My Girlfriend of 4 years wants a break
Hello,
I have been reading some other q/a on this topic here, so I figured I might ask for so advice because I am stuck in a rut.
My girlfriend and I have been dating and living together for just over 4 years now. We started dating in college and also lived together since then. After we graduated, we lived together back where we both grew up for a year. Then when I ended up getting a job 4 hours away, she moved with me. We have a dog together and also just signed on a new lease for place only 2 months ago what we moved into 1 month ago.
Just earlier today, out of nowhere, she tells me that she needs a break. I have noticed that she has been really distant from me for the past couple of months, apparently she has been wanting a break for several months now. I asked her if there was someone else, to which she denied. She said that she needs time to figure out what she wants to do in life. Since she has always had a boyfriend for the past 10 years of her live, she also said that she wanted to see what it was like to be independent again.
She said that she still loved me very much, and that it hurt to think of leaving me alone in the new place, since I really don't have any friends in the new area, and she has many work friends. I didn't quite understand the concept of loving someone so much and wanting to leave them. She also kept asking if I would be OK if we were done, to which I said that I have no idea how to answer that question. She also went on that I was by far the best boyfriend she has ever had and I'm an amazing guy, making me even more confused. She also talked about how we have grown apart. She said she needed time to re-evaluate things.
After talking more, we talked about how we both really haven't been communicating well at all for a while now. She can get really defensive and we are both really stubborn sometimes. She also took the position of, "woulda coulda shoulda" about past and current issues, like you can't fix the way things are now. Problems which, in my opinion, can be addressed by talking things out. We both have some form of anxiety, mine which can get the best of me sometimes giving me a short temper, only emotionally, never physically. She also has some form of emotional push back because of hers. I apologized for not addressing want seemed to be like a growing problem for a little while now, and that I thought we could fix that with open communication.
My girlfriend also has wanted to get married for the past 2 years before this. But I have been dragging my feet due to so many changes in my life with working and school. I wanted to settle down a bit and start saving money before I tied the knot, which was my full intention. But now that that approaches near, this happens. I am taken aback.
In the end I said that I think we can work things out, but I respect her need for some space at the moment. So she is likely going to stay with a friend from work for an undetermined amount of time. Leaving the dog with me because of the space, a dog we both love like a child. I still have some hope because I know this girl loved me dearly, truly thinking I was the one for her in life, the feeling was and is mutual. I just was taken aback by all of this. To add icing on the cake, I have a job interview in 1.5 days for a promotion. It's seems impossible to think about preparing for it after all of this happening. I don't understand why we went townhouse hunting and moved into a new place when she was having these feelings building up.
I feel like this could have been avoided if we both opened up to each other more over the past 6 months to a year. I don't know what to do and how to proceed. This is by far by best and longest relationship ever. I truly believe this girl to be the love of my life, but I'm not sure she feels the same anymore.
Can anyone offer any advice? I am completely devastated and lost.
Update to: My Girlfriend of 4 years wants a break. Big crossroad.
Hello,
I posted on here about 8 days ago, about how my girlfriend wanted a break. A lot has happened since then and my question has since been buried a few pages back. I wanted to present this in a new question post so that I can get some feedback, because I'm at a huge crossroad, bigger than before. So if you want the original background to this question, my last one was listed as: My Girlfriend of 4 years wants a break. So here it goes:
Well a week and 2 days have passed and here is the current situation. A day after telling me she wants a break, she tells me that we need to break up. I of course pleaded with her that I intent to make some positive changes and promised to be more open with her, but she said after dating me for 4 years, she doesn't think I can truly change; though, she did say that I have come a long way in that 2 day period. I feel like I have lost her trust. I told her that I had been thinking a lot about marriage that year, and she said that maybe bringing marriage and kids into this situation would not work and make it worse, she also mentioned about it wasn't good timing for a lot of things that had happened with us, sadly. She also talked about how she didn't know if I could protect her, perhaps due to me not being alpha male enough in confronting guys hitting on her. In the end, she said that she was tired of trying and waiting with me, that I am stuck in my ways and that maybe we got too comfortable with the way things were and that we were no longer compatible, citing that maybe she want to be with someone who works with animals like she does (referring to the co-worker she has started to like). She also said that sometimes it takes drastic events to put things into perspective. She asked about still staying with me, I told her she can't continue to live with me if she is going to break it with me and date other people( she wouldn't be able to afford half of the rent anyway). She said she could stay with friends for now. She apparently told others that she took this as me kicking her out of her house, feeling homeless. I told her after hearing that, that she could sleep here if needed, that I didn't want to worry about her having a place to sleep until she gets situated else ware. So she has been sleeping here during my night shift nights. And tonight, a night off, she is staying in a hotel, to give me space I guess? So it seems like she might hate me for asking her stay somewhere else, even though I recanted it.
After that breakup, about 3 days after it and about 4 days ago from today, while I was out of town spending time with close friends, I called her a bit emotional, trying to figure things out, likely coming off as clingy and desperate. She basically said that currently, there was no chance for us, that I could not win her back, because everything I'm doing now is not genuine and is likely due to desperation. And she kept saying things like, "You have a lot going for you, you will find someone else." And about how it will get better as time passes. A lot of other things came out too, about how she said she didn't tell me she was unhappy because I was too hard to talk too. I admit that I can be a bit stoic, but she never really tried to tell me about any of this. It was also mentioned that she had thought that our relationship hasn't been going anywhere for 8 months; though, well enough to sign a year lease on a new townhouse 2 months ago? She just thought things would change. I guess I was supposed to read her mind, because I didn't notice a decent change in behavior until about 1 month ago. Perhaps this was due to developing feelings for a co-worker. One of the 3 people she works with that have expressed attraction to her. One got to her I guess.
I have talked to many people about all of this, friends and family, and have received mixed ideas. A couple of people I know, and most of the internet, say to leave her alone and let the chips fall where they may. Saying that I need to give her time to miss me if I want any chance, because she wants a strong independent man, and that I need to show her that I can make it without her. I can see this, but given my ex's past, she very may well cling to the next guy she has feelings for, and maybe even more, forget about me due to the sour ending. I know they say most rebounds don't last, but hers have lasted a while in the past. I also had a friend tell me that if I think she's worth fighting for, that I really do love her, then fight for her, but to be prepared for pain. Not sure what that meant, meaning do it now or later?
Talking to my mother about things, she had mentioned that it may be worth it to try and prove to her that I can change, by actually buying an engagement ring and asking her to marry me, since she has always been wanting to so bad before, and I have been thinking a lot about it this year. Perhaps that step would prove to her that I have the capability of romance and change. That was, as she said it, her female perspective. She says this because my ex mentioned that she felt like we had progressed to roommates who just have sex due to my lack of expressing my feelings. She said that at this point, I had nothing to lose, like the worst that could happen is she say no and I would still be in the same boat. Which I can see that might be true, but I could also see that it might push her away more, to the point of no-return (which it may already be). I also fear she may group this with the desperation of 4 days ago, just my male perspective.
So now I lie at a crossroads. I have to decide what to do. She will likely be moving on to a new place within the next 1-4 days. Would handing her a ring prove to her I have what it takes? Or will it push her away? Or will it do nothing? And if I don't do that, do I agree with her decision and agree it was the right thing and hope to prove to her that I changed down the road (I am genuinely taking steps to change, therapy etc)? I know that I can't talk her into believing me anymore. So it's either take chances on the cliché ring proposal, or play off the letting her go decision.
I could, as before, really use some sound advice right now.
