How to save my relationship
Hello.
My situation is a bit complex so I will try to make it brief. I met my ex almost 4 years ago. Do to many reasons we did not see each other for almost a year after that initial meeting. Then we reconnected and instantaneously clicked. We both felt as if we had found our best friend/partner. We 'clicked' on an intellectual level, loved spending time together and cared very deeply for each other. He knew I was going through a difficult time, and was so very good at being there for me, as I was for him. He called often, took me out to give me a bit of fun each week, sent me cute emails and wrote the most lovely IM's. We did see each other often.
Within 4 months, we were practically living together and eventually were. After 2 1/2 years of living together, he broke up. He said that he wasn't sure he could be in a relationship given health issues he was facing, even though I had been so supportive. He also felt I had been too smothering and jealous (he has many friends who are girls)... and to be honest I was (operative word being was). He wanted to move away and get well and then see what the future held. He didn't want us to stop loving each other, just put it aside for the time being. He left and spent an unhappy week with a friend and then asked if he could stop by on his way to his parents. He did and stayed far longer then he intended. Before leaving, he officially broke up, but then called a day later to get back together... as he said he had listened to what I had said and wanted to give me a chance to show him that relationships need not be clingy, overwhelming or suffocating. He was gone for 3 months, during which time we talked and kept in contact, and we did have many good talks.
He returned feeling somewhat better health-wise, though we both knew he had a long way to go, and ready to work on us. But there appeared to be a wall up, he wasn't as warm and approachable as he had been. This worried me and made it difficult for me to give him space as I always feared something was wrong. He assured me he was in our relationship for the long haul and wanted it to work, but all he could give me for the time being was commitment... he would be with me and me alone. 2 weeks later he broke up again, but expressed a desire to stay in our home as he really likes both me and our life. He just isn't sure if he is in a place to be with anyone... and no, he isn't dating nor does he want to date others. He is concerned he may be the type of person who cannot be in a relationship, he likes friends and feels that relationships lead to drama that he cannot handle with his health (he is tired chronically, low energy etc.). He went to visit a friend of his for a few days and returned... he only called once during that time to say that he was extending his trip by a day. I had been invited to go along but did not want to be sad nor did I want to visit his friends as the 'ex' when we had last went as a couple.
He stayed in the house in his own space. We continued to get along very well, though he knew and still knows I love him greatly and want so badly to reconcile. We have now been 'broken up' for 8 months. A few months ago he moved back into the bedroom and we currently live together as a couple. Yet, he doesn't want a relationship with me or anyone. Neither of us is interested in dating anyone else, so there is no one else involved. I feel that we all but have a relationship and feel that given how good we are together, we should begin again, with the understanding the we would be committed partners, and the emphasis would be on supporting each other as we continue to accomplish what we each need to, rather then my being worried about the status of our relationship. I want to write him a letter to tell him how I feel, as we have tried talking numerous times and it tires him and I think it pushes him away. He wants me to be independent and to focus on myself. He says I have more power over whether we have a future then I know. All of his friends and family are confused over his behavior and feel that we are wonderful together and that he will come back to me fully. That the more time and space I give him the more likely it is he will return.
The problem is that he will be leaving soon to finish medical treatment. Afterward, he will only return if he decides that he wants a relationship with me. The other options available are that he will take a job elsewhere and move me there, he will decide he isn't cut out for a relationship and will live alone, or the unspoken... he will decide that he wants someone other then me and will wait for that. I feel as if the next few weeks to months are all the time I have to get him to see our past in a better light. He has agreed to 'wipe the slate clean' with regard to problems we had, which is good as he emphasized them. What can I do to help him want to return to me? We compliment each other so well, and no one has ever made me feel as young and special, nor has anyone cared about me as much as he. Things fell apart with his illness, and I feel it is wrong to throw a chance at a future away when he is now getting better. If anything, we are more compatible now.
He is the type of guy who likes independent women, time to himself etc. and I know these are areas which I failed a bit. I feel this is it for me... the only time I have to help make things right on my part. I want to write a letter to explain my feelings... but that is proving difficult. I also worry that this will drive him further away as it seems writing letters, contact, phone calls etc. puts pressure on guys. I am a bit of a homebody and my friends are usually very busy, so it isn't easy nor comfortable for me to go out and give him lots of time alone. Please help as this guy is very special to me... I should also add that I have been the sole supporter of us financially since his illness a year ago... and have continued to be through the breakup. He is worried that I think he 'owes me' now. I do not, though I would hope it would endear me to him and show him how much I care. He also may never be able to work full time, though he is resistant to that idea. I worry he will spend years on a quest that may not fully manifest. I have told him I am more than willing to be the main provider and he can work part time and take care of the house or just do the house. I am in this for the long term... irregardless of his health. He thinks, sometimes that I want him ill so he needs me. That is not true. I just want us to be together, as I know how very good it would be. How do I help him see this?
