Ask Me Help Desk - What should I do about the father?

OK, so the father of my unborn baby wants nothing to do with us. He wants me to lie to the county and just say I have no idea who the father is. But I'm afraid that if I did that, he could come back any day or anyone could say that I lied and I would be in a lot of trouble. I want him to just sign over his rights, and I promised him that I would not make him pay child support. I thought that was the best solution but he refuses to take that route. So now I don't know what to do! Does the father of a child sign the birth certificate? And if he doesn't sign the birth certificate does he automatically give up rights? Please, any help will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

He cannot give up his rights unless your husband for at least a year decides he wants to adopt.

The father of your baby owes his child financial support.

Have you read the stickies about giving up rights?

No I haven't, I've looked up the MN laws on it though. I do not have a husband or a boyfriend, this is a teen pregnancy. But he threatened me saying that if I don't lie to the county about him not being the father he would fight for custody. And I don't think that's fair. The only reason he's doing this all is because I refused to get an abortion.

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Originally Posted by d.switzy10

But he threatened me saying that if I don't lie to the county about him not being the father he would fight for custody. And I don't think thats fair. The only reason he's doing this all is because I refused to get an abortion.

You are how old? And how does he think he will get custody? He admits he's the father? Then his name should go on the because.

I am 19 years old. He admits to me that he is the father. But he is threatening me that if I don't lie to the county and say I have no idea who the father is he will take me to court to fight for custody. Now I do not want him involved, I know for a fact that he doesn't even want this baby, and is doing this to just to win. But if he does take me to court I am not guaranteed full sole custody.

Quote:

Originally Posted by d.switzy10

But he is threatening me that if I don't lie to the county and say I have no idea who the father is he will take me to court to fight for custody.

Well, you can't take away his rights as a dad nor can he sign them away. I'm thinking down the road you will be glad he has to pay support money plus he (once he grows up) may have a change of heart about this baby.

How old is he?

Some of our legal experts will see this and will comment later today.

Since you are not married, for him to be considered the father he would have to acknowledge paternity. He cannot sign away his rights, but he can ignore them and you can allow him to ignore them.

However, if you have to apply for public assistance they will require that you identify the father or all potential fathers.

Unless you are wealthy, you owe it to your child to get the father to help support him.

If he fights for custody, he will probably get some level of legal custody and visitation. But I doubt if he would get primary custody.

He is 22 years old, and already has one kid. He drinks a lot, got ran over by a car because he started a fight with the driver while he was drunk. He's not a good father to his one child, and the fact that he wanted to kill mine from the very start makes me angry. I am doing everything I can right now to make sure my baby has a good life. So I'm worried that if he took me to court, he would get something. I need full custody, it's the best for the baby. And I'm worried he would get more then supervised visitation.

This horrible person was OK for you to have sex with? The courts will take that into account.

I'm sorry, but you should have thought of this before you let him into your pants. Now you AND your child will have to live with your mistake for the rest of your lives. Unless you can prove to a court that he is a danger to your child, Then he will likely get some level of visitation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by d.switzy10

...He wants me to lie to the county and just say I have no idea who the father is. But I'm afraid that if I did that, he could come back any day or anyone could say that I lied and I would be in alot of trouble. ...

Quote:

Originally Posted by d.switzy10

... But he threatened me saying that if I don't lie to the county about him not being the father he would fight for custody. ...

He's trying to intimidate you. Don't let him. He is bluffing.

But the father and mother don't "sign the birth certificate" anyway. They sign various forms. It's a state official who signs the "birth certificate" depending on what is reported to the state in those other forms.

Generally, you don't have to lie and say that you don't know who the father is. You can simply leave the information for the father blank and you won't be doing anything dishonest. Here, for example, is one such form. As you can see, it doesn't require you to sign anything saying that you don't know who the father is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AK lawyer

He's trying to intimidate you. Don't let him. He is bluffing.

But the father and mother don't "sign the birth certificate" anyway. They sign various forms. It's a state official who signs the "birth certificate" depending on what is reported to the state in those other forms.

Generally, you don't have to lie and say that you don't know who the father is. You can simply leave the information for the father blank and you won't be doing anything dishonest. Here, for example, is one such form. As you can see, it doesn't require you to sign anything saying that you don't know who the father is.

