My story is I am separated and have 2 kids ,I am serious about women I don't like girls who put themselves about and have had only 1 real relationships up in till now ,that was my ex wife who I was with since I was 17 up to the age 28 when we separated.. I met this girl 4 years ago and have been together since .we broke up for a month, twice this has happened ,she has 3 kids from 2 different men , I was a small bit jealous at first and cross about this but got over it,but then after 3 months of going out she was saying we should have a kid but I said no, then I find out she was pregnant before her 3 kids by another fella and had a abortion, and then to further my frustration I find out she was raped by her last partner which is the father of 2 of her kids, and also that she had done a lot of drugs when she was younger, now when I met this girl she came across as very sensible and intelligent I no people can have bad luck and such but that s a lot of mistakes, she insists I am the one , the love of her life etc etc but I can't help but feel cross about the whole thing and well you would think if that's the case there would be room for us to build our life, I am 32 and she is 35.I guess I don't want to be number 4 dad ,that is a lot of dads ,lol, we get on really good when this is not in my head and are very happy but it keeps drifting into my head and before any one say s it's the past I all ready no that but it s still there...
Thanks for your answers

So are you saying there is nothing in your past that is a little un-savory? The thing here is, it is in the past, and if you can only dwell on all the horrible things she has done wrong, then she is not the girl for you. She deserves better and you deserve someone who has never made a mistake.

I know you said that you understand people can fall on hard times, but the fact here is, if you can not move on, then you need to let go, and find someone who can meet your needs and expectations from the start. It's not fair to her or you to keep throwing her past in her face. It seems like she may have had a rough go, people turn to drugs sand stay with abusers for different reasons, the only thing that matters now, is how and who she is NOW. Is she a good mom? Is she a good girl friend/friend? Does she do things that make you happy?

Some people choose not to share their skeletons, she trusted you to tell you these things. And some of the things that have happened to her are out of her control. I am assuming you said this:

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to further my frustration I find out she was raped by her last partner

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Because you are frustrated that she was forced in this horrible situation, not because it makes you feel uncomfortable? Some of the things were in her control, like the amount of children she has. This day in age there are just too many birth control options for there to be that many mistakes. How ever, I can see being with one partner, thinking you were going to have a life with that person, having kids, and then getting divorced or split up. Trying to move on, meeting a new person and hoping for the best and having more kids with that person. Things that like that just happen. I don't there there is any man out there who just wants to be a "daddy #4".

I think if a couple purposely sets out to have children with the idea of creating a family, and that family doesn't work out, there is no shame in wanting to start fresh. There are times when a limit must be reached, but that's for the individual person(s) to decide. As long as she is taking care of her kids, she isn't being a drain on society, welfare etc... than I don't see an issue with wanting to have a husband and another kid with that husband.

I guess I am losing sight of the question. What exactly are you asking? Do we think she is a blood thirsty man hunter? No, I don't, but I don't, but I don't know her, and who really can say? Should you have more kids with her? I don't know, do you want more kids? Should you marry her? Do you love her? Want to spend the rest of your life with her? Only you can answer these questions. The one answer I can give is, yes let the past die in the past, and if you can't then let her go and move on.

Thank you Aurora
I guess my question is how can someone have 3 kids with 2 men and a abortion with another man. That s 4 kids 3 fathers, I'm sure you ll agree that would be a bit much. And then tell me I am the love of her life ,see I would be the opposite I would have the kids with the love of my life . That is why I'm hurting confused ? I don't know . I love her to bits but see little room for a complete life. So do I take what I can get and hope I don't regret it when I'm 70 or run I no you can't say weather or which,To be honest I feel wrong for thinking this way, but reading the net it s seams to be a big problem

No one can answer that one except her. Have you talked to her about it? Every situation is different, so to ask why she did what she did, is implausible. We don't know what she was thinking. Was she trying to pin baby #4 on you? From what I gather she asked you to have a baby and you said no, and then she had an abortion? Or did she have the abortion before the two of you met?

