Ask Me Help Desk - Teenage Son is Very Disrespectful

My ex and I have been divorced for about 10 years and have a 14 year old son. We have shared custody and my son has been living week on week off. This summer, our son got into some trouble with drugs and the wrong crowd. In the fall, the bad behaviour continued and his grades dropped.

Although, he has always been somewhat disrespectful to me, he was even worse during this time, telling me to f*** off, etc. He NEVER speaks this way to his dad. We decided that to give him more continuity during school, he would live with his dad during school weeks, then come to my house on every second weekend and one night per week for dinner. Our son wanted to go back to the week on week off set-up next summer.

Lately, his disrespect has gotten much worse, so I told him he should go live with his dad for now because he is wearing me out.

His father cares a lot for him but over the years has himself shown me a lot of disrespect and I'm sure that's where my son learned to do the same. I wish for once my ex would stand up and defend me when my son gets abusive.

Now, my ex says that if our son is to live with him full time then he wants to cancel support to me and he wants me to pay him support even though he said he doesn't need it.

I'm not that worried about the support but the fact the my son and I aren't speaking breaks my heart... I'm not sure what I should do, if anything?? When my son is in the house, I feel heavy-hearted and depressed. When he is not here, I feel light and clear-headed... this makes me feel guilty.

You might have had a difficult life, sorry about that...
Never late to improve the relationship. But first you might work on your own self-esteem and sense of happiness. Only after your son sees that you become respecting yourself he will begin changing his attitude for better.
It is hard for your son to see you heavy-hearted and depressed. Teenagers can't stand unhappiness. You must become looking (and feeling) happy and successful so your son will turn back to you with interest. So, since you ex. Is willing to take full time parenthood, why not to look for a good changes in your life, put your full energy for making your life happy and maybe find a new activity, creativity, something you have always dreamed about? The sense of guilt will leave you if you realise that you are doing that for the sake of a great changes and eventually getting your son (son's soul) back!

Quote:

Originally Posted by irish eyes 11

Although, he has always been somewhat disrespectful to me,

I am sorry that you have arrived at this situation. However, I don't know a parent that had a child that didn't respect them when they were little and started to respect them when they became a teenager...

I find it troubling that parents don't assume that an unruly 6 year old wouldn't become an out of control 16 year old. I don't know what the solution is for your problem... because your son is not used to respecting you and that is a very big problem. I hope others will read your post and realize that it is VITAL! To start your kids off at a young age with the understanding that you are the parent and they are the child and no matter what they will and must respect you as their parent... New parents lay down the law! I am not suggesting abuse, but please raise your children up in a fashion that when they get older they will give you rest. God Bless!

Quote:

Originally Posted by irish eyes 11

My ex and I have been divorced for about 10 years and have a 14 year old son. We have shared custody and my son has been living week on week off. This summer, our son got into some trouble with drugs and the wrong crowd. In the fall, the bad behaviour continued and his grades dropped.

Although, he has always been somewhat disrespectful to me, he was even worse during this time, telling me to f*** off, etc. He NEVER speaks this way to his dad. We decided that to give him more continuity during school, he would live with his dad during school weeks, then come to my house on every second weekend and one night per week for dinner. Our son wanted to go back to the week on week off set-up next summer.

Lately, his disrespect has gotten much worse, so I told him he should go live with his dad for now because he is wearing me out.

His father cares a lot for him but over the years has himself shown me a lot of disrespect and I'm sure that's where my son learned to do the same. I wish for once my ex would stand up and defend me when my son gets abusive.

Now, my ex says that if our son is to live with him full time then he wants to cancel support to me and he wants me to pay him support even though he said he doesn't need it.

I'm not that worried about the support but the fact the my son and I aren't speaking breaks my heart...I'm not sure what I should do, if anything??? When my son is in the house, I feel heavy-hearted and depressed. When he is not here, I feel light and clear-headed...this makes me feel guilty.

It's never too late to begin demanding respect from your son, but that is exactly what you need to start doing. Your son has watched his father be disrespectful towards you and now is testing the limits to see if he can get away with it too. This may also be a way (although negative and inappropriate) that he is channeling some of his frustration with this situation. You can't expect your ex to fix this situation for you. You need to tell your son what kind of treatment you expect and stick to your guns. Right now he probably sees that he can play the divorce card with you to make you feel guilty and like if you don't give in, he can always just live with his dad. But that can't be an excuse for his behavior. He will have to see that if he chooses not to respect you, he cannot have whatever privelage you give him (computer, cell phone, etc.). It's time for your son to see that you are the adult and that means you are in charge and not him. I think your ex also tries to control you with the same threatening behavior (making you pay support, etc.) don't let that get the best of you. Decide what you want and deserve, draw the line, and stick to what you say! Best of luck!

I have a 14 yr old who has been very disrespectful to me. He calls me names, doesn't help at all and if he doesn't get his way, even threatens to hurt , he makes life for everyone(myself, sister, brother)miserable! I felt like he was really power tripping from this bully like, abusive behaviour. I spoke to him several times about his behaviour and said that there would be consequences to his action, similar to those he would receive if he was abusive to someone else. I never threatened to send him to his dad because it confirms weakness on our part. These teenagers need to know that we mean business and that we aren't going to send them off to the 'stronger' parent, that we can discipline and that they need to respect us and our rules! My son continued this abusive type behaviour towards me and I phoned the police and asked if an officer would come speak to my son in the home about his abusive ways. Well, two huge officers came over and sat my son down at the kitchen table and absolutely tore a strip off him. They went on that they have zero tolerance for men who are abusive to women, that he could be sent to juvi hall for 6 months should I call back and report another incident. They took down all his information and told him that if they get another call whether it was from me, sister, classmate, stranger, etc... they would arrest him. He was absolutely terrified! He was still shaking and crying an hour after they left! From that day on he choose his words wisely; he would catch himself before responding rudely and over all was more respectful. We still butt heads here and there, however, he is definitely more respectful!

Quote:

Originally Posted by gfofstuart

I have a 14 yr old who has been very disrespectful to me. He calls me names, doesn't help at all and if he doesn't get his way, even threatens to hurt , he makes life for everyone(myself, sister, brother)miserable! I felt like he was really power tripping from this bully like, abusive behaviour. I spoke to him several times about his behaviour and said that there would be consequences to his action, similar to those he would receive if he was abusive to someone else. I never threatened to send him to his dad because it confirms weakness on our part. These teenagers need to know that we mean business and that we aren't going to send them off to the 'stronger' parent, that we can discipline and that they need to respect us and our rules! My son continued this abusive type behaviour towards me and I phoned the police and asked if an officer would come speak to my son in the home about his abusive ways. Well, two huge officers came over and sat my son down at the kitchen table and absolutely tore a strip off of him. They went on that they have zero tolerance for men who are abusive to women, that he could be sent to juvi hall for 6 months should I call back and report another incident. They took down all his information and told him that if they get another call whether it was from me, sister, classmate, stranger, etc... They would arrest him. He was absolutely terrified! He was still shaking and crying an hour after they left! From that day on he choose his words wisely; he would catch himself before responding rudely and over all was more respectful. We still butt heads here and there, however, he is definitely more respectful!

That is very good advice!