Hey I'm just really confused and am unsure what to do about this situation

I've been with my partner for 17months and we recently went shooping for an engagement ring. He hasn't proposed yet as he wants to do it 'right' and when I am not expecting it. We've been living together for the past 6 months.
At home my partner keeps my ring in his safe in his wardrobe. He wouldn't let me see the ring so when he was at work I wanted to have a sneaky peak at the ring however when I opened the safe I found pictures , naked pictures of his ex girlfriend.. I feel sick to my stomach as in the first week of our relationship he made me get rid of ALL pictures of my exs.. and they were fully clothed.. he said that we are together and I didn't need to be reminded of my exs.. so I agreed.

He's at work now and I'm really confused on what to do.. I still have my own place and am debating whether to end the relationship or to give him a chance... he finishes at 5pm and will be coming home.. please help as I'm stuck!

I know you will have to admit you snooped through his private belongings but it was all very light hearted when you did snoop, it wasn't like you were doing it in a devious way to find "dirt" on him.

If I was you and in your shoes I would HAVE to confront him about it, I would not be able to just forget about it, but that's just me. I would honestly be heart broken. I'm hoping one of the guys on this site will chimey in and give their point of view on this and maybe shed some light on it that is was hopefully harmless, but honestly I would be seething.

Take a breath. Calm down for a few minutes and gather your thoughts. I will try and find some more people to try and give you some more advice.

Damned if you do and damned of you don't.

If you confront him, you'll be confirming that you broke his trust by breaking into his safe.

If you don't confront him, you won't get an explanation on why he broke your trust by keeping naked pictures of his ex.

Either way, the trust is broken on both sides. Therefore, it's best to face the problem and try to work it out. If you can't even work out a problem like this, then marriage is definitely out of the question because it would only end in divorce.

If you can't work it out, you're better off going your separate ways.

I am completely seething.. I honestly wasn't doing it in a decieving way I just wanted to see my ring.. the only thing I can think of is to beg him to see my ring and hope he agrees.. when he opens the safe I could 'catch a glimpse of the photo '? But then that's even more lies.. he will go mad if I tell him I went into the safe.. I feel sick. :(

Well I totally agree with I wish. The trust is broken now so just confront him about it. Like you say, it will be more lies. When you do confront him you will get more answers hopefully then you have now, maybe even a reasonable explanation, I hope. I feel really bad for you, I am putting myself in your shoes, imagining my partner doing this and I feel so sick.

Confront him in the most calm manner as you possibly can, if this is what you choose to do.

Harshness warning

Both of you are going to be mad at each other because both of you broke each other's trust. I'm not sure how many more hours it will be before you can confront him, so I suggest you take the time to sort things out in your mind. You're definitely going to have to confront him about the pictures and how he has been hypocritical for making you get rid of your pictures but not his.

He'll be home in 54minutes.. I think I'm just going to tell the truth.. ill tell him I wanted to see the engagement ring because I couldn't wait until he asked me so I guessed the code and when I got in I was shocked to find pictures of him ex naked..
Ill keep u's undated but I've a feeling there'll be no engagement because as you say the trust is gone.. can I trust him again? I don't know... :(
I'm away to pack some of my things just in case...

We will be here to talk no matter what the outcome. Good luck and I'm sorry you're going through this.

Perhaps he was testing you.

He could have put the pictures in his hockey bag, or hidden in the rafters of the garage, or inside a book, but he chose to put the ring WITH the pictures. Why do you think that is.

You say he wanted to surprise you, on his own terms, when you weren't expecting it, yet you knew where the ring was. That almost seems like an open invitation to snoop to me.

As far as the ring goes, he could have also kept it in a safety deposit box at his bank, with his mother, friend, etc. but he chose to put the ring, in a box, with dirty pictures of his ex girlfriends, in a place that you knew existed.

My advice is to say, and do nothing.

If it was a test, it was you that failed. And it had nothing to do with the girlie pictures.

The adage of curiousity killed the cat or in this case the trust comes to mind.

What happened to respecting that he wanted to do he right thing? Or was invading his privacy, breaking his trust and ruining the surprise not important to you?

A ring is an object, a symbol of the love and commitment you have and the life your going to build, you acted on an impulse a silly impulse and came across something you never thought you'd see, the burden of knowledge, you have to deal with it now.

My fiancé has a filing cabinet,I think its open, I'm not too sure I never checked, but he could have a wife and 4 kids tucked away in there and id never know! its important stuff for him and that's enough for me, I have no inclination nor desire to go snooping in his stuff.

So what to do.

Packing a bag is extreme until you get an explanation, you both need to explain yourselves, packing a bag is not going to resolve anything, you need to talk about it, he may have forgotten totally about those pictures, he may look at them from time to time the same way he way look at porn,only he can tell you why they were there.

