Hi, I recently lost my biological father to a heart attack, 6 days ago to be precise. My question is, is it wrong to not feel the "required" anguish that such a loss would require?

Ones reply to that question would probably have an overwhelmingly constant "YES" with regards that the fact that my biological father, being that exactly(My Biological Father),would go on the assumption that I would would have a physiological and emotional tie to him, of course he is my father no?

Unfortunately my father was someone who really did not have much to do in my life to this point as a father, as a father figure or even as someone who was truly interested in me as a person. Boohoo for me you say. Well truly I`m not looking for sympathy, indeed I`m not even looking for a like minded sigh or agreement from the millions of others that have been in my predicanment, merely a logical or reasonable assessment or even assumption as to why I would not feel an emotional loss to someone who is my own blood and kin.

Of course with any umm psychological assessment you need details of past and present situation so I will give you a limited but fair and truthful account of my relationship with said "Father"

My parents conceived me in the early stage of 1978, being birthed from staunch English/Australian parents my father was pressured by my mothers parents and quite notably his own to marry before my birth so I would not be a "Bastard" child. As a typical twenty something male he was quite flippant about the whole situation but after realising the situation he relented and gave in and married my mother before I was born. I might add that even though I mentioned pressure from his parents (the beautiful Nan and Pa that I cherish to this day) he was not in favour with them (well my Pa anyway) to the point that he was disowned and left to carry on without them. Whilst he took this on he decided that he would leave the family he was in the process of starting and vanish entirely. .

Thanks to my mother and his parents supporting me and my mama I can honestly say that I`m able to write this today.

I did not see my father for 18 years and it was only by chance that my Pa contracted a type of cancer that was terminal that he decided to make his presence on my life felt, albeit only from help from his mother, my Nana, that he was able to do so. My mother, not harbouring any more feeling for my father left it up to me to make my decision to meet him and decide how I was to go about this whole dilemma in my life.

I might add that if my Nana had not made contact with my Father then he almost certainly would not have known about my Pa`s condition and would have continued on in his existence not ever knowing the fate of his own Father.

Anyway, after 18 years of not knowing my father I was suddenly confronted with a man who had a lifetime of guilt,remorse and probably utter frustration trying to become my "Father" and I think in doing so assuage his own guilt in not being there ever for not only myself but his own family. His own blood.

I did try to make our relationship grow and perhaps I did try to accept him as my "Dad" but the simple fact remained that he was never there for me. He was never there when I needed him as a father to talk to,to give me direction in life when I needed it and to instill that sense of manhood that all males need to have given to them as a child/teen. Unfortunately for him and myself I imagine, I had to find out my own way and from the several men that my mother subsequently married or was involved with, a few of which I had little or no respect for and one or two who I saw the father figure that I wished to have but was never able to find due to my mothers typical feminine behavior of not my way,the highway... if you follow me.

I`m at a loss as to why I would not feel emotion at this loss of my father. A part of me wishes that I had known him but at the same time I really couldn't give a ****.

Even though we did share one thing, which was the fact that he did father another son. A Brother and Son who I and he lost tragically in a car accident five years ago to this very day (1.2.02). And I`m still broken up about that loss to this day.

I`m still trying to feel some empathy for this man, in truth empathy and sympathy for the rest of his married and extended family because even though I made my utmost effort to integrate into this family, he or they never extended the warmth and reception one would expect or even think one deserved due to their own close minded and up their arse attitude. This bar my beautiful Nana or Pa <HIS PARENTS>,who never turned their back or never didn't give a rats.

And that sucks big time, for as cold as I may sound, no one should have to bury their grandchildren and their own and only child which is what my Nana has and is having to do.

Maybe I`m just a freak, or perhaps there is an explanation for my woe or lack of it. Either way I`m looking for an explanation and I`m sure I could find it here. I`m wondering if I should have posted in the bereavement section or the relationships area... who knows eh.

Any thoughts would be appreciated. Any jibes or insults, well they most likely are deserved also. Just know that I know I`m not the only one who would have encountered this particular situation and in knowing this fact I can get along with life and know in my heart that I would never be the same parent my father was not for me.

McNuggy@LMC

It's not surprising to me that you don't feel much grief at your father's death; he gave you half your genes and very little else. You've already done your grieving for his loss over the course of your life thus far, so his death is sort of an anticlimax as far as loss goes. Absent fathers hardly ever realize the damage they do just by not being there, and fathers who are present often don't get the credit they deserve for hanging in there. Sometimes it feels like a thankless job, especially if the marriage is less than happy. Reading a story like yours helps to put it in perspective. Thanks, and I hope you get the chance to put the bitter lesson your father taught you into practice by being a present father.

First of all, feelings don't really respond to shoulds or shouldn't well at all. They are simply spontaneous and genuine expressions, even if they baffle or bemuse us sometimes.