Yes it's ideal to have the kids with the one you love. I think most people think or feel that they are in love when they set out to make a family. Young women and men make mistakes, have children at a young age, and then move on with their lives after that, often having more children with another partner. It's a common thing in today's society. Maybe not ideal, but common.

I think you need to decide what you want in a girlfriend/partner.

On one hand, you don't want a woman who was in only one major relationship before you. You bring up your ex-wife and make it sound as though she is childish because she stayed with you for eleven years instead of exploring and experimenting.

On the other hand, you seem to be upset because your current girlfriend did explore and experiment. She had more than one serious relationship that you seem to think makes a girl a woman. However, you don't seem able to handle the reality of her exploration.

I think your own inexperience is showing. You were with your wife until you were 28. You have been with this woman for four years. You are now 32. You went from one serious relationship into another with no time really given to dating and finding out how to handle a 'partner's' past unless there are skeletons in your closet.

Think about this: Your girlfriend wouldn't be the woman she is today if she didn't have the experiences she has been through. Those experiences are what have made her the sensible woman she is today. I am not sure I would call it sensible to ask someone she barely knew to have a child with her, but then I don't know what the context was either and if she was being serious.

She has had four pregnancies by three men. She has three living children by two men. What is so outlandish about that? Why does that strike you as a 'lot' of 'fathers'?

You don't want to be biological daddy number three. Understandable if you don't want children of your own or already have them by your ex. That is something to discuss with your girlfriend.

Being a step-father is a different matter. What is your relationship with her children like now after four years of being around each other? Are you in their life in any way or do you try to ignore them?

I think you are a hypocrite, and a lousy partner myself. How dare you judge another by your own standards when at the same time you have been there enjoying her for 4 years.

If you are having trouble with her past then what the freak are you doing with her in the first place. Oh that's right. She was good enough to make you feel better for 4 years, but not good enough to forgive her past and accept her future.

Leave her to get a real man and have babies and happiness with, because you ain't the one, you have to many issues and baggage, and are content to keep using a flawed human. One as flawed as you.

Wish I could give her advice, because I would tell her that she needs to stop wasting time with someone who ain't in it to win it, and wants the milk, without paying for the cow.

You should be angry at yourself for such a selfish narrow minded view.

Sorry, forgot to give you the harshness warning.

I'm going to put my harshness warning ahead of time.

It's really hard for me to take emotion out of this and replace it with logic.

I will try though...

Somrthing that really bothers me about your post, was that you had stated she has 3 children by 2 different men... Um.. So what?

What's to say that she wasn't in love with them. So, she should be judged by that?

Let's turn the tables here for a second and pretend that it is you that has 3 children from 2 different Mothers. So, a woman, whom you find interesting and care for, and vice versa, should penalize you for that?

To me, she sounds like a good person for taking care of her responsibility as a Mother to all of her children, weather, the Fathers are in the picture or not.

Let me tell you something... the older we all get, the more baggage we have, ESPECIALLY divorced people.

So now, I ask you this... Is she worth it to you to just let her past go and to just be with her, because she's a great person for you? OR, are you going to let a good one go, because of her situation?

Also Mrsmith, I just want to share something with you for a moment.

I am 33, and divorced with two children, AND silly me, fell in love again with another man, and have a child with him. So that make three kiddos, by two different men. I am no longer with either of them.

I consider myself to be a good woman with good morals, and if I EVER were to date a man, where he threw this up to me or judged me, then I would say bu bye, don't let the door hit you in your a$$!

My kids are my joy, just as hers are to her, so make up your mind and stick with it!

If you do stay with her, then DO NOT ever use that as leverage in an argument or against her.

Make sense?

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Youa re a good woman, and my dear you have excellent, morales. Great post and from a woman in the same perspective.

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Gawd, WG would have a hay day with this one. Heheh.

