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Hi, my parner has told me that I don't turn him on. He is just being honest! He has had loads of previous partners and I haven't, so I'm trying to use my imagination, that's if I can find it!! I just don't seem to know where to start. Im 40 by the way, so I have had sex a few times but just never with someone who has had loads of experience. Please help as this is very important to me.
NO doubt you feel self conscious here. You are the inexperienced person in the relationship. He should treat that as a plus! Not something to make you feel inferior or undesirable.
Isn't part of the relationship the chemistry? The attraction and turn-on? Does he state why he feels that way? Did he state that from the beginning? Since he is the one with the sexual experience, he should be working with you to make you feel comfortable and sexy, showing how appreciative he is that you have chosen him to share your life with.
What does he like about women? The way they wear make-up, dress, attitude, etc. that he feels turns him on? Will he discuss this with you? He needs to be communicating with you about what makes his clock tick, so to speak. You cannot be the one out there trying to figure this out on your own.
One thing, do not ever apologize for your lack of sexual experiences. Many men actually do not want a woman who can boast of the most. Here is a basic good site about sexuality: Society for Human Sexuality Can search many things there. Best to you.
Men are all different, some men like totally different things, So is this an overall issue, like you don't turn him on at all, then he is just not the right guy for you, since he should be turned on by just you being around.
So talk with him and find out what it is he is wanting, if it is not a complete change of who you are, talking can work things out.
You definitely need to talk with him about it... if you feel awkward about asking straight out about it (although you shouldn't, since you're open enough about it to talk about it thus far) for whatever reason, tease him with it and try to get hints as to what he might find interesting. Or fire up a bit of dirty talk during the act, and then work from his responses.
One possibility that springs to mind immediately is that, since you know he has more experience, you're likely somewhat passive in the act. Take a more aggressive stance, and put yourself in control... at the very least it'll be something different, and it may open the gate to naturally progressing through towards what he needs from you.
Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
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Although not in TOO much detail! ;)
Hi, thanks for the replies! I haven't changed a thing! In fact I haven't even went anywhere near him. I don't know why but I'm just shy with him. If he doesn't make the first move then nothing happens. He has told me he doesn't want to start the ball rolling all the time. But I just seem to clamp up and don't go near him at all. He is a very passionate man, he needs to be held and kissed and more. But if I don't go near him, he just backs off from me saying if its him all the time I won't ever be able to start things off. He tries to in courage me all the time, tells me he gives me all the freedom I need. So where do I start, I feel silly coming on to him, I suppose I'm just not used to having such a passionate caring partner and now I have one I'm just over whelmed with it all. Any more information would be fantastic!!
Cheers Kim x
Maybe this guy is just not the one for you. If you do not know, who is supposed to teach you? There are many things one can learn online, but this is not likely one of them. There are tips and information out there, but if you feel awkward starting, and he is not helping... you might need a new boyfriend. One who can appreciate your shyness and work with you to bring out the bedroom vixen. It takes time and patience, love and understanding, acceptance and a sense of adventure. But if your mind is not "there" it will make the bedroom more of a emotional trauma than ever need be.
It seem like he wants and wants but isn't giving. It's not your problem, it's his. If you don't turn him on, ask him what does? Why is it he expects you to be able to turn him on automatically if your not as expericenced. Kiss him when he's least expecting it. Come on to him. If the cehemistry isn't there, well he's not the one and move on to Mr.Right.
Okay, don't feel bad for your inexperience. You should be proud of the way you are, and he should be kissing the ground that you walk. He shouldn't be making you feel so uncomfortable. Right now, you feel all this pressure because of him being overly experience. You got to remember most but not all men are meant to be experienced. Remember that whatever men do society makes them out to be Machos. On the other hand, you know when it comes to the whole sexual ordeal. Women contrair to men, if they are promiscous they are seen like Prostitutes. Which I believe is a double stander, but that's the way life is. Anyway, hey is good to be inexperience and finding someone who "loves you" to appreciate you. He has to value you for the precious gem that you are, if he doesn't then he doesn't deserve you. Instead of telling you that you don't turn him on, he should be telling you what does move his boat. When he met you, he knew who you were, so why is he complaining now. It should feel good to him having someone who saved themselves for the right person. A person that didn't become a loose canon in such world of tentations. You lived your life, but you were a one man person. You are a plus humanbeing, and if he doesn't see that you made the wrong choice. Communication is key to everything in life, for lack of it so many things go wrong around the world. Sometimes we communicate but not the way we should be communicating. It takes two or more people to communicate. It seems that he is doing all the talking with a negative approach, you need to have him listen to how you feel. Tell him, you met me this way. I never made myself appear to be a professional in the intimacy field, and you still chose to be with me. I'm no porno star baby, but I can if you teach me. Your one and only star. You have the experience, why not share it with me. Please don't make me feel like I need to be taking a course. Tell me what you like, show me how to do it , and I will give you the world. Be my teacher, I will gladly be your student. Your my partner and I love you. Besides there are so many things that are extremely important too besides sexual intimacy. It seems that happiness to him went towards that side of the brain only, which is something you have to deal with for life if you plan to be with him forever. Communicate and everything will be fine. Good luck!
I'm 24 and has gone through the same thing my boyfriend is 27 and has had many sex partners unlike me, and he once told me that I wasn't turning him on so now I do things for him like (once a month we have strip night at first I was kind of nervous but its really fun) little things like that makes a lot of difference so just ask him if you don't already know what he likes for you to do that's what I did and now he can't get enough of meQuote:
Originally Posted by scottishkim
I have always found that sending him sexy texts while he is at work helps get him in the mood. Once you've got him all wound up, hold out for a bit. Strip for him, give him a back rub or simply touch yourself in front of him. If all else fails, whip out the whipped cream. Not only is it a fun way to cheat on your diet but it gives you a reason to "clean him up". Maybe he will even invite you into the tub with him after to REALLY get clean.Quote:
Originally Posted by scottishkim
If you are 40 and shy and clumsy about sex like a 16 year old, you need some good solid lessons in female sexuality and how your body works! You have to unite your mind, body and passion.
Find a good sex therapist to help you defrost! Time is a wastin'!!
This will change your life for the better in so many ways. :)
Good Luck Girl!
Thread closed.
The OP hasn't been back since February of 07.
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