Ask Me Help Desk - Split with my girl, she needs "space"

OK, I know there's loads of questions on this subject but I just need a little more help with this...
I was with my girl for 8 months and everything was great apart from the fact I never saw her as much as id like. Here's the background
She's 30, has two kids and works full time. When we 1st got together everything was wonderful, was seeing her loads, spending time with her and her kids and getting on great. Now the problem is she has a VERY controlling friend, she has to be at her friends house at 6 on a fri,sat and Sunday night, even if she is a little bit late she goes in a huff. Now I was really bugged by this, but at the end of the day its her friend and not my place to say so I said nothing.
Anyway, I was asking her when we could get a night out together but all I ever got back was "ill sort it".but that never happened.in the whole time we were together we went out twice and both them were with her friend and her friends husband. I was getting a little sick but I stuck with it because id fallen for her big time and loved her.
Then the 2 weeks before we split she started cancling seeing me on a night. Id normaly go to her house after work on a mon,tue and Wednesday night after work. But she was sending me text messeges 10 minutes before I was due to set off saying she couldn't see me because she was sleepie, unwell etc and that I could go see her the next night and to call her in an hour or so, but it was the same again that night. I said nothing even though I was upset.
Last Wednesday I text her to ask if she wanted to to meet up on Thursday afternoon for something to eat and to pic her kids up together, thought it would be nice to spend some time together. I got back that she was meeting her friend and she always done on a Thursday and it wasn't fair to change that. Now that really hurt me.I was supposed to go down her house on that night but once again I got a messege saying she couldn't see me again. So I sent her a messege saying how hurt I felt that she could cancle on me but would never dream of doing it to her friend. That all I wanted was some of her time because I love her.that she says she loves me but I feel unloved. When she replyed it wasn't good. She said she loved me but didn't know what to do for the best.
To cut a long story short she split with me on Friday, saying she still cared so much but she just needs to be friends at the moment. That she still wants me around and not to stop talking to her.when I asked if she meant see how things go in the futuer she said she didn't know what would happen and didn't expect me to wait around for her.
She has since old her dad and the kids that we are "having time apart" and things could go either way.
Love her to bits and want to be with her, but not sure what to do next

I should also point out that we have NEVER once fallen out or had a fight over anything. Everyone we know commented about how good we were together and what a great couple we were

Give her the space she needs and enjoy your life without her. Leave her alone for now. She has issues she has to address. Let her call you.

As the resident cynicist, I'm going to weigh on my side. I think you've been getting played like a harp from day one. "Controlling friend"? Unless by controlling you mean dying of cancer, I don't think there's a friend in this picture. She's definitely seeing some other guy. When I hang out with my friends, of any gender, I always want my girlfriend to come with, unless it's the once in a blue moon time I need to unload some steam about her. I also expect this in return. The fact that you're unwelcome says to me that she's up to something.

My keen batman instinct also tells me the time you went out with her friend and her "husband" you met the dude. That's just a hunch, but I'm fairly certain there's no controlling friend in the picture. Furthermore, suppose the story is exactly as you told it. Do you really want to be involved with somebody that prefers her friends over you? 99% of the time? I think it's time you pick up a "controlling friend" of your own or two.

Thanks for the feed back

Her friend does exist,I go round hers with her on a weekend and they are both fine about it.that isn't so much of the isue.my problem was that she has time for her but never seems to make time for me.im certin (as anyone can be) that there is no one else involved, she isn't got enuff hours in the day to see anyone

Yea, I thought that too. The whole "i don't feel well so don't come over" thing is sort of like her way of trying to get you to break up with her. She hopes if she keeps cancelling on you eventually you'll get sick of it and dump her so she doesn't have to feel guilty. When I'm sick I want my girlfriend around. I'm going with about 85% there's another guy.

Whether there is another guy or not, she seems to not want to spend time so I would as I have said backoff and live my own life. Whatever is up she will call(or not) and you can have the talk with her. Till then I would go about my own business as if she didn't exist. I suspect that ForeverZero has a valid point and she doesn't want to feel guilty for dumping you. I don't knowfor sure, but I wouldn't let her have the satisfaction. Just me.