You have experienced a loss however it is complicated by the lack of relationship you had and the difficult ambiguity of it all. Although I grew up with my biological father, it was a rough relationship that never worked, was on and off again until it was off for a long time when he died. What helped me was to start with a good definition of what I did lose -- foremost was the loss of hope that we would change it and make the story end differently. But in a way while sad, it was also a relief to me to finally give up hope too. And the next thing to be apparent in my strange grieving was the sadness about wishing I had had the kind of father I have seen other men be. Although I had been grieving that loss all along, there was a bit of the dam breaking on the last vestiges of it when my father actually died.

The bottom line I want you to consider is don't judge your feelings. And don't let others either but rather walk away when they start up with that stuff. Now actions, please, feel free to judge. But not feelings. We really are allowed to feel anytting at all we do or nothing at all. I don't hear you sounding a sociopath who lacks the ability to make emotional connections so be who you are and let your feelings off the hook.

I hope that was a perspective you find helpful.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

It's not surprising to me that you don't feel much grief at your father's death; he gave you half your genes and very little else. You've already done your grieving for his loss over the course of your life thus far, so his death is sort of an anticlimax as far as loss goes.Absent fathers hardly ever realize the damage they do just by not being there,<>the bitter lesson your father taught you into practice by being a present father.

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Mate you don`t know how true that is... thank you for your input. M
I do apologise for editing and "censoring" your post but again thank you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

First of all, feelings don't really respond to shoulds or shouldn't well at all. They are simply spontaneous and genuine expressions, even if they baffle or bemuse us sometimes.

You have experienced a loss however it is complicated by the lack of relationship you had and the difficult ambiguity of it all. Although I grew up with my biological father, it was a rough relationship that never worked, was on and off again until it was off for a long time when he died. What helped me was to start with a good definition of what I did lose and foremost was the loss of hope that we would change it and make the story end differently. But in a way while sad, it was also a relief to me too. And the next thing to be apparent in my strange grieving was the sadness about wishing I had had the kind of father I have seen other men be. Although I had been grieving that loss all along, there was a bit of the dam breaking on the last vestiges of it when my father actually died.

The bottom line I want you to consider is don't judge your feelings. And don't let others either but rather walk away when they start up with that stuff. Now actions, please, feel free to judge. But not feelings. We really are allowed to feel anytting at all we do or nothing at all. I don't hear you sounding a sociopath who lacks the ability to make emotional connections so be who you are and let your feelings off the hook.

I hope that was a perspective you find helpful.

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Valinor, your post along with ordinaryguys post has taken me to the verge of tears, I have struggled with the way that I think or thought that I should think I should feel about my father for quite a few years.

When you mentioned that you were in , for lack of a better metaphor, "the same boat" I knew that in my heart, my judgement and subsequent emotional actions relating to my problem have been a totally justifiable and perhaps normal reaction to someone who has felt a feeling of abandonment. Which I suppose is truly how I have felt regarding him.

As for your remark about my emotional state being akin to a sociopath, well I do understand that comment, as I would and have often made that comparison within my own state of mind regarding friends/acquaintences who have lost ones who I had assumed meant something to them but in their display of bereavement showed little or no emotion at all.

Thus I realise that "man is indeed man" and he/she is indeed unique in their own way of dealing with lifes events.

Thank you for your enlightenment. It is good knowing that even though I could accomplish the goal I set (the answer) while writing the original post from my friends, I guess it's the anomnity of the internet that fulfills the goal of the questions that I seek.

Myself being a non-believer in a theological sense of, for lack of a better term, non religiousness, I do wish you and all others the best of life and to all who take time to think of someone else, regardless of the minority of their problems over ones own. It is appreciated and if karma is true, well yours will benefit from what you do.

May the wind be at your back always and the sun shine on you where ever you may be.

Yes a distorted version of a classic quote but its mine and mine only and it comes from in there.

Peace.

M :)

I grew up with my father in the house. He was always the nice guy to the neighbors, at work, friends, but the moment the door was close he was a raging idiot. Nothing was ever good enough, and we were all this and that. We never dared raise our voice to him. I'm a big dude and I started lifting weights when I was 15 or 16 and got even bigger. One day when I was probably 16 years old after he was screaming at me for about 20 minutes for something I didn't do (which was a regular feature in our home) I just snapped. I walked right up to him, inches from his face and said, "What the F*** are you going do about it?" You've never seen a bigger coward. He backed right down after all those years. He then did what has become common in my adult life dealings with him. He blamed my mom.

Although this is not what you describe, I just wanted you to see that sometimes when you have your dad around, it's not exactly like it in the movies or on television. My dad was there, but he was there calling me names, lying to me, and blaming me for stuff that I had nothing to do with, and overall making me feel worthless.

I'm not saying your dad not being there was good but I am saying that sometimes when fathers are there it's not what you might think.

I don't know if that helps or not but I just thought I'd throw it out there.

You sound like an intelligent and thoughtful young man. You have great heart and so I suppose it makes you question yourself that you don't really have a place for this man in your heart. That is normal. You were abandoned.

Although you don't feel grief, I hope for your sake that you do one day completely forgive him, This is not the same as feeling love or attachment to him. Forgiveness will just close the book on him and help you to grow further as he will not be the thorn in your side that he has been.

Blessings to you, sweet boy. You love the people that count. If you learn to forgive the past, your ability to navigate life further with grace will be complete.