My husband likes to be in control. If I don't do agree with him and do what he wants he gets mad and pouts for awhile. Our son and his family recently moved in with us and in the process of buying a house and since it was not ready have moved in with us for about 6 weeks. Their dog has an issue with eating the cat food so we put it on a phone table so the dog cannot get it. He has really gotten upset and has pouted about it. He has barely spoken to them and there is a lot of tension in the house when he is around. This is just one example. My sons family have two sons and they don't even want much to do with him now due to attitude. We tried talking about it tonight, but it became very heated and he started bringing up and accusing me of things 15 years ago. How do I deal with his control and pouting. When we argue he won't stop until he makes me feel as if I can't do anything right. When he gets me to that point he lets up and I give up fighting. I can't deal with his anymore. What do I do?

It isn't easy to give advice when we know nothing about your daily lives. Do you work, does he work? If he's the only one working, is he tired when he gets home from a stressful workday, and wants quiet? Or was he just a control freak from day one?

I would first get the kids out ASAP and then I would see if he will go with you for counseling, and if he won't, go yourself. Did you invite your son and family, or was it a joint decision? Not everyone deals with grown children the same way, and you may welcome them with open arms anytime, and he may not, and neither is right or wrong. The son and grandsons have no right, however, to be ungrateful. They are freeloaders at the moment. Start by having a talk with your son about speeding up the departure whether their house is finished or not.

He owns his own heating/cooling business. I work as a teachers aide, so am off for the summer. He has been like this for a long time. I live in fear that I will make the wrong decision and make him upset and then he pouts for a long time. He always blames everyone else for everything that goes on in his work and at home.

This has been going on a long time before the kids came. The kids staying with us was his idea, but I agreed. They would gladly move as soon as possible. They are waiting for their house to close. There closing date was to be only three weeks, but they are still waiting on paper work. They are grateful and are not freeloading. This is just the current thing he is upset about. If it wasn't this it would be something else. He told me last night that he doesn't think I put him first, but I rarely do anything but what he wants and my entire life evolves around what he is doing and his work. He seems jelous about anything I do other than what he wants.

First of all if he wants to pout I would just let him. My other half went through a sulky phase at one time and I just chose to ignore it. One day he stormed out in a huff and when he returned complained I hadn't noticed/didn't care he was miserable. I replied I had noticed but since he wasn't speaking about it assumed he wanted to deal with it himself. I told him when he is ready to discuss any problems I am ready and willing. He doesn't sulk anymore.

If he moaned about something I would ask him what he wanted to do to solve the problem.

If he brought up things from the past I would simply say, 'you're right I made some mistakes in the past, now what do you want in the present?'

In short I would treat him as the adult I expect him to act like.
If he cannot deal with his feelings adequately he will be looking to you to act as a panacea. He has to learn to ask for what he wants and air his problems like a grown up.

I agree with joly, I would also consider counselling. Ideally for you both, but if not then you go. You need to learn not to fear his moods (assuming they don't get so out of hand you are ever in danger from him), develop some strategies to deal with him, have somewhere to unload your frustration, and look at the long term future of your relationship in a safe environment.

A favorite response of mine (something I read a study about) is that men, it turns out, want one thing more than any other: admiration of their work prowess, slaying the saber tooth tiger, bringing home the bacon. Apparently it does wonders (I can't test it) to brag and praise about what a good breadwinner he is, how smart he is at it, how you think he's got the best business or job in the world. With both of you working you won't greet him at the door with a martini and a 7 course meal and bring him his pipe and slippers, but when you are having dinner, make sure to give him equal time to talk about work that day, and to appreciate what he does, as long of course as he appreciates you too.

Thanks for your response. I have ignored him for the last month, but when he walks in the house you can feel the tension rise with all of us. The grandkids don't want much to do with him anymore and I know that upsets him.

When he does tell me what is bothering him it usually isn't the real issue. This time he keeps bringing up it is because we put the cat food bowl on the phone table. When he gets down to it it is because he isn't getting enough attention and because he didn't think I was interested in him getting a new truck. It is hard to get to the bottom of why he is upset. I want to just tell him to grow up. He does talk to several of his friends regularly and since he owns his own business he can talk to whoever he wants in the day time. He however wants me to spend the evenings with him and waiting on him to be able to do something. My life evolves around waiting for him to be able to do things and what he wants. Although he says that is not true,

Other than getting annoyed, angry, and being pouty, your examples of him being controlling, I just can't see.

A controlling man is someone who contols other people; their access to family and friends, their bank accounts, what they wear, how they apply their makeup, how they walk, talk, interract with other people etc. A controlling man (or woman) increases the need to control by continued and increasing methods until a person has a loss of self, and lives only for the one in control. It is never enough. Physical violence and emotional abuse are common.

You don't have an opinion if you are being controlled, and if you do, a controller sees it as a challenge to his authority over you, and is seen as something that needs corrected.

Could it be more that you and your husband, even though he was happy to have four extra people and a dog in his home, for six weeks, has realized over the weeks, that this is causing him stress, he's unappy with the situation, and pouts and is miserable, because of that?

I realize that he also behaves the same way in other situations, but could it be more of a problem with communication between the two of you?

It seems like he is very dependent on you. He also seems like he likes things, particularly at home, to be comfortable dependable and predictable. IF that is his normal sort of attitude at home, adding four people and a dog is going to bring out his frustration and anger to express that. Had this entire family not moved in, do you think he'd be bringing up the past of 15 years ago?

His home is his sanctuary, and somewhere along the line, he has learned that he can expect things to be a certain way, and if he pouts long enough, you give in. If that is the way the two of you solve problems, it might be time to see about how to better improve the quality of the communication you have. The result of not communicating needs and wants, is what you are seeing now, which results in bitterness, unresolved conflict and anger.

Maybe he's never been able to express himself properly, and the two of you have grown into this role of him getting his way via pouting and sulking. I would expect more from him myself, and when all the people move out of your home and things settle down and he has his space and comfort level back, consider that what you saw of his behaviour while they were there, was really just an extreme example of what he's always like anyway.

And if that's the case, maybe you could have anticipated that you'd see more of his already existing behaviour, as it seems this is not new, with or without the company for six weeks. The company has only made it worse, and more obvious.

With three weeks still to go, he realizes he is only half way, and things will likely get more tense in your household. Why not see if you can arrange a break by taking your husband away for a weekend. Maybe rent a cottage, or go to a nice hotel in a nearby city. Somewhere quiet. Do something together, without an entourage. Just the two of you.

Or, you could suggest to your son that he do the same thing with his family, to give both you and your husband a break.

I personally think that having two adults, two kids and a dog in my house, for six weeks, no matter how much I loved them, would cause some strain. Maybe you didn't anticipate your husband would be affected as much as he is, but maybe you should have, I don't know. But either way, I hope that just the two of you can connect outside this temporary situation, and have some fun together. It may make the remaining three weeks more tolerable, for everyone involved.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

A favorite response of mine (something I read a study about) is that men, it turns out, want one thing more than any other: admiration of their work prowess, slaying the saber tooth tiger, bringing home the bacon.

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What is the one thing women want more than any other?