This will probably end up being a book but I will keep it as short as possible (skip to third paragraph to skip the background info):

First, thank you to anyone taking the time to help me out with this situation. My boyfriend and I have been together (on and off) for about four years now. We originally broke up because he treated me horribly towards the end, he was (and still is) very jealous and possessive, cheated on me, became physical with me, just overall had a negative attitude toward me and our relationship. I don't mean to highlight the negative, it wasn't all bad, I had to love him for some reason. I met someone else while we were on a "break" because I finally built the confidence to stand up for myself and he went absolutely crazy. I ended up dating the guy for about a year before my boyfriend now and I got back into contact and ended up getting back together. I never stopped loving him, it was always the most painful yet most intense love I've ever felt for anyone. I didn't want to wonder, "what if?" if I didn't take the chance.

Onto the present, we've been back together almost a year. We got back while he was deployed and he's been home for a month now. He still questions my every move, has to know where I am at what time and who I'm with. Of course I'm not "allowed" to text or hang out with any other guys. When trying to get me back he said he'd be OK with my having guy friends, he admitted he lied about that. He hasn't changed in that regard. That's our biggets problem, that lack of freedom that I worked so hard to get is driving me insane, but how would I even explain to him that I want guy friends without him thinking anything? However, he is treating me much better. When it's just us, I'm generally very happy. He has his moments, he misdirects his anger or expects me to put in all the effort in the relationship (which was another previous issue). I am much stronger and able to stand my ground with things though so he doesn't walk on me like before. So the relationship I'm in now wasn't all he made it out to be when he was trying to get me back - it's not what I asked for. Yes he treats me much better but it's still missing pieces from what he promised. And honestly anyone who knows how he treated me - saw the pain I felt being with him and the pain I went through leaving him, they can't understand why I would go back. Frankly all I can say is, "I love him."

SHORT VERSION, OR LONG VERSION CONTINUED: So, I have a huge, huge crush on a guy I work with. I think about whether I should leave my boyfriend all the time, but there are so many things holding me back. One, I've been with him four years and I love him (sorry I'm realistic, you can love someone and be interested in other people), his family is like my family, I love them more than the world, he's put a lot of money into me the past couple months, he helped me with my downpayment on a car, got me a computer I didn't have the money for, bought hiking gear for and paid for a trip, altogether he's spent at least 3000 on me. If I had the money I'd pay him all back, hell I'd have just bought it all in the first place. Sometimes I want to leave him, other times I can't imagine my life being different, it intimitades me having to change again. I'm constantly in fear he's going to revert to how he used to be... I hate not being able to just be at ease and know he loves me and isn't going to hurt me again. I hate myself for being in this prediciment. I don't want to leave one person because I have feelings for another. I've tried not talking to the guy but I underestimated my feelings for him. He keeps a respectable distance because I am in a relationship, but I've been brought to tears because I feel so entirely torn. I am completely at a loss.

Thanks to anyone who can offer any words, I really appreciate it.

When you are not happy with who you are with, its very easy to be tempted mightily by any and everyone else, whom you think may be a better fit. Its human nature, to wish the bad times would end, and the good times would roll.

But you are the only one who can make the changes that make you happy. You gave the guy a chance and it falls short, so make a decision, and take action with FACTS and not just feelings. Should you go, or stay? I would never have gone back, and maybe that's what you need to ask yourself, why did you go back, other than you love him?

Ask yourself, why are you staying, OR what could you do to improve things, LIKE STOP ALLOWING BAD TREATMENT, but you don't get to say he isn't doing enough for you unless your end is handled. Takes two working together, to make it work, and if he is doing all the changing, and improving, and its not working, then you have to adjust your own efforts, or LEAVE.

So I guess it comes down to you making a good choice for yourself. And following through with it.

What does love have to do with it, if you aren't happy??

Your boyfriend still has serious issues and if I'm right in thinking you've only been back together in real time for a month-it's starting to sound like the same old story...

All the red flags are still there-quite frankly I suggest you break up-heal and stay single for a while.

It seldom happens when a person who is possessive, abusive and controlling, changes, without appropriate help. It is a superficial change at best, that you are experiencing now, because I don't read anywhere in your post that he has ever addressed any of the issues that broke the two of you up in the first place.

As you learned when you broke up with him, for all the right reasons, you are about to learn again. He is the same person, with the same insecurities and fears that has always driven his behaviour with you.

And you are in a position to reflect on your past with him, followed by finding yourself and your freedom again, followed by being in a relationship that will again, rob you of yourself. You have already indicated you have fallen for the same old tricks. You feel obligated to him because you have confused gifts with love, and behaviour with commitment. You are gradually justifying your 'love' for him, by compromising all that you know to be the ONLY way to keep this relationship going. He may give material things, but you are giving him your soul.

IF you see hope in that he is willing to address the issues of his controlling behaviour, and is willing to take the steps in order to do that (counselling), there might be hope, if he is sincere; not just going through the process. He has to walk the walk.

My advice to you is to not see the gifts as obligations to remain in a relationship. Nor is it enough that you just hope for the best, nor is it enough that he keeps making broken promises and pays lip service to your concerns.

As to the other fellow on the horizon. Please don't make the mistake of jumping from the frying pan into the fire. IF you leave your current boyfriend, allow for time to recover, just like you did the last time. Be independent and happy with yourself and your life, before you even consider another man in the picture.

