Ask Me Help Desk - Our 21 year old daughter is on the wrong path.

How can I help our 21 year old daughter? She lives outside in her own little house in front of ours. I wish we never built it because I think this gives her more reason NOT to do much in life. She hangs out with the wrong want to be bad people. The deal was to go to community college & get decent grades & we her parents will pay her way. She bought her own car but got to many tickets & now guess who's driving her since we live in the tullies & no buses available. She did buy her own car with her own money when she was younger & more driven. She was always the honor student but not anymore. She's on the fence & I fear she's falling on the wrong side. She comes in & get her food & dinner (if she wants it) from my house & walks it to her house. My husband thinks that's the way it should be & I think she should learn to grocery shop like she's living on her own without us around. I just found her grades in her room (she doesn't mind me coming in btw) & it's not good! She lies a lot when we question her & she hates being treated like a child yet nothing gets done unless we bug her to get it done. I know the previous smart girl is in there but where? Geeezzzz maybe because it's in my face everyday I'm more critical then when I was her age. I had moved at in my Senior year of HS due to my parents always bickering over me so I left & worked & felt ready to do all those mature things but I fear we've spoiled our kids too much with today's electronic gifts at Christmas & Birthday from us & relatives yadda yadda. I never had anything so I polish & love my belongings. She's slowly going down hill since 16 partying, drugs & jail a couple of times for DUI's. I would love for her to join the military or something! I've put her on the pray list, I've taken her to counseling, I've went to counseling, I've blamed my husband & He's blamed me. Our son turned out well but don't really know what's up with this rebellious one? It's like she was born with "no fear" always has to be the one to try it or tell someone off because she's always right & everybody else is wrong. OK I'm done... sorry for rambling I'm just exhausted & want to runaway myself. Anybody relate to this & what did you do to get your adult child on track? Thanks so much!

Your husband is going to keep blaming you, and that sets firmly his position, that things are fine the way they are. You are going to keep blaming him, and that sets your position that as long as you and your husband are at odds, chances are nobody is going to force any postitive change for your daughter.

Already been in jail for DUI's? Trouble started for this one a long time ago.

I understand your frustration because she has in the past shown what she is capable of, at least in school. But, just a guess here, alcohol or drugs seems to be a part of the problem as well. There has to be a reason why she has lost all ambition in life, and doesn't feel the need to go anywhere, or do anything with her life.

Until you and your husband are on the same page, nothing will change. If you boot her butt out, he will be resentful and you'll remain at odds with each other when she calls home, or comes home for money, food, etc. If he has his way, you will continue to know something has to be done, but without his support and a clear plan- with you- you are fighting a battle with him, and with her.

My advice to you is to seek counselling for both you, and your husband. Find a way to negotiate a reasonable set of expectations, and learn how to go about enforcing them. It may not be as difficult as he thinks, and he will most likely see that doing nothing, is actually harmful for her development. Sometimes counselling will assist in being the middle man in a way, to bring forward opposing sides, and find a compromise.

Otherwise,it is one of those situations, sadly, that is 'united we stand' or 'divided we fall'.

My husband & I try to work together & have sought counseling on how to parent as a couple. Our daughter keeps coming up with new & different issues. She definitely keeps up on our toes. She was 4 when she just jumped in the deep end & then was mad because daddy pulled her by her hair (to keep her from drowning) & it's been like this every since.

We don't want to boot her out this will add to her deliquency with the wrong friends. She does seem to listen to dad more than mom. Thank you for your comments :)

I have been challenged with one of my own, for many years. With us, it turned out that there were serious mental health issues, and those issues were what caused some very bad behaviour. At the time, it seemed like deliberate and extreme rebellion, but we know better now.

Have you considered seeing if she would see a mental health professional? Perhaps a few visits to a Psychiatrist? If she is willing, be prepared with as much information as you can possibly provide- in advance and include incidents, consequences, changes in behaviour, drug use, what you see as personality changes, mood/anger/depressive episodes etc. Give as many examples as you can. She will not likely see her history the same way you do, but it is important that YOUR side of the coin is given due consideration in order to balance out what might possibly be going on here.

