I lost my mum in May 2009 to cancer when I was 14. It has been really hard to cope and know what to do. My Dad had always been really supportive and him, my sister and me seemed really close. Then in October 2009, he announced that he was going to America (I live in England) on a business trip. I later found out that this was not really a business trip, but a reunion between him and his old girlfriend who had found out that my mum had died and had been emailing him over the summer. I was extremely shocked and upset, I did not mind my dad getting into another relationship, but not so soon. I had only met her once before my dad and her got engaged in February 2010. They married in September and her and her daughter came over to England. The daughter was 10, and although very sweet to me, she is extremely spoilt by her mother and badly behaved. I know that this money comes from my Dad and this upsets me. I was upset and not happy about them moving here, but I felt like I tried my best to make them feel comfortable in my home. The main problem was that over this time I felt like I lost my dad. He became a different person with her, more flashy with big cars and started going to the spa with her and everything. They do everything together, including going to the dump and I feel like I never get to be with him anymore and when I am with him, he just looks as if he would rather be with her. He was not like this before. He also started lying to me. I know that I made it difficult for him at first because I was so upset, which probably made him scared to tell me things, but when I realised this was the case, I felt like I stopped. One of the main things that upset me was that he removed the pictures of my mum and us around the house, and some of the paintings that my mum had done which my dad had put all his energy into after her death into framing and putting up. He had promised me he would not do this several times, so I felt so betrayed by him. I also asked him very kindly if he would mind asking my step mother not to sit in my mum's chair, but he refused, saying that you can't just ban someone off from a chair. I asked her myself and she was fine about it, I just don't get why my dad was like that. I feel like he always puts her first and won't protect my sister and me in the same way he used to. Although his new wife is very nice, I have overheard her complaining about me to him and whenever I try to talk to her and get more friendly, I feel like she takes the 'closeness' of our relationship to criticise or shout at me. Subsequently, I feel that as long as I don't talk to her, or only with a few words, she will not say things to me that will upset me. I know that this upsets her, and I don't want that, but I don't want to get upset because if the things she says to me. I know that this isn't right and not the way forward, but I don't know what is. In April this year, my Dad lost his job and there is nothing for him to do in England. His solution has been to move to America in September and start up a business there. I know that his choices are limited but I sometimes wonder what he would do if my mum was here because I really don't think that they would move to America. I know that he was probably planning to move there when my I finished school and a family friend told me that this is what he said (he refused to answer when I asked him) but this has come at such a tricky time in my life and I don't know what to choose. I could stay here with a friend or move with him. It is only 2 years till I go to university but I just don't know. I know that I will really miss him if I stay here but I feel that he always puts her first, and if I move, I will have no one to go to who knows me really well and knows what I have been through. I wish my mum was here, then none of this would have happened, and she could tell me what to do. Of course, at this point in time, my education should be the main thing to think about, and I know that that is what my mum would want. I have talked to several teachers, and they seem to think it would not make a difference to applying for university if I moved and would be a great opportunity which may even increase my chances. However, I don't know how easily I will fit in and this may make things hard. If I stay, then I will have to go to America every holiday to be with my dad which I really don't want as it will feel like boarding school. I just really, really wish that my mum was here to guide me through, I really, really just want to know the right answer and how my relationship with my Dad will be in America. If he becomes what he used to be to me, then I would not even question moving but I am scared that as he will be moving to where she used to live, with her family and friends, it will become even more about her to him and then it would be pointless for me to go. In this tricky time it makes me miss my mum even more, and makes me feel so sad and lonely.

I don't know where to start. I'm a stepmother to 3, married their father after their mother died. I was also widowed.

Was your Dad a good husband to your mother? It's how he treated her when she was alive, not what he did after she died (unless he disrespected her memory) that counts. Let me ask you a question - how long after your mother passed would it have been "okay" for your father to begin dating? A year? Two years? Ten years? The answer is that there IS no time frame.

The cruel truth is that my husband was just as gone from me 6 months after he passed as he was 6 minutes after he passed. As it happened, I married two years after his death. Many people thought I remarried too soon.

Bottom line - if I had waited another 2 years my husband was not coming back.

As far as the money your father is spending - it's his money. It's not your money.

As far as his personality changing - he very well may have put in some difficult years while your mother was sick. Now he's doing what he wants to do when he wants to do it. I wouldn't judge him.

There are two schools of thought about who should come first in your father's life - you or his wife. I know the concept causes problems in both directions. His wife is his life partner. If for whatever reason he has to decide between the two of you are you willing to put your life on hold to care for him, support him emotionally, be there for him - or are you going off to school and he's on his own? And when he's older and perhaps he's sick - where are you going to be?

Are you going to not have a family of your own OR put your husband and children in second and third place because your father will be #1 in your life - and he'll be alone and he'll need you?