Thank you everyone for your kind answers. We got into a big argument yesterday that went something like this: I was planning on going out with my female friend and I'm a spontaneous person, I plan as I go. When I couldn't tell him what we were doing (how could I tell him something I don't know?)he accused me of hiding something, then he says, "why can't I go?". His dad actually jumped into the conversation (we are 20 and 21 and live at home) and explained that girls need to go out with their friends, that he doesn't have to go. He took this as me again hiding something by not letting him go. Later on into the night I told him I just wanted a normal relationship where I can have friends and go out or even be home without the accusations, he broke up with me because we wanted different things and he's "not going to change", then later on we talked in person and he asked if I still wanted what I said. I said yes, and he said, "you're still single then...just kidding". What does that even mean?


@talaniman: I get where you're coming from - when something is missing from a relationship you natural tendency is to look for it. Not coincidentally the "other guy" is the type that is spontaneous, independent, fun-loving, adventurous, etc... quite frankly everything my boyfriend does not allow me to be, and everything that he is not. I'm the type of person that can be doing one thing and just get up and go for a drive that leads nowhere just because, but he doesn't understand that about me and it causes arguments. The first time we broke up, I gained this sense of freedom and independence that was entirely enlivening and was something I never wanted to lose again. I even got a tattoo to remind myself of what it felt like (basically it's birds flying). Right now that sense is trapped in a box under his bed.

I guess I went back because I thought about him every day, I still loved him, I couldn't let myself wonder "what if", after all, he was promising me everything I'd ever wanted in our previous relationship, and I'm a romantic idealist. He even promised I could still have all the guy friends I had made since we'd broken up, which he later admitted he only said to get me back. I feel like I am in a false relationship, I got into it expecting one thing, being promised one thing, and it being different. Yes he treats me better and like I said I am happy in regards to just us together, but other things are still the same, and no telling when/if he starts treating me like he used to. To be fair, he's told me before that this is how it's going to be, if I want to have guy friends and all that I shouldn't be with him, and I have such a love for him that I was willing to tolerate it in hopes it would fade.

@amicon, You're right, we've only really been back together for a month. It just really sucks because I put so much effort into him being over there, we both did honestly. Still, I had to tell him my every single move via e-mail, when I left, when I got there, who I was with etc. And it's something he expects me to continue doing even though he is here.

If we do break up I do need to stay single, I made the mistake of jumping into another relationship last time. To be honest though, I don't know if I'd have had the courage to leave him if I hadn't.

@jake2008: You are right, but I don't know if he's willing to change, he's already said he isn't going to. I can ask him, tell him our relationship depends on it, but if his control is more important than I am I don't know what to make of it. In our previous relationship, he literally played yo-yo with me. I wanted his attention and affection so badly I was willing to come whenever he called, and cry when he didn't want me there. Now he constantly wants to be with me, we do everything together. He cheated on me, talked to girls online, at work, slept with someone else. As far as I know none of that has been going on, we're usually together so I don't know when it would go on. He doesn't have a job right now since he's come back from deployment so he's always home.

It's hard to factor out the "debt" I feel to him. I'm very much a person who would rather pay my own way and pay other's way if I can. I generally don't accept money unless I really need it, and I never, ever ask for it. So accepting such a great value from him was a huge deal. Part of me feels he did it to win me over, to win my affection etc, part of me feels he did it out of his heart and part of me feels he did it so I would feel that debt. Could be a little bit of everything, I don't know.

It means that you should be single and live a normal life!

Sounds to me that you're holding on for future happiness. You waiting, hoping, that things will be better eventually.

That's not a healthy relationship at all. You're basically setting yourself up for disappointment. There's no guarantee that you'll be happy together in the future. The only guarantee is that you're not happy now.

"What if" things get better and you want to be around for it? If things were to get better, you would see progress all the time. Things don't change overnight, they change over time through improvements.

I don't see any improvements, I see deterioration. If anything, it seems like this is only going to get worse and worse. You're not missing out on anything when the situation only gets worse every day.

As for the other guy, you're setting yourself up for a rebound. It seems like you're too scared to be single and alone.

I strongly suggest that you be single and sort out your life before you start another relationship. It's easier said than done, because you've had another person to depend on for so many years. But maybe what you need the most is to depend on yourself. To be self-seficient. Once you've achieved internal happiness, then you share that happiness with others. That's when you build a strong and healthy relationship.

@ I wish: I think you're right about what you've said. I definitely feel I'm playing the waiting game in regards to the controlling and jealousy issue being over. I feel like I have been constantly convincing myself that there's still the possibility, I played the "well our relationship is unique to us" since I can't say it's healthy or normal.

We've been arguing a lot since the day all hell broke loose when I went out with my female friend without him. I feel like a wall hit me since then. I know I've been acting different around him, I've been saying a lot of, "I am allowed to... [insert random thing he didn't want me to do]." Yesterday he said he might come up to my work to eat lunch with me, and my female friend also asked. So I sent him a text saying she wanted to come up, asked if it was OK that her and I had lunch, said if not he and I still could. She said she'd rather not eat lunch with him because frankly he's nasty to her. He ended up not coming, throwing a fit saying I was choosing her over him, so I just ate lunch with her. Later on he tells me that she's trying to break us up, all the sudden she wants to hang out without him, that my mom is also telling me to break up with him.. none of which is true. No matter what I said I was only defending my friend in his eyes. I think he's literally paranoid, which makes me feel guilty about questioning our relationship. I feel like he doesn't mean to do the things he does, that he just feels vulnerable and scared. He's convinced I'm going to leave him, which I've told him if things don't change I will have no choice.

I also told him a few days ago that he needs to stop calling me 2385320 times if I don't answer the call. He's done it every day since then. Yesterday I was at work and had 18 missed calls from him, plus texts, but he didn't get why it wasn't right, why I couldn't answer. Granted the first couple I ignored because he had ignored me earlier because of the lunch thing, but after the calls kept coming it got frustrating.