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Originally Posted by Aurora_Bell

Gawd, WG would have a hay day with this one. Heheh.

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Lol Funny and true!

Good not in legal so I can give an opinion.

Leave her, she deserves someone better than you.

Her past is just that, her past, you judge her by who she is not, not by what or how she used to do things, people do change, mature and change values.

If she was a hooker and sleep with 200 men, but changed to be true to you and love only you, who cares what she did before.

You sound so narrowed minded and appear to be trying to justify your desire to leave her.

Ok let me start here.. I had a girlfriend myself who had been living with different men since she was 17 yrs old. She had children from a latin man, italian man, and a black man. Plus she was married to a caucasian man. I made the mistake of falling in love with her. Where the f#$%k are my morales? That's what I asked myself one day when she brought all her family pictures. To top it off she was still supporting all these kids from different fathers and they were all grown up already. It's sad to say that her daughter has two small children out of wedlock from a black man. My goodness what was going to happen when I would marry this girl? Did I really want all these races coming to my wedding? I'm sorry but c'mone all these men. Seems to me that my ex was just being a little hole. On top of that, when she separated from them there were boyfriends in between. What would a woman think of a man who had kids from different races? EXACTLY ! I've only been married once and have two grown children from the same mother. So MRS. SMITH 500 get rid of her. Those weren't mistakes she was making being with them men. Obviously if you've been in a marriage three, four, or five times you can't hold a marriage. Yes this ex of mine was very kind and was smart but I don't want to take a picture of me and her to be mocked by all the men she's had in her life. I do love her a lot and she loves me but I love myself more.

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Originally Posted by Enigma1999
Also Mrsmith, I just want to share something with you for a moment.

I am 33, and divorced with two children, AND silly me, fell in love again with another man, and have a child with him. So that make three kiddos, by two different men. I am no longer with either of them.

I consider myself to be a good woman with good morals, and if I EVER were to date a man, where he threw this up to me or judged me, then I would say bu bye, don't let the door hit you in your a$$!

My kids are my joy, just as hers are to her, so make up your mind and stick with it!

If you do stay with her, then DO NOT ever use that as leverage in an argument or against her.

Make sense?

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Wow obviously it was all about you! What about the children's daddy? Tie your tubes honey I'm sure I know why you aren't with these two men.

Mkay.. First of all, you don't know what the situation is. For all you know my children's father could have been hit and killed by a drunk driver. You have no idea what even happened.

Secondly, mrsmith has to realize is that his girlfriend has her past, so either he needs to get over it and be with her, or move on and stop wasting her time.

Telling him to get rid of her, well, again, you don't know his situation.
Also, considering you are new to the site, and perhaps a little incompetent I will give you the benefit of the doubt.

If you want to be in good standing, then I suggest you don't insult the membets.

Everyone (well almost everyone) had amazing advice but I couldn't "agree" to a couple because apparently I give out too many "agree"s :)

Anyway, mrsmith, I can't add to what people have said. If you can't let go of her past, then you need to let her go. The relationship is doomed now if you refuse to accept that she has a past that has made her into the wonderful woman she is today.

Edward, I don't agree with your post on so many levels. You come off bigoted and hateful. Perhaps you didn't mean to come off that way, but your post is shocking.

Edward, wow. Did you mean to sound like a condescending A$$? Or is that something that just naturally comes out? Your post is so back woods, old fashioned, and just plain racist. Have you ever heard the bible quote "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone"? Even if you're not a religious person, it's a great motto to live by. You should consider that.

Edward, wow! You're a bigot, a racist, a woman hater, and worse. At least judging by your post.

I can only congratulate the woman you left, she's much better off. I hope she realizes it.

For you, I have no advice. You're obviously too old to change your ways. Sadly, because of that, you'll probably never find love, and you'll die alone.

To the OP, the past is the past, either accept it, live with it, love her despite it, or move on and let her find a man worthy of her love.