I only know this from the stepmother side. I don't see that I have erased the memory of my stepchildren's mother - nor have I tried. I also know I am not forbidden from sitting on the furniture that their mother once sat on. Hopefully a stepchild will come along to explain the father/children relationship and where the second wife fits in. I only know where I fit in. I'm not their mother. I'm not their friend. I'm their father's wife, and I support them wholeheartedly.

As far as removing your Mom's photos and sitting in her chair - your Mom is gone. Whether someone sits in her chair or not, she's not coming back. I understand your upset BUT do you think your mother would have wanted your father to be alone forever, would have wanted "her" belongings, the things she touched, to become shrines, quasi religious items? Or would she want you (and your Dad) to remember her and smile?

My late husband told me I would do him no honor if I stopped living when he died. He WANTED me to go on. I can't imagine that your Mom wanted your Dad to be alone.

As far as moving to America - we're a friendly bunch here. We really don't bite. What a great opportunity for you to go to a new place, see new things, start a new life.

Will you always miss your Mom? Yes, you will. Will your life ever be the same as it was before she passed? No, it won't. That doesn't mean it will be better or worse. It will just be different.

I would give your stepmother (and her daughter) a break. She has to sense your resentment. Would I marry someone with a dependent child? I don't know. I'd have to think long and hard about it. I don't know what she thinks, how she feels, but it's my guess that she would prefer to be your friend rather than your enemy.

And I can't tell you how many times I've had to say, "I understand, but she's not my child." Your stepmother will have to do without, have to change plans, have to take you into account - and that becomes a bitter pill to swallow if you resent her.

Have you thought about seeing someone to talk about your concerns, perhaps a counselor or social worker? In the meantime, I would TRY not to put your Dad in the middle. You may very well lose the battle and the war.

And I really am sorry about your Mom - losing a parent is devastating.

So is losing a spouse.

I'd try giving your Dad a break (or two).

Your dad should'nt re maried because. He should love your true mom

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by andrei_innoh

your dad should'nt re maried bec. he should love your true mom

---

I wasn't going to address this because it's so stupid and unfair... but then I thought about how unfair it is to everyone who has been widowed.

I have no idea how old you are. Quite young I would guess by this and your other posts - all of which are equally immature.

So - you are saying that a person who is widowed and remarries never loved or doesn't love the "original" spouse. How did you come to that conclusion?

No one should be alone. If this person's father was able to find someone to love and make a life with he has every right to do so. I guarantee the person who asked this question at some point in time will move on, perhaps marry, perhaps have children. Maybe now she thinks she can be her father's main support system. That is going to change over the years.

He in no way has disrespected her mother. I see no indication that he was "carrying on" with his second wife during the lifetime of his first wife.

My late husband told me many times that it's not what I do AFTER his death that proves I loved him, it's what I did BEFORE his death that proved I loved him.

Care to state your side of things?

I have the same sort of feelings. When I was 5 my dad died. In 2002 my sister was 8. my mum got in a new relationship when I was 7. the man she's with has 2 sons and there mum died in 2003. In 2005 days before my 8th birthday we moved into my mum fiancés at the time house. 3 months later they got married. I was fine my mum getting married then but I was only 8 and I don't think I understood it. I'm 15 now and for the last 2 years I've had depression. I think its down to my dad dying. But I take it out on my mum and step dad. I say things like I was here first my opinion should come first. I hate it when they have intercourse. I feel like its wrong because I think that its not respecting there partners who died. And it makes me feel worse. One thing I don't like is my mum tryna get my and my sister to call our step dad dad. My sister don't mind at all I don't think. I'm the only person in the house who hasn't mover on.

I see exactly your point with pictures furniture etc. we never did have pictures up but furniture all went when we moved. I live in the house where my stepdad and his wife who passed and there 2 sons lived. Which is hard as well because I feel its not "our" house.

Did you move to america or stay in england? I'm not sure what I would have done as I think my dads grave is here in england and I wouldn't want to be 2 far away from it.

Hope everythings OK with you and your sister dad step mum and her daughter now. Xx

Ps its not that I want my mum to be alone as my sure that you didn't want your dad to be alone

This is from June 2011 and the person who posted has never come back to AMHD.

If you are concerned and have a question, why don't you open your own thread?

