and home to see his baby girl be born. I can't tell you how close I came to taking my life when thought I had nothing to give anyone. All she had to say every time we fought is,"why don't you go kill yourself?" or "are my children safe" Judge me if you will, but not before you hear me out.

Hool1gan, if you want help for your issues, please start your own thread instead of taking over another person's.

When you start your own thread, please use paragraphs to make it easier to read your story. It is very easy to get lost when reading a block of text.

Thank you.

Sorry about that. Got carried away I suppose. Need2knowthks, I didn't mean to take over, hope you aren't more confused than before.

@Cat1864
I thank you sooo much for your reply. I do love her, really do. Just got a little frustrated and into it when writing the post. Asides sex, definitely enjoy each others company. Addicted to her, so addicted. That's the only thing I wish I could change, she really is close to perfect. Scared if I leave her, don't think I'd find another like her. Just wish I could go back in time and be the person to approach her, prevent all this from happening. But I thank you for you reply. It made sense. Wanted to know if I'm been over the top with the whole thing.

@Hool1gan
From reading your second post. I think you should speak to her to be honest. Let her know that speaking bad things about you ain't good. Heard of girls doing this, painting their men as the villain and them as the victim. Guess it's a way for them to feel cared by others, if I'm making myself clear. But do speak to her. Arguing won't solve it at all. She obviously still cares for you, hence the gifts. Take them and go back. You two make a pact, you'd be surprised at the result.
It helps to communicate, really communicate. Hope I helped in someway?

@Fr_chuck
Wasn't sure if your post was directed to me or Hool1Gan. Thanks

I would like nothing more than to be the friend she hasn't had with her past two marriages. I just can't trust her. Right now, my family which I grew apart from (as we mainly spend time with hers) is here for me now that I'm struggling. If she was genuinely interested in me and not my TSP refund, she wouldn't lie to them behind my back about asking her for money and all the stuff she tries to give me.

I'm sorry, but I don't like women buying me everything. I would be much more grateful if she could just be a friend.

Something to think about: If you did go back in time and change even slightest detail, would she still be in your life today? Is that a risk you would be willing to take just to ease your mind about her past? You seem to be afraid of losing her in the present or future. So, why take the chance of changing the past only to run into ups and downs your relationship wouldn't survive?

You can't and shouldn't change the past, but you can change how you think about it. Instead of thinking about what you want to change, remember what you don't want to lose. Why waste energy on negative thoughts and emotions when you can remember how her skin feels when you hold her hand, the glow in her eyes when she smiles at you, how she laughs at your jokes, and all the other small details which add up like sands on a beach?

Do you want to be in the same place she is whether that is Australia or the US? Are you afraid it might not be possible? If you want a future with her, don't allow fear to create a wedge between you.