Interesting video on that site that is referenced.

Great link.

I applied for medical assistance though, won't they make me identify the father?

Quote:

Originally Posted by d.switzy10

I applied for medical assistance though, won't they make me identify the father?

If the medical assistance is taxpayer funded, then its likely they will to get him to reimburse the state.

*I* don't want to pay for your child (as a taxpayer).

YOU has sex with this guy. THIS is the consequences of it. Name him as the father, and start documenting his threats--saving phone messages, etc. Once the baby is born, go to court and establish custody. If his threats are documented, then he's less likely to get anything but supervised visitation. That doesn't mean that FOR SURE that's all he'll get--that's up to the court--but the more evidence you have that he's a poor father, the more likely he won't get custody at all.

Have you even considered adoption?

Go to court and get child support on this guy. At least if he goes to jail for non-support, he's not around the child, right?

PS--keep your pants on until you are a better judge of who will be a good father BEFORE you get pregnant next time.

Agreed - I don't want to support you and your child. He's the father. That child is his responsibility. The threats he is making? That's what happens when you have sex with people who are, at best, dangerous. You get pregnant and he turns on you.

And, yes, the Court will look at your taste in men as well as his character.

And, yes, anything that is Government funded REQUIRES that you list all possible fathers. You take an oath that the list is true and complete.

Well, from the answers I will presume that many of you people feel you have never made a mistake. No, I will not consider adoption, it is my child and I will do what I can to have a good life for him/her. Now I came on here for legal advice, not your personal opinions. You want to come on here and tell me to keep my pants on? To me, that is very rude. You do not know the story of my life, so don't tell me my mistakes because clearly, I already understand and admit the ones I have made. So it might be a good idea not to come on here and judge people because you feel you are possibly high and mighty. Thank you for all of the feedback on here (well most of it) And excuse me, I've been in the military for three years, so don't worry good and faithful people, I won't MAKE you pay a dime for me. But maybe next time, think of your sons and daughters who have made mistakes with big consequences, and maybe have a heart.

Comments on this post
d.switzy10 does not find this helpful : the lady is being rude, and clearly not very helpful

First, may I call your attention to the guidelines for using the comments feature found here:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/feedba...ure-24951.html

In fact, Judy's response WAS very helpful. She is telling you what you can expect in court and if you apply for public assistance. Nor was she being rude. She was telling it like it is, giving you the reality of what to expect. You may not like it but that doesn't make it rude. What IS rude is giving someone a negative rating just because you don't like the answer, even the answer was accurate.

Quote:

Originally Posted by d.switzy10

Well, from the answers I will presume that many of you people feel you have never made a mistake.

You presume wrongly. We very much understand making a mistake, but we also understand accepting and dealing with the consequences of those mistakes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by d.switzy10

No, I will not consider adoption, it is my child and I will do what I can to have a good life for him/her.

That is very commendable. But part of doing what can means trying to get financial support from the father.

Quote:

Originally Posted by d.switzy10

Now I came on here for legal advice, not your personal opinions. You want to come on here and tell me to keep my pants on? To me, that is very rude. You do not know the story of my life, so don't tell me my mistakes because clearly, I already understand and admit the ones I have made. So it might be a good idea not to come on here and judge people because you feel you are possibly high and mighty. Thank you for all of the feedback on here (well most of it) And excuse me, I've been in the military for three years, so don't worry good and faithful people, I won't MAKE you pay a dime for me. But maybe next time, think of your sons and daughters who have made mistakes with big consequences, and maybe have a heart.

You clearly don't understand how sites like this work. Please do not presume to tell us who or how we can respond to your question. As long as a response does not violate our rules it is valid. You are free to ignore any advice you don't like or report responses you think violate the rules. You asked for legal advice and you got legal advice, good advice. However, along with that legal advice you got some other good advice as well.

No its is not clear that you understand this mistake since you want to cut the father out of it. While we may be judging you to some extent, we are trying to make you understand the reality of what you are dealing with. Making some judgments based on what you have told us comes with the territory.

You claim you have been in the military for 3 years yet you told us you were 19? How does that work, I thought you had to be 18 to join the military. You said you applied for "medical assistance". If that is taxpayer supported, then you are already making us (the taxpayers) pay for your child. This is what we are trying to explain to you, that you have some realities to deal with.