Your input will make a difference. I learned the hard way (again) to jump in with both feet, even if they were in my mouth, and make sure that there was enough balanced information, in order for there to be a reasonable and appropriate assessment done. I had done a very complete history and pulled out school records, medical records, and used photograph albums to help jog my memory of events that, although seemed trivial and inconsequential at the time, were later seen as problematic. I learned to identify 'cookie cutter' professionals, from those with talent and insight. If they don't see the value of knowing a complete history, keep knocking on doors.

You may wish to consider, if she's willing, to have a complete physical as well.

After those things are exhausted, and you've truly covered any and all bases, only then would I advise you to do the 'tough love' thing. You may just save yourself, your husband, and your daughter a tremendous amount of grief, if indeed, her situation is more complicated than her just being lazy and unproductive and unmotivated.

Please keep us informed.

Never give up.

Thank you Jake2008's! You do see our situation. I think our daughter has some issues. I question these different "times" all the time. Wondering Why? When? Was it when she fell off the play structure in 6th grade & hit her temple but didn't go to the Dr. because it didn't seem that serious or was it the High School since we came from a little elementary school. She was very popular in 8th grade & I feel since she has some mental disorder it kept her from being able to stay friends with these "preppy" kids & she turned to the "Losers" because it was easier to maintain a sense of power since she was the overachiever (then). She play Classical Piano & was a Ballerina. Now I have to bribe her to play piano (so she doesn't forget how to play). She's good with Languages (Math, Spanish & Piano are all languages). She is gifted but hangs out with want to be G a n g types. It must be the excitement or something (drugs?). She just not outgrowing it. I will set up a physical.

Try your best to stay objective, and I know how hard it is. It isn't uncommon for children entering high school, to have previously undiagnosed problems. Many illness do not come to light until that age, because, in my opinion, their behaviour was well managed with discipline, prior to grade 9. Once they enter that stage of making appropriate choices for themselves, many falter, and it isn't always 'just' defiance or spreading their independence wings. So many struggle with just feeling comfortable in their own skin; add to that any other problems that may be there, it makes everything that much more difficult, when outwardly, it doesn't seem like it should.

Speaking for myself, when I did finally have answers that made sense, it was hard to accept, but, at the same time, I finally understood what was going on, and then went from there. For you right now, making choices to rule out mental illness, or anything else, is the new starting point. Eliminate all you can, and I'm sure you will be more than able to deal with what is left, whatever that is.

She is very lucky to have you in her corner.

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Originally Posted by WorriedMom21

She lies a lot when we question her & she hates being treated like a child yet nothing gets done unless we bug her to get it done. I know the previous smart girl is in there but where?

A couple problems: 1) you're completely unreasonable for expecting a 21-year-old adult to dignify your interrogations with honest answers. Moreover, she doesn't have to tell you squat no matter how nicely you ask, she's a woman, not a child. 2) if nothing gets done, then nothing gets done, and whatever it is that isn't getting done is her problem not yours. And if by the off-chance you were referring to chores or rent, then you need to give her the heave ho. Let me reiterate: the girl in question is 21.

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Originally Posted by WorriedMom21

Geeezzzz maybe because it's in my face everyday I'm more critical then when I was her age.

So, you admit you're critical, and yet you ask us why your daughter doesn't meet your expectations.

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Originally Posted by WorriedMom21

I fear we've spoiled our kids too much with todays electronic gifts at Christmas & Birthday from us & relatives yadda yadda. I never had anything so I polish & love my belongings.

No, that's just a copout for bad parenting that old generation tells to the young generation. I'm sure your parents said the same thing.

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Originally Posted by WorriedMom21

Now I have to bribe her to play piano (so she doesn't forget how to play)

Nice try in masking your benefit with hers. If she wanted to play piano, she would without your coxing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WorriedMom21

She is gifted but hangs out with wanna be G a n g types. It must be the excitement or something (drugs?). She just not outgrowing it. I will set up a physical.

Not outgrowing it? She's 21, she just reached the legal drinking age. Prepare for another several years of this unruly behavior. And don't set up a physical.

You're smothering your daughter. Realize she's 21 and is legally emancipated or whatever that fancy word is. If you will only criticize and antagonize your daughter, then you need her out of your life. I suggest you force her to move off your property and far from you. It's clear that your strained relationship with your daughter is causing you stress—we can tell by the frantic tone of your post.

Best of luck.