Ask Me Help Desk - I think my girlfriend is asexual..

I've been dating this girl for 2 years now and as we got to know each other she revealed to me that she's never had a sexual fantasy. She doesn't know what to do in sex or how to be sexy and she never wants it. I tried sharing my fantasies but then she came back with "i've never had one." so I'm guessing she's asexual. We never have sex and now its so frustrating that I'm at the point where I want to break up with her. I love her very much but this whole not connecting thing with sex is killing me. Does anyone know what I can do to help our relationship?

Hello B:

So, you TALKED for two years... THAT'S how you found out?? You didn't realize that she DIDN'T respond when you kissed her? You couldn't tell that she wasn't wet when you petted with her?

Or, are those things you NEVER did in TWO years? Maybe you're asexual too.

excon

Due to posting restrictions on the Adult Sexuality board, we need your age before we can answer your question.

We have had sex. And no I am not asexual. I'm 20 years old.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BCGodbud

we have had sex. and no i am not asexual. i'm 20 years old. jesus christ you douche bags didn't have to be so mean.

Hello again, Goodbud:

I wasn't being mean.. I was just wondering how come it took you so long to find this out?

excon

We have had sex many times, and it didn't take this long to find out I've just been putting up with it for a while. She has lost her drive and doesn't know how to be sexy. I found it really weird that she has never had a fantasy she's 21 and I figured by then she would have. She doesn't really masturbate maybe one in a blue moon. I love her very much and want to stay with her but its so miserable when it comes to sex.

Hello again, goodsmoke:

Usually it's the women who have to train their men. In your case, you're going to have to do it. I DON'T know how to tell you to TEACH her, but you're the only guy there.

Do you perform oral sex on her? Does she orgasm? Does she LIKE it? Does she SAY anything about it? Does she EVER orgasm?

I don't know what's lacking... But, what most MEN think a chick wants, is NOT what a chick wants... Instead of renting your regular porn, look for some emotionally driven lesbian porn. Do what THOSE chicks do to each other and you'll wake up a sleeping giant.

excon

We're not being mean by asking your age.

We're making sure we are not subject to a lawsuit and that you are following the rules.

And yeah--at 21, I didn't have sexual fantasies, either. I also didn't have a whole lot of sex drive.

MoSTLY it was because the guys I dated followed moves from porn, rather than moves from romance novels.

I'm betting you're her first boyfriend, right? And that you want sex more often than you want to just cuddle, hold hands, and do romance things that don't always lead to sex, right?

You have to get into her HEAD before you can get into her pants.

Stop asking about her SEXUAL fantasies. Start asking about her ROMANTIC fantasies.

Then build on that.

She doesn't have any romantic fantasies. She just DOESN'T think of sex at all. She doesn't let me eat her out and she seems to orgasm when we do have sex. She doesn't like looking at porn of any sort.

BGC, please remember that this is a public forum. Some here speak frankly and some are more "professorial". No one here is trying to demean you in any way.

I hope you can see and appreciate that there are folks here willing to take their time to help.

That is what we are here for.

Well, duh.

MOST women don't like looking at porn. It does nothing for us, because we're not visual.

Does she like KISSING? Holding hands? Snuggling on the couch?

I'm asking you to remove sex 100% from your thoughts when you talk about "romantic fantasies". Does she think about walking on the beach holding hands?

She probably just does not enjoy sex.

Does she have a religious background? Did she really seem like she was into it when you had sex for the first time? If so, what has changed? If NOT--why the heck did you even go there?

How ROMANTIC are you? Do you sing to her sometimes? Do you brush her hair and massage her face and neck? Do you dance with her, even when you're alone, and when you're slow dancing, do you nibble her ear or whisper to her or hold her close to you? Do you read her a romance novel, say, every evening for a half hour? Do you brush her hair away from her face and tuck a strand behind her ear, then stoke her cheek?

I don't know what is possessing me to actually post something else here.

