When I was a child I was abused by my step grandfather. I told my mother and the situation was dealt with but my grandmother was never told about it because my grandfather is the love of her life, has always supported her and it would break her heart if she found out. But things haven't changed with the way he still speaks to me, looks at me and touches me jokingly now that I am a young adult and it always makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't want to report it purely because of the burden it would create on my family and especially my grandmother (I feel it would kill her).
I know to be in a relationship you must be completely open with your partner, sharing your joys and pains in life so you can support one another but how can I expect my boyfriend to understand this and not be upset and not say anything especially when he has met the man?

How long have you been with your boyfriend, if you are sexually active with boyfriend, is your past abuse cuasing issues in it.

Why do you have any contact with this man,

Year and a half, we are sexually active but I limit it because I'm scared to be taken advantage of again so I guess the abuse is causing issues in having intimacy. This is the first time I've allowed a guy to come into my life without finding a reason to run but the pressure of how he would feel about my decision for not saying or doing anything scares the hell out of me.

I would rather not speak to this man and I avoid him as much as I can but the fact that he plays a major role in caring for my grandmother who is quite elderly and visits frequently makes it hard. There's also the fact that I have a strong relationship with her.

Look--if you don't report it, don't say anything, you are LETTING him continue to abuse you.

TELL AN ADULT!

Who ELSE might he be abusing? Who else might have already been abused? Sexual abusers don't just stop because they're told to.

Do you want someone ELSE to suffer as you do? No? Then tell your parents.

How old is he now? Are you saying that the abuse now entails subtle ways of touching and acting that perhaps only you and he know have such deep importance behind them?

Your grandmother doesn't need to be present when you confront HIM in front of your boyfriend and others, and warn him that he is to not even be in the same room with you ever again. Plan your speech. Make it short and decisive. Be prepared for his denial, possibly. A good therapist can help you with this. Then take your boyfriend somewhere for a long private talk.

You are sweet and good to be so concerned about this 'killing' your grandmother, but it's you who is being slowly lessened as you try to develop a relationship with a man. You aren't doing anyone, not even your grandmother, any favors by hiding the truth. Don't let victimization turn you into a martyr.

He's 70yrs old now and yeah it's only things that myself and him know the meaning of.

Your advise has been incredibly helpful and has given me a lot to think about. I think people struggle to understand the pressures of families, their thoughts and influences. For me to say anything is a big risk because I will cause major division in my family and most probably contact with a lot of members. This maybe selfish on my behalf but its matter of me asking for someone to step into my shoes and see from my perspective and understand the consequences I will have to face.

Thank you for your answer Joypulv, I feel encouraged and more confident in taking your advise and working on putting it into action.

This is a tricky situation for you, but you do have options.

When the abuse happened when you were younger, and you say it was dealt with, without your grandmother knowing, how was that done. After he was, I presume, confronted, was there anything further. i.e. did the looks, joking touches continue then? Were you, or did you feel uncomfortable around him, avoid him?

I'm not so sure the abuse doesn't continue to this day.

His behaviour now, is still inappropriate; him being confronted then, has not stopped him now. Part of the process of abuse is the power and control used by the abuser, over the abused. He still has that power.

Your life has been affected to the point where predictably, establishing trusting relationships with men, and intimate relationships, are overshadowed by the continued abuse by your step-grandfather. Even if he were to drop dead tomorrow, you would still be faced with the aftermath of his behaviour.

I strongly advise you to seek counselling as a victim of abuse. It is time to learn how to take that (ongoing) power he has over you, away. Nothing, even his demise, will fix this, simply because he isn't around. You have already learned this with the intimacy problems with your boyfriend.

I too worry that you were not the only one, and I doubt that your grandmother doesn't have some inkling that something happened to others, or that she suspected from observing his behaviour over the years that things weren't quite right with him. She may just have preferred to ignore the behaviour, or believe his lies and manipulation of her, in order to continue with abuse. It is not just 'one' person involved in this- you, but other relationships as well because abusers must plot and plan, and manipulate people and situations in order to abuse.

It should have been your mother, when you were young and did the right thing in speaking up, that dealt with this on your behalf. Whatever she did in confronting him, did not stop him, obviously. She too, like your grandmother, chose to look away, and think everything was okay. It wasn't, and it isn't.

While you seek counselling, and I sincerely hope you do, you will learn that the results on your life due to this mans abuse of you, far outweighs who's feelings are going to be hurt, and what the aftermath may turn out to be for others. If you have suspicions about other members of the family being abused by this man, or that he has had a history of abusing others, you need to be in a position of strength, should you report him, to handle what will come.

In the meanwhile, I would not be anywhere near him if it were me. Avoid any situation where you are close enough to him physically, for him to be able to 'jokingly' touch you. Avoid eye contact, and if at all possible, don't go to his home. Arrange to see your Grandmother by making arrangements to take her out. And, I would suggest that you have a long talk with your mother, and let her know that you need to address the past, in order to live a healthy future.

Take charge of your life, get into counselling, and learn how to do that.

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Originally Posted by SummerLily

He's 70yrs old now and yeh it's only things that myself and him know the meaning of.

Your advise has been incredibly helpful and has given me a lot to think about. I think people struggle to understand the pressures of families, their thoughts and influences. For me to say anything is a big risk because I will cause major division in my family and most probably contact with a lot of members. This maybe selfish on my behalf but its matter of me asking for someone to step into my shoes and see from my perspective and understand the consequences I will have to face.

Thank you for your answer Joypulv, I feel encouraged and more confident in taking your advise and working on putting it into action.

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Sorry... I've actually BEEN in your shoes. My great-grandfather recently died in prison while serving time for child molestation. He managed to abuse 4 generations of little girls (I was not among them, but many of my cousins, my mother, and my grandmother were) ALL because NO ONE spoke up and put a stop to it.

Yes, my great-grandmother went into a decline after he was sentenced. However--she KNEW what was going on--and I'm betting your grandma does too. SHE could have stopped it years ago.

Do you want this happening to one of your cousins? A sister? A little girl with no connection to the family at all? Do you want someone else to live through what you have?

If you don't say anything--it is YOUR FAULT if it happens to someone else. Maybe not 100% your fault--but can you live with it if he molests someone else?

Yeah, it's going to cause rifts in the family. THAT is not YOUR fault. That's your parents' faults for not REALLY stopping it sooner. That's your grandpa's fault for not controlling himself. That's NOT your fault.

TELL SOMEONE.

GET IT STOPPED!

He's COUNTING on you not wanting to make waves to be able to continue to abuse you.