Don't mistake the fact that we are trying to help you and we do care about you (and your child). But we offer the truth here, we don't sugar coat things. Sometimes the truth is harsh, but that doesn't mean we don't feel for you or have a heart.

Let's see - what will the Court think/say about you? You're 19 and you've had a 3 year career in the service. You had sex with a known loser. You asked if you have to give accurate information to the County. You applied for "medical assistance" that does not come from a Government agency. You rant at people who tell the truth, which truth is obviously not what you want to hear. You insult the people who know a lot more about this subject than you do.

So the mother is, at best, lying about "some" things and cannot discuss the subject without getting hostile, someone who cannot support the child without Government assistance, someone who had sex within the year with a person she now despises.

On other side you've got a father who starts fights, is a drunk and threatens the mother.

On the third side you've got an innocent child who can't be given up for adoption to a responsible, stable family because the mere thought upsets the mother who appears to think she owns the child.

Glad I'm not the Judge in this one!

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Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Glad I'm not the Judge in this one!

You mean the OP should be glad of that <eg>

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Originally Posted by d.switzy10

Well, from the answers I will presume that many of you people feel you have never made a mistake. No, I will not consider adoption, it is my child and I will do what I can to have a good life for him/her.

You didn't even LOOK at adoption, did you? You just assumed that your child would be best off with YOU, because you can't bear the idea that he/she wouldn't be, right?

So then--if you want to create a good life for him/her--you'll get child support from the father. Period. Full stop. ESPECIALLY if you can't support the child on your own.

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Originally Posted by d.switzy10

Now I came on here for legal advice, not your personal opinions. You want to come on here and tell me to keep my pants on? To me, that is very rude. You do not know the story of my life, so don't tell me my mistakes because clearly, I already understand and admit the ones I have made.

No, you don't. Otherwise, you'd admit that YOU were an idiot for having sex with a guy you admit was already a bad father. You DO know that sex = babies, right? And yes, I *am* telling you to keep your pants on. I don't care if it's rude. You're coming on here telling me you don't like the guy you had sex with anymore so you want to lie by omission to keep him from the birth certificate so that you can get MY money (that I paid in taxes) so that YOU can keep your child that you can't afford on your own simply because you WANT to. I might be rude, but you're not exactly innocence and roses here, sweetie. And you apparently do NOT understand that while I gave you a legal opinion--my Opinion is going to come with it.

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Originally Posted by d.switzy10

So it might be a good idea not to come on here and judge people because you feel you are possibly high and mighty.

Nope--I've just BEEN a teenage mother, and actually DID do what was best for my child by choosing adoption, rather than putting her through the angst of parents who hated each other and the shame of being a Welfare kid because I couldn't afford to raise her. Sorry honey--been in your shoes and YOU are the one acting high and mighty.

Quote:

Originally Posted by d.switzy10

Thank you for all of the feedback on here (well most of it) And excuse me, I've been in the military for three years, so don't worry good and faithful people, I won't MAKE you pay a dime for me.

First, I think you're lying. You can't join the military until you're 18 in the United States. No WAY you could have been in the military for 3 years. And even if you WERE in the military---I'd be paying EVERYTHING for your child. ALL of your dimes are belong to us. Or where do you think military salaries come from. I ALSO know you wouldn't be applying for medical assistance in the military, because service members are covered for medical situations, including pregnancy. So... are you lying about your age or about being in the military? I'm betting it's about being in the military. So--if you ARE in the military, why do you have to get government assistance? Also, the military is about upholding laws--why in the world would you even ASK about committing perjury if you were in the military?

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Originally Posted by d.switzy10

But maybe next time, think of your sons and daughters who have made mistakes with big consequences, and maybe have a heart.

Nope--sorry. I have no heart. It's been admitted several times on these boards. YOU made your mistakes. YOU live with them. Taking responsibility for your actions means that you have to somehow come to grips with the fact that the jerk you had sex with is going to be in your life for the next 18 years. Congratulations! You sure picked a good one!

(and yet--you wonder why I tell you to keep your pants on. It's mostly because you still don't seem to understand that having sex means having babies, and that you're choosing a FATHER every time you have sex, not choosing just some hot idiot to have sex with. Think with your head, for god's sake, instead of with your hormones.)