A little thought to bounce off you. People lie. Even people in committed long term relationships. She could have fantasies but is too embarrassed to share them with you. She could also believe you would receive them poorly. Just from your performance here we can tell that you have a bit of a temper.

While I believe that the above factors into this you can deduce the problem based upon what you've said in your original post.

Quote:

she doesn't know what to do in sex or how to be sexy and she never wants it.

I believe this is the main thing you should be looking at, as excon pointed out. Your 'number', the number of people you've slept with, is meaningless. You need to adapt and learn each partner. What works with one person might not work with another one.

This also bespeaks of a awkwardness or inexperience on her part. She wants to be sexy but is unsure how. Insecure! That is the word I am looking for. Consider that she wants to do something sexy but is afraid that you'll laugh and embarrass her. Valid fear.

This also, as synnen suggest, sounds like all roads lead to the bed room for you. She might be afraid to show you a softer side because you will assume that it means that you
Will be able to plow her fields. So to speak.

I do no think she is asexual, just insecure and inexperienced.

Once you have defined the problem here you can go about doing something about it. If there is something to be done about it. You seem to be able to communicate with her. You need to train her to be what she wants to be. It could be that her libido is just low. Get in her head. You'll be better for it.

You know, I have to agree with the others here.

Wondergirls questions were dead on. I too would like to know just how romantic you are?

YOU too seem inexperienced when it comes to love making.

First of all, let me just point out that not all women like porn. For me, it does nothing. I can watch it, and even blush a little, but as far as getting turned on... Nada.

I'm not quite sure ehat your girlfriends past was like. If there was any abuse or degrating remarks made to her from others.

I can only go based off what you are telling us, and I am aware that there are two sides to every story... We are just hearing yours.

Perhaps the reason she doesn't feel sexy, is because you aren't making her feel sexy.

And I don't mean by telling her that she is hot, or that you want to bang her.

I mean by the simple gestures that you do. Winking at her. Grazing her cheek with your fingers. Pulling her closer into you while telling her that she is beautiful. Spooning in bed. Cooking her a nice dinner.

Those are things that make women feel sexy.

I also see the lack of communication here. After two years, you two should be able to talk openly about sex, or anything else for that matter.

Makes me wonder why she doesn't...

After reading your post, you show a bit of a temper, and perhaps that's why she may not communicate with you. She may be afraid of your response.

The best thing I can say here, is to sit down and communicate with her. Don't yell. Don't blame. Don't accuse. Don't cuss. Just talk. Here her side.

As for her not having any fantasies... um... who cares?.

I don't believe that she has NEVER had any.

If she is inexperienced, show her. Teach her.

Sex is learning each other. It should start with you, while exploring her body, asking her if she likes this, or does that feel good.

The fact that you mentioned in one of your posts, that she seems to orgasm during sex, doesn't sound so sure. So does she? Or not? Dio you even ask her?

Bottom line is that you dwell on the physical part of the relationship, more so then the mental, or emotional part.

You need to have the other two first, along with communication.

Others as well as myself have asked many questions. So please answer.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

You need to train her to be what she wants to be.

I agree with all of what Craven said except for one bit of word choice.

You don't 'train' her to be anything. You provide a safe and secure place for her to explore and discover what she wants to be.

Where and when do you try to to talk to her about sex? In bed? When you are wanting sex?

Have you ever sat down on the couch and discussed sex while cuddling?

I am wondering if you actually listen to her or if you are putting words in her mouth because you don't understand her perceptions.

When discussing topics like sex, you need to learn to put aside your expectations of how the dialog should go and pay attention to what is being said. If you don't understand what she is saying, ask her for clarification. She should do the same. Remember that real life does not come with a script. If it did, it would probably be written by National Lampoon or Monty Python.

One other question, is she on any form of birth control? Is she on any type of medication? Hormonal birth control methods and several different medications are known to affect a woman's libido. Does she suffer from Depression or a multitude of other disorders that may help explain why she seems to you to be asexual?

Does she know that you think she is 'asexual'? Could your attitude toward her sexuality be hampering her desire to explore?