Talk it out, and keep talking, row it out if your going to, but don't walk away.

Let this be the story you tell in 40 years time, it can be how you eventually got engaged or how it ended.

Talk talk talk.

I would speak to him about it, trust can be worked on again. I do not agree with the comment saying that maybe it was a test. Pretty twisted test if it was, and would you really want to be with someone so cruel as to put pictures of an ex naked of all people in there. If someone is going to test their partner, I don't think they would put naked pictures of an ex in the safe, they'd put some random naked women's pics so as not to get themselves in too much trouble.

If my partner had naked pictures of her ex hidden away, I would be very angry too. Hope the talk with him goes well.

Whether it was a test or not, it doesn't change the fact that he has different rules for himself than he does for you. With this revelation in mind, are there other warning signs pointing to his wanting to put restrictions on you that he does not apply to himself?

You are living together. Does the safe hold only his important items and papers? Where do you keep yours? Has it ever been suggested that you use the safe too or has he been territorial about it?

It all comes down to communication and can the two of you work together to build a stronger relationship.

Whether this was a test or not, if it was a test he still chose to display dirty pictures of his ex, that he had kept after making his girlfriend get rid of them, and if it wasn't a test, again, he still kept dirty pictures after making his girlfriend get rid of normal pictures of any of her exes. Either way you flip it wrong has been done here.

I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt however there is an element of trust that has been broken... I suggested that I should be allowed to use the safe however he said no. What he doesn't know is that I know the code to the safe as I played stupid and waited for him to open it up before I ''saw'' the pictures and I know that is not right however I've been hurt before and I want to make the correct decision this time. I will check the safe when I want because at the end of the day we are a couple that are living together and I feel that if we are serious enough to be living together then we should be serious enough not to have any secrets.. I don't mind him watching porn or looking at naughty magazines as that is completely normal.

I have one more small issue that I would like some advice on...
Strip Clubs...
My other half has recently went to visit family and friends a week before I come and join him. We were talking earlier about what his plans are and he asked if he could go to a strip club with his pal and cousin. Of course I said I wouldn't be happy about him going to a strip club because I'm not comfortable with any other woman, be it paid for or not, to be rubbing their bits in my partners face. I told him that of course he didn't need to ask my permission to do anything however if he was to go I would not be happy..
I also feel grateful that he asked but at the same time hurt because at the end of the day its me that he is coming home to and for him to want to go to a strip club, does that mean he is dissatisfied and bored with me?
I also feel that he knows its wrong as it's the only thing he has asked my permission for?
If he decides to go what should I do?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by crushednurse888

I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt however there is an element of trust that has been broken... i suggested that i should be allowed to use the safe however he said no. What he doesnt know is that i know the code to the safe as i played stupid and waited for him to open it up before i ''saw'' the pictures and i know that is not right however ive been hurt before and i want to make the correct decision this time. i will check the safe when i want because at the end of the day we are a couple that are living together and i feel that if we are serious enough to be living together then we should be serious enough not to have any secrets.. i dont mind him watching porn or looking at naughty magazines as that is completely normal.

I have one more small issue that i would like some advice on...
Strip Clubs...
My other half has recently went to visit family and friends a week before i come and join him. We were talking earlier about what his plans are and he asked if he could go to a strip club with his pal and cousin. Of course i said i wouldnt be happy about him going to a strip club because im not comfortable with any other woman, be it paid for or not, to be rubbing their bits in my partners face. I told him that of course he didnt need to ask my permission to do anything however if he was to go i would not be happy..
I also feel grateful that he asked but at the same time hurt because at the end of the day its me that he is coming home to and for him to want to go to a strip club, does that mean he is dissatisfied and bored with me?
I also feel that he knows its wrong as its the only thing he has asked my permission for?
If he decides to go what should i do?

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First, stop playing games and be honest with him about the safe. He said 'no' about you using it and your intending to 'snoop' is a major breach of trust. You may have been hurt in the past, but you are setting yourself up for a major fall. At the end of the day, you are invading his privacy.

Trust goes both ways and while you don't fully trust him, you are hiding from him the fact that he can't trust you. Is that a good foundation for a relationship?

Second, why should he feel it is wrong to go to a strip club? He may feel that it is common courtesy to ask before going. He may have had a former girlfriend who became upset about strip clubs. It may not be a big issue to him. However, your reaction may speak volumes about how much you trust him. Strippers are there to tease and take money. They are entertainment. He could go to a club or bar have women rubbing their 'bits' all over him. Those women could be looking for more.

If you are concerned about boredom, etc. talk with him. Be open and honest with him and listen to him. Respect him like you want to be respected. Otherwise walk away before the tide comes in and washes your sand castle away.