My dad remarried again 2 years after my mums death. He is madly in love with her and says he is the love of his life. He loves her more than my mum and more than me (his daughter) Before I went to university, I had to live with them in the new house they bought together. My dad absolutely adores her.They are very affectionate towards each other, always holding hands and hugging and kissing each other. Every night I used to hear my dad making love to a woman that was not my mother. He eventually told me that they were going to have a baby together. I was devastated. I want my dad to be happy so I have to accept that this is what he wants. I am at university now and I live with my boyfriend. I can't bear to see them together. It hurts too much. My dad has a new family and I feel like an outsider. I do have a decent relationship with my dad still and we do do things together but when we are together I feel he is doing it out of duty and not that he really wants to spend time with me. It's like he is so in love with his new wife that he would rather to be with her all the time.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by harry54321

My dad remarried again 2 years after my mums death. he is madly in love with her and says he is the love of his life. He loves her more than my mum and more than me (his daughter) Before i went to university, i had to live with them in the new house they bought together. My dad absolutely adores her.They are very affectionate towards eachother, always holding hands and hugging and kissing eachother. Every night i used to hear my dad making love to a woman that was not my mother. He eventually told me that they were going to have a baby together. I was devestated. I want my dad to be happy so i have to accept that this is what he wants. I am at university now and i live with my boyfriend. I can't bear to see them together. It hurts too much. my dad has a new family and i feel like an outsider. I do have a decent relationship with my dad still and we do do things together but when we are together i feel he is doing it out of duty and not that he really wants to spend time with me. It's like he is so in love with his new wife that he would rather to be with her all the time.

---

I'm sure you want an honest response or you wouldn't post the question here - I was a widow, I married a widower. I have stepchildren.

This is your problem, not your father's. You say you want him to be happy, but you can't bear to see them together. That makes no sense. It appears he is happy, but you are having difficulty with it.

You say you have a good relationship, you do things together but you THINK he is acting out of duty, not out of love. He would rather be with his wife than you? Would you rather be with him than your boyfriend? There's little difference.

The fact that he is more demonstrative with his second wife than he was with your mother does NOT mean he loves the second wife more and your mother less. Every relationship is different. It is not fair to your father to expect him to be alone and lonely for the rest of his life.

As far as he knew at the time his life ended when your mother died. He probably didn't ever expect to fall in love and marry again.

I have always found the "love of my life" language to be, at best, inappropriate.

I think you have problems with the loss of your mother and your father moving on. Have you talked to anyone about those feelings?

Have you attempted to talk to your father about any of this?

You know I feel such sadness for theses young people! I'm thirty years old and my mom has been gone for 2 years this past April. He started dating a couple months ago with a friend of my husband's. I'm okay with it but scared at the same time. I worry that we won't be close anymore, and that he will want to be part of her family and not ours. However, my dad is 52 with no young children my brother and I were in our late twenties when mom passed but he was respectful enough to mourn for our mother. Also, I think his circumstance is a lot different. We were adults and he did not have to do that. Us being adults he did not have to worry about changing our living situation and transitioning us into anything that made us uncomfortable. Sometimes life sucks, Bottom Line! I think when a spouse loses a spouse and young children are involved their emotions and opinions should be what is most important. They have lost a mother or a father that cannot ever be replaced. They will never have that special bond with anyone else as long as they live. I am in a second marriage myself. I set goals. I decided the man I was looking for the replace my son's dad was going to be with out children, have a job, and be very family oriented. I also decided that I didn't want to have anymore children. I do not want my son to feel inferior to another sibling that would set him up for a complex of some sort. I also, made sure my son was comfortable with the decision I made before we tied the knot. If he had told me he was unhappy I would not have went through with it. Having kids is about what is most important for them and what makes them happy and successful. Sometimes you have to put your life on hold for your children. The time you spend today with your children with be the memories they have tomorrow. I do not mean to offend anyone, I only feel the need to voice this opinion.
MJ

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by MMAJ

They have lost a mother or a father that cannot ever be replaced. They will never have that special bond with anyone else as long as they live. I am in a second marriage myself. I set goals. I decided the man i was looking for the replace my son's dad was going to be with out children, have a job, and be very family oriented. I also decided that I didnt want to have anymore children. I do not want my son to feel inferior to another sibling that would set him up for a complex of some sort. I also, made sure my son was comfortable with the decision I made before we tied the knot. them happy and successful.

---

I'm going to disagree here - no one remarries to replace the deceased spouse. It's not about replacement - it's about going forward.

Good that you set "goals" (sounds more like rules) and met someone who was willing to - not have his own children, work to help support your child, whatever else you were looking for. I don't understand how you have another child with your "new" husband would make your son feel inferior and set him up for a "complex" of some sort. Could he have handled another child with your first husband or was it more about a step sibling?

I have also seen children control their surviving parent's life. Eventually the child goes off to college or work or marries - and the surviving parent who never remarried because it would give the child a "complex" is alone.

Good that this worked for you and you, your husband and son have joint goals - I just don't think this is true for everyone.

There are also people who are left alone when a spouse dies who simply cannot handle what is left for them - and that includes young children, household repairs, all that goes with being a single parent. Widows and widowers don't have a lock on this - same thing with divorce.