My 20 year old daughter who is a junior at a local college came home over Christmas break and had a meltdown. We sat her down and told her she would have to help with some household chores and that her boyfriend was not allowed to sleep in her bedroom with her. We said he is welcome, but he would have to sleep in a separate bedroom. Her response to us was to pack up her stuff, rail obscenities and hurtful things, insult us and then take off in the nice Ford Focus we bought her for her 16th birthday. She went to stay at her boyfriends parents home until the start of the spring semester. They are okay with it. She has sent me insulting emails still blaming me and her dad for everything and judging our life style and our personalities. Now she has decided to get an apartment near school with her boyfriend and is telling us we should give her the room and board portion we pay the school. She thinks it would save us money and she could then live there 12 months out of the year until she graduates next year. I told her our answer is no. She says we are trying to control her by not giving her the money and therefore forcing her to live in the sorority house. I do not agree. We also asked her to start paying for her own car gas, car insurance and cell phone. We paid for everything and gave her our credit card for emergencies. She is telling me she is an adult and she will do what she wants and can’t understand my hang up. She thinks it is because she is having sex. Well, I’ve know this fact since about six months ago when she told me. I’m not an idiot and I realize her boyfriend practically lives with her at her sorority house. I just don’t think she gets that being an adult means paying all of your own bills. We will pay for her last year of college, as long as she does not continue to be completely disrespectful to us and show us such contempt. She just doesn’t understand that a real adult would not be asking her mother to subsidize living with her boyfriend. She says we are trying to control her and get back at her for what she did over Christmas. I’m just saying if she doesn’t want to live under our roof and our rules then I wish her well, but I’m not going to pay for it. Am I wrong?

Sounds like your daughter wants her "rights" without the responsibilities that go with them.

Your house, your money, your rules. If she doesn't like the rules, she can leave, but she shouldn't expect you to keep giving if she's not giving anything in return (like RESPECT).

You're doing what I'd do. Let her cry... she'll realize she has it good the first time she has to do without something because she can't afford it.

Oh please, stand your ground! And as politely as it sounds you have too! I see the poor results of so many kids who's parents didn't insist on acknowledging the connection between happiness and that bad word, responsibility. She isn't honoring that it is your house, not hers... out of her newfound sense of freedom she gained at school. While this transitional period is almost as rough on some kids as adolescence is, its not reason to abandon sane principles. I think you did the right thing, its okay to disagree and she needs help now learning how to disagree without being disagreeable. How hard would it have been to disagree but comply or disagree and POLITELY make other arrangements? Please continue to be that good example of what an adult is like for her. She still needs it more than you may know, Virg Mom.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by virgm1

My 20 year old daughter who is a junior at a local college came home over Christmas break and had a meltdown. We sat her down and told her she would have to help with some household chores and that her boyfriend was not allowed to sleep in her bedroom with her. We said he is welcome, but he would have to sleep in a separate bedroom. Her response to us was to pack up her stuff, rail obscenities and hurtful things, insult us and then take off in the nice Ford Focus we bought her for her 16th birthday. She went to stay at her boyfriends parents home until the start of the spring semester. They are okay with it. She has sent me insulting emails still blaming me and her dad for everything and judging our life style and our personalities. Now she has decided to get an apartment near school with her boyfriend and is telling us we should give her the room and board portion we pay the school. She thinks it would save us money and she could then live there 12 months out of the year until she graduates next year. I told her our answer is no. She says we are trying to control her by not giving her the money and therefore forcing her to live in the sorority house. I do not agree. We also asked her to start paying for her own car gas, car insurance and cell phone. We paid for everything and gave her our credit card for emergencies. She is telling me she is an adult and she will do what she wants and can’t understand my hang up. She thinks it is because she is having sex. Well, I’ve know this fact since about six months ago when she told me. I’m not an idiot and I realize her boyfriend practically lives with her at her sorority house. I just don’t think she gets that being an adult means paying all of your own bills. We will pay for her last year of college, as long as she does not continue to be completely disrespectful to us and show us such contempt. She just doesn’t understand that a real adult would not be asking her mother to subsidize living with her boyfriend. She says we are trying to control her and get back at her for what she did over Christmas. I’m just saying if she doesn’t want to live under our roof and our rules then I wish her well, but I’m not going to pay for it. Am I wrong?

