To make a long story short; the family member who's disruptive is my boyfriend's sister in law and we don't know what to do. His family is chinese and she's very traditional and so she's going by those rules and so forth. She married his oldest brother in February 2004 and his father welcomed her into the family and everything. Unfortunately, his brother died in August 2005 and she's still living there; not paying any rent or any money whatsoever and she hardly helps out around the house and constantly gets into arguments with his mother. From day one, they didn't get along but it seems that ever since she lost her husband; it's been getting worse.

My boyfriend's father almost died in September 2005 but he recovered though his one lung is not as strong as it used to be and so he has to be very careful and is using oxygen all of the time. He doesn't need all of this stress and hearing those two go at it all of the time. His wife has always been that way so they are used to it but his daughter in law can't understand why we tolerate her and her crazy ways.

So, what I want to know is how do we get the daughter in law to leave. According to her, she married the oldest so the house is also hers and she's not leaving. My boyfriend's father tried reasoning with her but she tells him off too. She has no respect for them at all.
She takes control of almost everything even though they let her live there and let her use everything. She's not welcomed at all and she's not happy so, why live there?

If it was me, I would've left a long time ago. My boyfriend says that his father is afraid of her and what she might do. He wants to do something but he and/or his father have to be careful about how to do it because we don't want it to get really ugly.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank You! :(

Wow Concerned, I was reviewing all the unanswered questions on the site and came across yours. I am sorry that you seemed to have slipped through the cracks. That sometimes happens. I am answering because I didn't want you to feel ignored.

First let me say that you are a wonderful girlfriend to be so concerned about your b/f's parents. I am sorry his dad's health is so bad. It sounds like their daughter-in-law is a real user and lunatic.

I really need to think on this one. It is a bit of a mess. I will give this some thought tonight and see if I can think of some constructive advice and hopefully will get back to you tomorrow.

In the meantime, my answering your question should bring your post back up to the front of the pile here. Other people will now see it and hopefully someone else will pick it up and give some solid advice.

I have given this a bit of thought overnight.

First things first. Even though they are traditional Chinese, she cannot claim as you state she does, that "she married the oldest so the house is also hers and she's not leaving." This does not hold up under Canadian Law. She is speaking of traditional law. There is no written law where you live that will back up her position. She is manipulating her in-laws with something that they are afraid to argue with her about because she knows how traditional they are.

What was making this so difficult for me is your statement:
My boyfriend says that his father is afraid of her and what she might do. He wants to do something but he and/or his father have to be careful about how to do it because we don't want it to get really ugly.

We don't want to cause your boyfriends father any more stress than he is already under and we don't want to see the sister-in-law possibly escalating her abuse.

As an FYI, they have no legal obligation to her. She does not pay rent and they have most kindly provided a roof over her head. This comes down to how much of a moral obligation do they feel they have. Personally, I do not feel that there is one. She was married to the brother for a short period. Is she as traditional as they are? At her age, I highly doubt it. She is using their guilt and traditional laws as a weapon against them.

Where are her parents in all of this? Is there any way that your boyfriend can get her parents over to his parents home? The four parents should have a traditional in-law discussion. Her parents need to see how ill your boyfriend's father is. If the father is fully recovered, your boyfriend should stress that he needs to act like he is still very ill. This girl need to be sent out of the room while they have the discussion. If your boyfriends parents can come up with a plan to convince her parents that this is not a proper situation, that she is a disruptive influence in their lives, and his health is deteriorating from this stress, her parents will take matters into their own hands and drag her out of there. She won't be able to argue or talk her way out of that.

If this does not work, my advice would be to have your boyfriend and his parents, seek out the advice of an attorney. They do not usually charge for an initial consultation. He and his parents can express their concerns of retaliation on her part and he might be able to find a legal manuevering that will scare her enough to force her to move out and back off.

I hope this helps.

Thanks for all of your advice but what it comes down to is that something has to be done; but they have to be careful so that it doesn't get really ugly and nasty. My boyfriend has contacted a lawyer and he told him that, first they should try and work it out among themselves. If that doesn't solve anything then he should call him back and they will arrange to send her a registered letter telling and/or asking her to leave.

As my boyfriend keeps telling me and others; is that his father has to have the final say in what they do unless he gives my boyfriend the authorization to take control of the situation. I will keep you posted as I find out more.

Thanks Again!

I think the lawyer was a smart way to go. That way she can not only vent her anger in that direction but it means the home owner is serious about it. Sometimes a bully will back down when you come with that kind of fire power. It is a tense situation, yes. Be prepared to call the police at the first sign of physical violence. Emotionally back the boyfriend to emotionally support his father in this and stay the course until she is gone. Please do keep us posted. Good luck in ending it asap.

Hi Concerned. As I said in my first post, you are a wonderful girlfriend. Just continue to be as supportive as Valinors suggests. Your boyfriend is right. We can all give advice and input, but this is his parents problem. If his father chooses to do nothing, there is not much anyone can do. Hopefully, your boyfriend will be able to convince his father to put this girl out on the doorstep.

Also as Valinors suggests, do keep us posted. I am curious as to how this is resolved. Good Luck! :)

Just a thought, and maybe this is to extreem. But if the daughter in law is living with the in laws and it's there house. Can't they just change the locks while she isn't there? She can't get a lock smith if her name isn't on the house. Then if she becomes violent, they could get a restraining order. I know this would all be very stressful on the sick father. But I would definitely think that she can't stay there if they don't want her there?
Sounds like you are all trying to be tackful and do what is best for the father. And getting a lawyer was a great idea. Maybe have a heart to heart with the father and tell him you talked to an lawyer for him and you want to help him get her out. Maybe it would relieve his stress to know his family is helping out with the unfortunate situation. Good luck!! I hope it all get's resolved for you all. And for the sake of your boyfriends father and his health.

He needs to go get a restraining order of protection against her, seek a attorney or lawyer, have the police notified and be made aware of the circumstances. I don't know if in your state or country if they have been living in home if you have to give legal eviction or not. PLEASE do seek a lawyer who knows the laws regarding this matter and the most quick means to evict her. I hope all turns out for the best for and it is time this woman left them to be on her own.

Of course you did not say where you live, if you live in China she may have a claim to the house,

And no she is not traditional chinese since respect of the elders is more important than life itself to the traditional people.

She is an american free loader who is trying to trick her way into the house and stay.

The home owners ( mother and father) have to tell her to leave and if she will not leave they evict her in court. Nothing hard, they just have to do it