My boyfriends (age 35) mom just died unexpectedly 3 weeks ago. Him and I live together. I have been there for him since it happened, I got him 2 states away for the funeral, I spend my entire paycheck on this, I have "been there" for him emotionally, and catering to his every whim and need.I took an emergency week and 1/2 off from my job to go be with him and his family 2 states away. I have stayed up all night to 'be there' for him and have been nothing but sweet, nice, and not asking for anything in return. But he is actually MEAN to me. He has cut me off completely emotionally. If I say anything to him, he will sigh and yell at me. He does not want to be around me and acts like he HATES me. He won't look at me, acknowledge that I am near, or talk to me. If I try to help him out with anything at all, he does not say thank you - he just ends up yelling at me and implying that I am malicious. We are supposed to move together (to another state) in a month and I am thinking of not going, but just letting him go.
The thing is, we have been together for a while. I love him very much and wanted to spend my life with him. But he has turned our house into a dark, depressing, very negative, VERY HOSTILE place to be. I don't even want to be home anymore. He just ignores me and even if I ask him for a hug, he will sigh and yell "jesus christ, leave me alone" and stuff like that. He also throws it in my face that his mother just died. Like if I ask him if he wants to join me for a movie, he will say something like 'Goddamit, my mother is barely in the ground, do you think I care about a movie?" He has said "dead mother" and "my mother is barely in the ground" to me many times - like throwing it in my face and implying I'm being malicious or insensitive.
I am getting no appreciation or even a friendship from him. He is just mean; and I am thinking of just letting him go. I don't want to leave him during this devastating time, and I love him -- but I don't deserve what I am getting in return. I don't feel love, caring, friendship from him. I feel anger and hostility and like he hates me.
I will be upset if he moves to San Francisco without me, because him and I have talked about moving there for a year, and we are supposed to do this next month. I don't want to be stuck here where I live (I don't like it), but I don't want to be around such hostility either. He is making myself esteem and self worth suffer and I'm becoming depressed that I'm trying SO hard to be there for him and help him, but he treats me like I'm some sort of monster who he hates.
When he is around ANYONE else, his friends, anyone - he is laughing, conversation, and totally nice and fine to them.

He is being psyched out because of his loss. He needs his time to mourn. Leave him alone if that's what he wants. Tell him that he should understand you were always there and always will be. That would be enough.

His mother just died. He puts on a performance for friends, but you are his safe place to fall, someone he can trust to love him no matter how he behaves. (Actually, that's quite a compliment!)

I suggest you back off and just do your own thing. Be nice to him but not cloyingly so. They say it takes at least a year of grieving and going through all the memories and regrets and anniversaries before the one left behind can begin to paddle out of the morass he's been in. He'll be going through the five stages of grief -- in order, out of order, over and over again -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. (Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia)

It sounds like right now he's angry. He feels he somehow lost control and his mother died. He wants to blame someone, something. He may blame himself or you or God. You never think of your parents dying, and she did it unexpectedly, with no warning. He can't blame her, but... but... but -- how dare she die and leave him!

Be prepared for the other stages as he bounces around from one into another. He may even reach a place of acceptance, but don't think he's past his grief. It can come roaring back with no notice. He's going to be on an emotional rollercoaster for a while.

How can the two of you honor her memory?

Can San Francisco wait? He might not want to go, or maybe he will want to get away to "start over" and clear his head.

Will you be able to continue to be his soft place to fall?

Its important that you allow him to grieve in his own way, without feeling a lack of appreciation, or hostility at his vents, or rants. Don't take it personally, he is deeply hurt, and all things are on hold until he recovers sufficiently.

That's the best way to help him cope, let him do it in his way, not yours, as all he feels is his own pain. Back off, and stay calm yourself. First time experience with this kind of thing, huh?

Hello. BellaSinclair I cried reading your story, I am going through the same thing as you are. We just laid her to rest July 27, 2011 and it's been donwhill since. Yes! I have read the stages of gried but nothing prepared me for this part. Like you BellaSinclair myself esteem and everything else mentally and physically I am starting to drained out. Members! Is there a way for members to contact other members individually?

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Originally Posted by sf49girl

Is there a way for members to contact other members individually?

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It is against the site's policy to contact other members off the board. All questions, answers, and conversations must remain on the board. ;)

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Originally Posted by J_9

It is against the site's policy to contact other members off of the board. All questions, answers, and conversations must remain on the board. ;)

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thank you. I wish I can contact Bellasinclair, her story is what I am going through righ now.