So my boyfriend has twins and one that's 11 months younger than the twins. We get them on the weekends. I really love his kids like if they were my own. They call me mom and stuff. They love me and stuff. Well the problem is that I have no say so on what they do. My boyfriend says he's the parent and I can't tell him how to raise his kids; which I'm not. I just don't agree with some of the stuff he's letting them doing. Like them putting food on the walls, putting holes in the walls, turning on the water to the washer hookup up stairs, and you get the point making it harder for me as the one who cleans the house. I talked to him about this and he don't agree with me. I don't know if its normal for 11 and a 10 year old boys to watch rated R movies but I don't think so but he lets them just like its absolutely NOTHING! Everyone I talk to about that situation including my next door neighbors and my non christian friends and stuff says that's inappropriate to. I feel like I'm a maid and a baby sitter and just a object for him when they are here. When they aren't here its different. But when they move in its going to be like this all the time and I don't want this. Any advice?

Your boyfriend wants to be liked by his children, and thinks that giving them a free ticket to do whatever they want is going to accomplish that. It will seem to, but in the long run, his sons will consider him a doormat, a pushover, a weakling.

He knows that if he says no to them, they will give him grief and whine and flop around and even say "I hate you!" The thought of dealing with that kind of behavior freaks him out. He wouldn't know what to do next to keep them in line. Therefore, let them get away with murder and not deal with it. Oh, well.

The children are at that age where they like to push his envelope. They know his weak spot (that he wants to be their buddy) and will push, push, push until they get what they want.

You and I both know he must step up and be their parent, not their buddy. How do the children behave with their mother, in their own home?

There are parenting classes available. Would he go to one with you? Or see a family counselor for a few sessions? (I'm guessing that he wouldn't.)

Are you seeing a counselor yet? If so, ask your counselor about how to handle this.

It also sounds like the children need to be kept busier than they are and have structured activities when they are at your house. Would you be up for ideas about that?

I'm sorry you are going through this. But there isn't anything you can really do about it. However, I'm not sure how serious you and your boyfriend are, but if you can't agree on parenting styles, then its probably a bad idea to try to continue this relationship. Eventually you will want your own children and this will be a HUGE problem when it is YOUR child as well as his.

On a side note, watching movies that are rated R may be OK depending on the movie. Many childred over 10 enjoy rated R movies, especially since the rating system has cracked down and now a movie gets an R rating if there is a swear word in it (which kids hear at school all day anyway)


Most parents use their own judgement on a movie rather than the rating scale. For example, my daughter (7 years) loves the movie 'The villiage' which is rated pg 13. She isn't 13 yet. But there isn't anything in the movie that is really bad for a child to see, other than its kind of creepy IF you understand the story line. And even when you DO understand the story line, its not very scary.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

If that is your home as well you do have a say in his children's behavior you also have the right to correcting. I have three boys and their father and I both are in a relationship with another, My kids don't like it much when they go to their dads and his girlfriend tries to correct them they come to me complaining about this often however as a mother I tell them that its her house as well and as much as they don't like it they are to respect her wishes you cannot let those kids get over on you, there has to be some adult in the home to set rules, If he is not going to inforce them you will have to take that role, or leave him. If there are no rules for these kids in your home matters will only become worse.

If he wants to allow them to ruin the house, let him clean up the mess. That should stop the behavior awfully quick.

Their mother isn't in the home. I live with my boyfriend. So the kids live with my boyfriends mom for right now till my boyfriend gets off DOC. And When the boys boys do say I hate you to my boyfriend he just talks to them. When the boys fight he tells them stories about when he was in prision. Like he saw this one dude get raped cause he mouthed off to this one dude. And my boyfriend thinks it will stop them from bickering and well... it hasn't!! I'm not a parent I have NO kids but honestly I don't think that's how you deal with that I don't think your suppose to tell kids that! I don't know... like I said I'm NOT a parent! Ok so I have another problem. When the boys fight one of them are having thoughts of suicide cause the 2 of them are ganging up on him all the time. 2 weekends ago Shawn (my boyfriend) was at work on sat. and so I was watching the kids. They got in this huge brawl. And I had to brake it up. I din't yell or anything. I just had them each to to their own room. Well the one went out side. I had to go look for him. I found him in a tree and he wanted to hang himself it was devastating cause that's how I lost my mom last year. I told him to get down and go inside and he did. And then I just broke in tears.
The other problem is these boys are going around and telling each other to suck each others d****. Wow... Shawn just thinks its FUNNY and just laughs and laughs but what if they go to school and says that? That's sexual harassment isn't it?? Like I said I don't have kids... I'm new to this whole mom thing but I'm NOT stupid I think I know A lot of things about raising kids. I helped raised my neases and nephewes. And saw my brothers grow up. Plus I'm a girl and wemon have that motherly instinct in them right? Any advice about these new issues.

I can't have kids so no I don't want kids. And I can't adopt cause he's a s.o. Parenting classes? He took those in prision I already brought that up to him and he said not to worry about that how he raises his kids is totally up to him and that's that. Yes I'm seeking a counselor but I would like other opinions about this as well:) Yes I would be up for activities but see like for instince We took them up to mt Rainier to go hiking for the day they fought all the way there all day long and all way back home. Couldn't even enjoy the day. Everyone stared at us cause they were fighting and screaming and Shawn was just "guys stop cause were in public, guys please stop" pull them away and tell them kepp going. Then aobut 10 minutes later fight again. They don't want to see their mom for ALONG time. She cheated on their dad right in front of them if you get what I'm saying. She smoked dope in the same room as them with the door closed when they were younger. She was the one that set Shawn up to put him in prision. She use to beat them. They just don't want nothing to do with their mom right now. I'm trying to tell Shawn that they need counseling but Shawn says no cause every time they talk about it they act out more (which is true) but they need to get it out instead of just repressing their feelings!! But he won't listen to me and again I have NO say so!! I have a feeling that these kids are going to wind up in juvey and jail and have kids at a VEWRY early early age! My counselor says that they should seek counseling and that they are following their dads footsteps of jail- drugs, drinking, smoking, all that. She says it won't be long before Shawn will allow them to do that:( In your opinion do you agree with her?

I know this is not what you want to hear, and probably won't even take the thought of it cause it sounds to me you are in a denial as well, you want to hear someone say it will be OK. Well girl I have news for you it is not OK, you need to get out of where you are,move on. The man has served PRISON time and you think he will change? Been there done that, he will never change not only have I been there I have seen several woman in relationships with men that have served prison time and they are all treated poorly they know prison life and for some reason they carry out that way of living in the outside world. As for the kids sounds like he don't want you as a mother role in their life, if he wants you in his life he should feel you are good enough for his children, being they don't even have a mother in their life at this time they need you as well, However it is not going to happen if he refuses to allow it.