My neighbor let me know that his daughter has been cheated on. Her husband was caught sexting my wife over the course of 2 days. In which he had her so worked up that she needed a shower and when that didn't help she had to come wake me up. Then she texted him the next day to tell him about it and say how bad she was and she was "going to hell". One other one where he says he needs to be spoiled and she says she wants to be the one to do it. They both swear nothing physical happened but is there really a difference? Doesn't feel like there is. She bought a phone to do this as well so I would not be able to see her texts. I was packed to leave and she begged me to stay and try to work it out, She cites my friendships and emails with women over the years as a reason for this but I never cheated or sexted. Where do I go from here?

You get her to stop all contact with this man and go to marriage counseling with you.

If she's not willing to do that, then your marriage is over because she's not willing to work on giving you the trust you need.

This guys is an idiot with holes in his ears and no job. She said it had nothing to do with him other than he started flirting and she felt wanted and desired. My issue is that we have sex 4 to 5 times a week and it is very good. She said that me always taking her needs first is part of the insequrity she feels about all the women that throw themselves at me. I am no shrink but something is wrong. I am waiting for her to make the appointment for counseling. If she does that I will try to stay. I can't bear the thought of telling my 9 yr old girl that daddy is leaving.

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Originally Posted by mpegan

She cites my friendships and emails with women over the years as a reason for this but I never cheated or sexted

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These "women" that you are friends with, were they before or after you got married?

Why does your wife feel the need to "cite" your friendships?

How old are the both of you?

Do you have any children?

How long have you two been together?

Some of the friends are long time (non-girlfriends) friends. Some I have met over the past few years through work. We have been married 14 yrs and together 17. She has found emails from me in the past that were flirtacious but not about sex or anything. We went through this two years ago and I cut off all contact with anyone she though a threat. She says that she sees women drooling over me all the time and she can't stand it. The worse past is I thought things had been great the last two years since and we were doing fine. My daughter is 9 my wife just turned 40 and I am 42

I am not sure what is worse, the sexting or the waking me up to finish and then telling him about it. Should I be glad it was me or feel worse about that?

Thank you for answering my questions.

The reason I asked those questions is because I wanted a better understanding of your wife. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with being friends with the opposite sex, AS LONG as there are NO sexual innuendos.

It does sound as if your wife is a bit insecure in the relationship, as well as the way she perceives herself. NOW, do I blame you for that? No. I don't. This could be something that she has struggled with for a very long time. She is 40 now, so she may be feeling older (not saying 40 is old) she may be feeling undesirable, even though you make love to her many times a week, still, that doesn't matter. She may be feeling tired. So, a little sex talk from another man is exciting to her. Even though she may have said that she felt disgusted by it. If that were the case, she would have closed the book on that, and NOT needed take showers or need you to fulfil her needs.

Can you trust her? Are you willing to stay and work this out? Are you still in love with her? These are questions you need to be sure of.

Counseling is an idea. Not just for the both of you, but, perhaps, for her alone.

When I was married, I too had a man who sent me "A" dirty text. The reason I said A like that, was because after I read the text, I told him that I'm a married woman and that if I were ever a friend to him, he would respect me and leave me alone. Then I immediately told my Husband. That's just me though. I suppose we are all different...

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I am not sure what is worse, the sexting or the waking me up to finish and then telling him about it. Should I be glad it was me or feel worse about that?

That's a good question...

See, if it were a sexy movie that she stayed up late to watch, then I can see her waking you up to "ease" her needs so to speak. I mean, that has happened to me, and I'm sure a lot of others. NOW, having another man describing to her in graphic details that he wants her, well, see, I don't know... That doesn't sit well with me. If my Husband woke me up telling me that he is all hot and bothered by another woman's words, well, I would most likely tell him to get lost and have her go rub one out for him. Again, that's just me.

Thank you for the time in aswering this for me. I am having a tough time. We have spent the last few days trying to be close and talking about our whole life together. From the first date. It has been really nice and helpful while we are together but as soon as I leave I just can't get the picture of her texting him and using me as a tool then telling him. I am confident that she has not physically cheated but it is the same thing isn't it? I was also floored bu her buying a cell phone which she said she bought a month ago not for this guy but to talk with others as well without the possibility of me seeing the records. (a result of the last fight 2 years ago when I said I didn't like her talking to "married" friends of hers from the past who I don't care for. Did I ask for the phone purchase by doing that? Yes, I love her and my daughter and even though this kills me, I would rather deal than sit my daughter down to tell her I am leaving.

I really believe that you two should try and work this out. I don't think it is past the point of no return. Yes, she read sexy text messages from another man, but has not acted on it. You guys do have a long history and a 9 year old together.

If she is willing then she will do counseling. There is NO shame in counseling by the way. Also, communication. Have you two sat down and talked about this? Have you asked her why she allows another man speak to her like this? If so, what does she asy?

She begged me to go to councseling with her about her being so needy since she turned 40. I said I would but asked her to make the call and set the meeting.. She has made a call and is awaiting info from her doctor. She says she is disgusted by the whole thing and now sees how bad it is but swears that in the moment she didn't stop to think about how bad it was and how hurtfull. She says she can't live without me and will do anything to get through this and will be forever gratefull if I can just this once please give her a chance. Yes, we have spent the last two days talking about how I feel and about our life together. She does not want to talk about the event anymore as she says it is more hurtfull to continue to dwell on this because she is so embarrassed and disgusted

Good to hear she made the call. That's the first step.

I'm sure that there is hope here. People do mess up once in a while. It is up to you if you are willing to forgive her and to let this go.

Either way, I wish you two the best of luck.

Thanks again! Guess I needed someone to tell me I am not crazy to try

You're welcome! Also, you're NOT crazy for trying, in fact, I commend you FOR trying.

I'm glad you are trying to work things out. Counselling is ALWAYS a good idea. I will add that she probably DOESN'T want to talk about it but she NEEDS to talk about it until you feel more secure and you can trust her again - if you ever can. She was inappropriate. Emotional cheating in my mind is every bit as damaging as physical cheating.

I have a couple of concerns - Where is her male friend's wife in this equation? If your neighbor told you this is no big secret.

She bought a phone just for the purpose of "sex-ting" this guy? This was not a mistake. This was premeditated.

Do you believe it never turned physical between them?

She is wrong to justify HER actions by citing YOUR behavior.

You also make reference to how often you have sex, how good the sex is. I'm an investigator. I do a fair number of matrimonial surveillances. I have never once had a woman tell me the affair is/was about the sex - it's always about the attention.

With men it often is about the sex.

Sorry that my advice comes from a less forgiving place but I've done so any matrimonial investigations over the years that I am somewhat jaded and always have to ask the same questions.

I wish you well -

Thank you for taking the time and for an honest reply. I will consider your thoughts carefully. Thanks to everyone for the help. I think I found the answers I was looking for and am ready to face the next few months.

Please come back and let us know how you are doing, how the marriage is, if you work it out.

I hope you do -