---

Thank you for your positive words of wisdom. I love my daughter and I do believe I have always tried to treat her as an adult and with respect. I have allowed her to have her college experience without living under a microscope. She tells me that I give her things expecting something in return (money). All I ever wanted in return is some respect and gratitude (no strings attached). She rarely ever comes home during the school year and this is okay. She is busy with her sorority and school activities and homework. If she had made the decision to live with her boyfriend without asking for my financial help, I maybe would not have considered it the smartest thing to do, however, I would have supported her emotionally. I have no problem with her “leaving the nest”. As far as I'm concerned she left the day she stepped foot on campus her freshman year. I knew college would make her grown in more ways than she could imagine and a lot of it would help her find herself. I just wish that this latest “finding her adulthood” didn't have to cost us our relationship

Your absolutely NOT WRONG. She is demanding you pay everything yet she does not take any responsibility at all. You need to stop paying for her gas, her credit card, her rent, her whatever else. The only way to learn responsibility is to let them figure it out on their own and get them to do it on their own.

The thing is some people take a lot longer to grow up then others. Hopefully she figures it out soon or she won't get far in life but that is out of your hands now, since she is an adult now.

Joe

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by virgm1

She is telling me she is an adult and she will do what she wants and can’t understand my hang up.
...
I just don’t think she gets that being an adult means paying all of your own bills.

---

Yep, being an adult means having your own way at your own expense. I think you're being plenty generous to pay her tuition. For the rest of it, tell her she's an adult, and that means paying your own way. You're entirely justified here. Stick to your guns.

You are being far more generous than I would be.

Frankly, after an outburst like that and the "entitlement" attitude she's shown, I would cut her off. I would disconnect the cell phone, cancel the credit card, and not give her one more cent until she was back to apologize for her behaviour.

Let her get a part-time job and a student loan... She'll soon realize how generous you have been.

Everyone seems to be patting you on the back, but I am not going to do that virgm1.

While yes, you are more right than she is, you are not 100% right either.

In terms of the money aspect, your daughter is being a real *** about it.

Frankly, I would stop paying for her gas, insurance, everything until she starts treating you with more respect.

Where you and I differ is you not allowing your daughter and her boyfriend to sleep in the same room.

The logic there confuses me since they are obviously still having sex and she can always just go to his parents house.

I know, people will tell me, its your house, your rules. And to a degree, that is true.

But if you make such arbitrary rules, do you think your daughter will like you for it?

That being said, her reaction is WAY out of line.

And having her do household chores and making her pay for her luxuries…good for you!

I have to disagree with the Captain.

My husband and I lived together for 5 years before we were married. When we went to visit either set of parents, we had the choice of sleeping separately, staying with another relative, or staying at a hotel. Their houses, their rules. We have always abided by that, because then when they visit US, it's OUR house and OUR rules.

I think that's more than fair... and frankly, it's made me respect our parents for sticking to their morals and not being hypocrites because they wanted us to stay with them.

That rule, by the way, is in effect for anyone staying with my parents. They've had out of town unmarried friends come who are THEIR age, and if they aren't married, they don't sleep together.

Just want to add that I agree with all the post so far and you should be congratulated for continuing supporting your daughter in a positive way. Her response was so out of line that I might have been a lot more forceful in helping her be independent, but I appreciate your even tempered response. It takes time but I think in the long run she will be happy you handled things the way you did. Thank God there are still parents like you in the world. Your daughter doesn't realise how lucky she is.

I first want to say thank you for your daughter... she is pathetic in my eyes... I am too 20 years old, and a college student. I have had a boyfriend of 4 years now and when we go home to our parents house rules are rule we do not sleep in the same room... actually at his parents place I'm not even allowed on his lap or other things like that. I attend the ohiostate university... and I have a single widowed mother. She can not afford to pay for me even if she wanted to. Your child needs to understand how lucky she is and she should thank you sincerely for you care for her. I don't want this to be a self pity party or anything but coming from someone who pays for her car, apartment, cell phone, utilites, insurance and all other bills her self... I'm sorry. But I want to tell you your not alone almost all the kids I know who's parents are paying for school look at it as some sort of right... NEWS FLASH ITS NOT YOU JOB!! It is something you have chosen to do to enrich her furture a form of love and support. I could rant about this for hours but I might start screaming crying or even throwing thing haha I just wanted to say thank you because I believe you deserve to hear it.

To virgm1, you are a great role model for me. I can't wait to help out with college for our kids. I hope I can be as strong as you are with your daughter. You are a great mom. She will see that soon. Don't you worry. You are a hero for being strong in my eyes!

When I saw this message, it was like reading what's recently happened in my family. There's no boyfriends involved but nevertheless, my daughter decided to move out after hearing that she was going to pay her way starting next semester. I agree with all you've done. I'm just curious how it is going for you now after a year.

Sorry - I meant after 2 yrs.

We have the same thing going on in our house. Our story is almost exactly the same. We are doing the same by paying for the college for our daughter. With the attitude I am just about ready to delete it all including the cell phone. I sympathize with you this is not the most enjoyable time of our lives. If you agree with what she wants she is as nice as pie if you disagree she is a mean, swearing *@&%). I hope it is hormones because I can't deal with this much longer.

OK, not a blog, OP has not been back in years. Closed