Ask Me Help Desk - I've been faking it.

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 and a half years. He is the first and only person I have ever been intimate with. I started dating him when I was 15, and lost my virginity to him when I was 16. Since I was so young, I started to fake orgasms with him as I did not know any better. I enjoy having sex, but I have never been able to have an orgasm with him or even on my own. I have tried everything I can think of. On his part, time and effort are not a problem, it just never happens. However, I also don't know if he's comparable or not to other men. Regardless, almost seven years later, I am now 22, and no success. We have an amazing relationship everywhere else. I have continued faking my orgasms because I know he enjoys it and I am afraid to admit that I had been faking in case he doesn't understand and takes it to personally. I must admit though I am getting extremely tired of the fake-ness and effort of putting on a show every time. I have no idea how I can even go about this situation, or if I should even mention it. I am afraid it will ruin our relationship as he is prone to being self conscious as he feels, not to be conceited, that I am the settler in our relationship in concern to looks. I love him to death, but I am afraid that there is no positive outcome for my dilemma. I would just like some opinions before I decide .

For a female, orgasms occur because of what is going on in her brain. Have you read any books on human sexuality? Have you tried sensate focus?

Or is your question really wondering how sex would be with a different male?

Most of my post was background information so that people can understand my specific situation. My question is if I should tell him the truth and risk our relationship imploding on itself, or if I should just grin and bear the fake performances. I am torn.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jules1919

Most of my post was background information so that people can understand my specific situation. My question is if i should tell him the truth and risk our relationship imploding on itself, or if I should just grin and bear the fake performances. I am torn.

This is obviously bothering you, and if you don't talk to him about it, and nothing changes, then the situation will get worse, not better.

Sit down with him, tell him what you told us. Make sure he knows that it's not him, that you have no idea how to bring yourself to orgasm either, and you just faked it because you thought it would make him happy.

You need to learn your body. Most 22 year olds have no idea how their bodies work. Read up on it, together. Explore new possibilities. Maybe invest in some toys. Most of all, have fun trying new things, and learn to relax.

I have a feeling that once you tell him the truth, you'll be able to relax enough, enjoy sex (without having to worry about performing), enough to orgasm.

This is most likely what's holding you back.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jules1919

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 and a half years. He is the first and only person I have ever been intimate with. I started dating him when I was 15, and lost my virginity to him when i was 16. Since I was so young, I started to fake orgasms with him as I did not know any better. I enjoy having sex, but I have never been able to have an orgasm with him or even on my own. I have tried everything I can think of. On his part, time and effort are not a problem, it just never happens. However, I also don't know if hes comparable or not to other men. Regardless, almost seven years later, i am now 22, and no success. We have an amazing relationship everywhere else. I have continued faking my orgasms because I know he enjoys it and I am afraid to admit that I had been faking in case he doesn't understand and takes it to personally. I must admit though I am getting extremely tired of the fake-ness and effort of putting on a show every time. I have no idea how I can even go about this situation, or if i should even mention it. I am afraid it will ruin our relationship as he is prone to being self conscious as he feels, not to be conceited, that I am the settler in our relationship in concern to looks. I love him to death, but i am afraid that there is no positive outcome for my dilemma. I would just like some opinions before i decide .

You need to stop faking it.

I can't even imagine faking it, let alone for as long as you did. I guess I am too demanding for that orgasm to fake it.

You need to be truthful to him, in any situation. Not just sex, but everything.

Yes. This will bother him I am sure, however, faking it won't solve anything.

Can he get you off with his tongue? Or fingers? Have you EVER had an orgasm?

No I have never had an orgasm ever, not even by myself. And it's not for a lack of trying. Ive spend hours at it, in countless different scenarios. And my and my boyfriend are intimate on average 4-5 times a week. I'm starting to think my body is possibly not able to reach a climax at all.

No... you're just focusing too much on the orgasm.

It's not about the destination--it's about enjoying the journey.

If you don't stop focusing on the orgasm, you will NEVER have one. EVER.

Get books. Read about sensuality.

Most of all--stop lying to him and to yourself. If you remove the GOAL of having an orgasm and just go back to enjoying what's happening, your orgasm will come eventually. But you need to masturbate because you enjoy it and want to enjoy your own body---NOT because you're trying to orgasm.

The subject has been well covered by the previous people.

I would just add that it is not uncommon for females not to have orgasms until the mid twenties .

It may be that some require the added mental maturity only experience and time can add, to be able to climax.

I will also add that I agree with everyone and the truth is the best way to handle this with him.