HI all,hope sommeone can help me my wife of 20 years who I adore has told me she do not love me anymore and wants to separate even though she said I'm very good to her that I'm a great father / provider. The last two years she has have these periods of unhappeness when she is very angry with me even I have done nothing wrong but in between its as if she could not be happier with the things she said and done.We have 3 childrn who has seen nothing but love in our home .So last week my wife said she was going away to a retreat for a few days during the time away she sent me a message saying negatives thoughts and things that happened to her when she was younger is preventing her being happy with the ones she love she also asked me never to ask her about what happened when she was younger ,now I know she had a **** upbringing but I'm thinking the worst now I'm thinking could that be a reason for our marriage problems and what can I do if anything I love her so much

Just tell her how you feel and start taking her and your kids to nice places and just try to make her feel happy all the time! :)

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Originally Posted by johnny logan

HI all,hope sommeone can help me my wife of 20 years who i adore has told me she do not love me anymore and wants to seperate even though she said im very good to her that im a great father / provider. The last two years she has have these periods of unhappeness when she is very angry with me even i have done nothing wrong but in between its as if she could not be happier with the things she said and done.We have 3 childrn who has seen nothing but love in our home .So last week my wife said she was going away to a retreat for a few days during the time away she sent me a message saying negatives thoughts and things that happened to her when she was younger is preventing her being happy with the ones she love she also asked me never to ask her about what happened when she was younger ,now i know she had a **** upbringing but im thinking the worst now im thinking could that be a reason for our marriage problems and what can i do if anything i love her so much

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You can't make someone love you, even after 20 years. My suggestion? She went to a retreat to try to work on whatever her problem is. Have you considered therapy for yourself? Unless/until your wife tells you what the problem is you are trying to fix things without knowing what you are "fixing."

Does she suffer from depression? Has she seen a Physician?

She says she doesn't love you - has she said she wants a divorce? If she truly doesn't love you, what is her plan for the rest of her life?

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Originally Posted by emily101

Just tell her how you feel and start taking her and ur kids to nice places and just try to make her feel happy all the time! :)

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Children should not post on adult boards. Foolish advice, using text talk.

When was the last time she had a check up?

How old are you both, and your kids?

Had any major changes in your lives?

We are both in our forties our kids are age 7 to 18 and she has being to her GP within the last few weeks she also had a hysterectomy 5 years ago are am I looking for excuses .

I don't think this is the time to be afraid, it's a time to discover what's behind this change in personality, and attitude.

Perhaps clues are in her background and upraising, but the facts need to come to light, so they can be resolved. Maybe she is calling for help against something that's bigger than her, I really don't know, but as the mate, you investigate and find out.

What was this retreat about? What are her friends like? Does she work? Are your older kids leaving the house? Are her parents living? Does she have close family near by?

My first thoughts are the on set of menopause. Only a doctor can help with that. Just me, I go to all my wife's doctor appointments, and never wait in the lobby.

I think you need to encourage her to see her gynecologist and a therapist/psychologist. There could be a medical reason for her mood swings that has been ignored and getting worse. I would suggest being as tactful as you can or asking someone like her best friend or trusted relative to mention getting a full check up including hormone levels and discussing the side-effects of menopause.

I also suggest looking into marriage counseling as well as individual counseling. Even if you do end up separating, it can give you a way to learn how to communicate effectively with each other as parents since you do have children involved in this. It may also help her work through her past issues and find that the past isn't a powerful as she seems to feel it is right now.

If she swings back to the loving and happy person again, still look into the medical issues and therapy. Please don't allow it to be ignored because things seem better.

Thanks for the advice ,I understand you can not make someone love you what I don't understand is why she want to lose everything that she use to say was everything she ever wanted e.g family, home,and me and no she has no plan because I have asked which again seems strange .she has also seen her GP these last few weeks and he told her not to rush in to anything .

Yes she do work part time and she has cut off her friends since we have the same group of friends she has both parents living both are chronic alcoholics and living in the area

Do either of you drink?

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she has also seen her GP these last few weeks and he told her not to rush in to anything.

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Did he prescribe anything?

From what you have written, I see a dry drunk, going through menopause, and trying to get a different life, because she is no longer satisfied with the status quo. I doubt this is about you, but the way she feels about herself.

Sorry for the questions though, but I do need the information.

Both of us take a drink but not in excess

And no he did not prescribe anything feel free to ask what questions you like its good to hear what other people think .And she keeps telling me its not me I'm great her words not mine but she just don't love me.

Thanks for the advice,she will not go to counseling as it won't help she said and when she went to retreat lady that was running it gave her a number for psychologist which I thought strange but when I asked more about it she told me she had opened up to this lady with more things than the marriage.

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And she keeps telling me its not me I'm great her words not mine but she just don't love me.

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What she is telling you is I think is she doesn't love herself, so how can she love YOU? She is seeing big changes coming into her life, probably because the kids are growing up, and she no longer has the same motivations or sense of purpose. She is searching for her own relevance. Her own sense of purpose. More questions;

Tell me about your kids, besides the age range 18-7.

A general idea of the work she does and please define in hours what part time is about.

Whats up with this retreat? Is it religious, spiritual? What????

Part time shop assistant 15 hours a week ,kids are all well mannered two youngest in school eldest working and paying his way.The retreat was something where she would get some space to herself with some meditation .

You have little choice but to give her plenty of space, and be a good partner and "room mate" for a while to see where this all leads. Pressing will only piss her off, and being extra nice will not be met with the way you intend it, I don't think.

That's the way I coped with my wife when she lost her freakin' mind, and started down the path of self discovery, and independence. She had something to prove to herself, and its best to stay out of the way, and not get run over, or overwhelmed. Most of all don't let this shake your confidence, and focus on the kids. Don't argue, beg or plead, push or pry, and let her be as independent as she wants to be.

I am not saying put up with blatant disrespect, or bad behavior, just measure your responses, and don't react out of insecurity. Just pay attention, and observe, and I think you will act accordingly.

Don't worry, it will hit you too, and you will be a b***H to live with, more so than she is more than likely. I was, and I guess that was my revenge.

Johnny; Your wife could possibly be in the beginning stages of menopause, aka "THE CHANGE OF LIFE". It is a terrible thing to go through for everone concerned, but the good news is her issues can be medically addressed by her OBGYN and treated. Consider having one of her friends, her Mom, a sister, a good friend will work in having this discussion with her as only women can relate to this time all women go through.

God Bless all women who went through menopause before Hormone treatment.

Best Wishes Johnny.

I can totally relate to your wife. I know how she feels, been there done that. I never really told my husband how I was feeling, I think it's a good sign that she is telling you. (I was a person that was living a life of victim-poor me-and I also had a great husband and kids etc.) What saved my marriage was an amazing personal growth and leadership group. (can I name the company?) I learned so much about myself and why I was feeling and acting the way I was, that I totally began to embrace who I was. We spent money but in the end it turned out to be priceless for me and him.

With all that said some of us need help to understand that life is all about the choices we make. Everything that we do is a choice. Your wife is searching "she was going away to a retreat for a few days". My suggestion Join her in her search. Stay close and support her.

If I can name the company please let me know because they are amazing...

Well as I said she told me something happened her when she was younger that is prevented her being happy now she has just told me she was sexual abused as a child by a family member

Please use the answer this question feature for a detailed comment. Anything she has gone through, has become greatly magnified, and all you can do is stay cool, support her, and be patient until it passes, or she blows up, then you still have to stay cool.