Ask Me Help Desk - What should I say?

So my ex and I have been broken up for 2 weeks officially today. I wrote him a letter for closure 3 days after our break-up, but he never responded. The break-up was a shock, however I was to blame because he said he was "burned out" and felt the relationship was 80%about me, 20% about him. I was self-centered and selfish (stupid me). The breakup wasn't nasty either and he ended it by saying he still wanted to keep in contact from time to time and maybe we could get back together once we had our careers figured out. Anyway, I still keep in contact with my ex's mom--i was close to his family and she always tells me she misses and thinks about me.

I'd really like another chance with him, but I think it's far fetched as he makes no attempt to contact. And I am working very hard on my selfishness and self-centeredness as I do not ever want that to be a reason for a breakup in any more of my relationships. This is where I need some advice or thoughts... my uncle unexpectedly passed away last night. I wasn't really close to him, but nonetheless, I'm very sad. Anyway, my ex's mom found out and emails me with her sympathies. Then I get another email from her saying that my ex was wondering when the viewing was. First of all, I think it's kind of pathetic that he didn't email me himself. Second, I don't even want him to come to the funeral as he only met my uncle like once or twice and would make everyone feel awkward as they used to think so highly of him before he broke my heart. Third, I just feel like all my feelings would come back and it would hurt my healing.

What do I do? What should I think?

First of all I'm sorry for your pain. I know it well and it does hurt a lot.

Give it time and do the right things like no contact with him, continue to work on yourself, eat well, exercise, work hard at school / job etc. and in time it will get better. It won't be easy but you will get there. Read the many stories here of people just like you and you will realise it.

Try to have no contact with him at all. You really need this in order to begin your healing. If you must contact his mother then don't discuss anything to do with him with her. Don't ask, don't even say his name. And ask that she do likewise. If you talk to her it is to be about your relationship with her and not him OK?

It is good that you have identified problems of your own in the relationship. I hope you plan to work on them, and ensure it doesn't happen again. But don't completely blame yourself either. Relationships are a two way street and I'm sure he was no angel. It wasn't all your fault but it is good you can see that some of it was. That will help a lot in your healing as well.

Im also sorry to hear about your uncle. Not a good time for you is it?

As far as your ex coming to the funeral I don't blame you that you don't really want him there. That is fine, and especially if he never really seen him. Heck, I didn't even tell my ex of 7 years about my Pop passing away and she was close to him. Maybe I should have but I didn't see it necessary to contact her.

Perhaps you could send an email back to the mother saying "Thank you for your concern and condolences and also thank (insert ex name here) for wanting to attend the viewing, but my family would prefer if it was kept to a private family viewing only".

That way you aren't telling him you don't want him there, you are just basically telling him the truth but not in so many words.

I think he would accept that.

I hope it all works out for you. And stick around and ask some more questions when your feeling down. There are lots of people here who can help you get through your tough time!

How old are both of you?

Quite frankly you both sound a little imature.

If he was burned out - well that's not good - you pushed him away.

Why so selfish? I am sure he warned you.

I think you both need time aprt and he knows this.

I'd do no contact with him for 3 months - no less - then see howyou feel and contact him.

But quite frankly - if he's burned out on you... well the attraction is gone.

I like Skells answers a lot!! Read that.

Okay he broke up with you and its your fault and now you are working on things to make yourself better so you can have him back! Well if that's the case then I'm going to break up with every girl I date until they go get what I want straightened out. You know, I seem to find a lot of instances where the person being dumped is led to believe that they are selfish and self centered. Well that's probably just a cop out because most people are naturally attracted to people that have enough confidence to be self centered. Don't change for him, change for you. If he doesn't want you at your worst, don't take him at your best!

Wow, for once on this site, I actually feel like I got some good, sound, objective advice. We're both 23. He texted me later today and gave his condolences about my uncle. I simply replied "Thanks. It is appreciated."

I am working on things for myself as I just want to be a better person because of this. Our relationship used to be so close and loving, but then we got so caught up in our own lives and careers (I'm graduating soon and he is looking at jobs out of state). That's when it started becoming selfish--we were not thinking of each other's personal goals, only our own. It got to the point where we basically used each other to vent--I did it more than he did. He started becoming close to a girl at work and at first, it didn't bother me, but then he seemed to talk about her all the time, so I asked him to not even mention her name anymore as it was starting to hurt my feelings. He apologized and told me I had nothing to worry about as he was not interested in her. When we broke up, he told me that she was a really good friend and was helping him figure things out. It just made me sad that he didn't come to me--but then again, maybe he didn't know how I'd react.

I guess you could say, I was too secure, I thought he'd never leave as we always talked about marriage and kids and he told his family he would marry me. As of now, I am taking everyone's advice--no contact and when I talk to his mom, I will make sure it's not about him or our relationship. He is a great person and could still see myself with him, however I think we both need to grow up and experience the world first. Maybe then, we'll find each other again and if not, then I'll know it wasn't meant to be.

I remember your other post very well and honestly your still missing a bigger picture as he can't pay his respects and you can still visit his mother, so what kind of signals are you sending him, that you still care as you move on.

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Third, I just feel like all my feelings would come back and it would hurt my healing.

What about his healing for chrissake. SELFISH to the max. You wanted objective, you got it!!