This is... Complicated...
I have been with my current SO for about seven years now, though we've known each other for almost thirteen years. We were kind of together before these past seven years, but that's another story. Anyway, we have two kids together, and he is a good father to both.
The problem is, that I am not in love with him. I was the one who initiated this current relationship, believing that I would eventually fall madly in love with him, but that just hasn't been the case. I've tried, I really have, but I've been in love once before, and I know what I feel for him... it's not the kind of love one should have for the person with whom they plan to spend the rest of their life. It's more like that of a close friend.
In recent months, I've become increasingly restless and discontented regarding the relationship. I've voiced my opinion on this several times, but nothing has been resolved. I've even tried to end the relationship several times, but was met with nothing but resistance, anger and guilt trips.
So, feeling trapped and largely helpless to control my own life, I made a very poor decision and cheated. I KNOW it was the wrong thing to do and I feel terrible for betraying his trust and hurting him. The question is... what do I do now? I somehow want to make amends with him, but I still don't want the relationship to continue. Not to mention the fact that the person I cheated with was my first boyfriend, the only man I've ever been genuinely in love with. I'm not sure I'm still in love with my ex. But I recognize the fact that I do feel something for him. It's that very something, that I don't feel about my current SO. He knows about the cheating now, and I don't know what he wants to do. I know he's really hurt, but I'm not convinced that he's prepared to leave me. I had thought he would but now that he hasn't, I don't know what to do.
Should I attempt to repair a relationship I really don't want for him and the sake of my kids, or do I continue to press the issue of ending the relationship. That's what I want, but I feel that by doing that, I'd only be rubbing salt in an already horrendous wound! I have no idea what I should do!