The other responses have got a point. I remember a few weeks before my breakup, my ex started becoming distance and the funny thing is, I did not really identify this until after the breakup. I don't think there was anything I could have done, I think it was going to happen at some point. I suggest you remain out of contact, she does not want you in her life at the moment and there is no point with being with someone that does not reciprocate your feelings.

Stay away from her, make her miss you, she may miss you, she may not but at least you will not be in an unhealthy relationship and can begin to work on yourself -- Move On!

Nothing to add. Just move on. Give the all the space in the world. Do not contact. Do not. Do not give her that satisfaction.

Thanks guys. But the thing is she said she still wants me around. She has even text me today to let me know how her little girl (who I look at as if she was my own) is. She is confusing the hell out of me.even asked if we are still going shopping on Saturday.we arranged it weeks ago. I have a strange feeling that when she's told her "mate" we fell out and what it was about she "put the boot in". Will update you all when I next hear from her

If you want her back - leave her alone - don't return calls right away - be busy - BREAK that shopping date - and if she says why - you made plans and she asked for space.

Let me guess - you texted her back righ away - like a 'nice guy'.

I agree with Wildcat 100% Now I think she is using her child to keep you on a short leash, for her own ends. She asked for space and then she wants you to go shopping?? Oh heck NO!! Don't let her just tell you any friggin' thing my gosh!

@ wildcat
No, was busy at the time so never checked my phone. Was only about an hour and a half later I text, but it's a start.

I know you like this kid a lot and don't want to let her down but I'm always suspicious of females who give nothing and expect a lot. She seems to be busy a lot and fair is fair. But if you don't keep this appointment she will never forgive you, and hold it over your head forever. Lose-lose. I smell a set up as she could have let you out of this, since you are on a break, but she didn't. A devious mind would just break-up before hand, she can then put the blame on you. You would not be the first man who delays the inevitable because you like her kids though. Or do for the child and be indifferent towards the mother, if you can handle that as a GENTLEMAN, polite but distant. Sends a strong message.Children should never be put in the middle of adult mess.:cool:

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Children should never be put in the middle of adult mess.:cool:

Spot on with that mate.
Thing is I miss her kids just as much as I miss her.yer, they isn't mine, big deal, they might as well be. But if anyone was to get hurt over all this the last thing I want is for them to be hurt. They are/were my world.
Another thing is that her "mates" husband is going out on Saturday night for his birthday (play pool with him for the local pub,he's not a bad bloke) and we are both going (notice how she got a baby sitter for that).
The more I'm thinking about it the more I'm thinking she just wanted some one to hold her hand so she could say she had boyfriend.
Even though I've been told off loads of people she was trying to get my phone number for months before I gave her it. She was "lusting" after me for a long time and now this? Don't make any sense.
But maybe fantisy was better than reality.

Well I've just got back from pool night and I had a text from her saying she hoped I had a good night. I sent one back saying thanks and that I hoped her and the kids were OK. Her "mate" was there and was talking to me about what's gone on (quizing me more like). Was careful what I said because I know I can't trust her. Said that I still can't figure out what was going on and she turned round and said "yer i know but it wasnt fair to go on seing you when she was feeling like this". Other than that there's nothing new to report for now.

Well guys I decided to go shopping with her today.mainly for the kids.am going to be the perfect gentalman and do like you guys said.let you know how it goes

Well we went shopping and everything went well.we had a laugh and I enjoyed being with her and the kids. Went out on the night for our mates birthday and had a good night.she said she was sorry and she knows I love her.I asked if she still loved me and she said yes straight away, more than anything. Where ever I went she was cloase by and wouldn't let me sit for two seconds without dragging me up to dance. At the end of the night she said goodnight and gave me a kiss. The next day I text and asked if she was OK. She text back that she was and thanked me for being her "rock". I then asked if she was sceared of commitment and she said it wasn't about comitment it was about her not feeling like the relationship was right for her. So I'm no more forward and even more confused.

You need to go one way or the other, man - right now it seems like you're setting yourself up for a fall.

Quote:

it was about her not feeling like the relationship was right for her. So I'm no more forward and even more confused.

Poor thing is so confused, so no wonder you don't know which way to go. Take a break for a specic length of time to give you both time to sort things out. No Contact till no one is confused. This means to leave her alone and do not be so available when she calls. This goes for her friends as well.