We just moved in together and we both work but my salary isn't half of what his is, to me its not about the competition on who gets the most but what bothers is that he has to pay for more things than I do. I know I don't have much of a choice but I feel bad about it. We are starting of new so there is still a lot of things we should buy and it's the rent and other expenses and all I can contribute to is half the rent. Most woman tell me that its not that bad and that its my husbands job to look after me. Worst of all they all want to be twenty first century woman and have all the advantages and then they also don't want to work and have the advantages of the 80's woman? Why am I finding this so difficult?

You shouldn't feel bad about doing what you can.
You both understood the finances when you decided to cohabitate I assume.

I think a relationship works on cooperation like that.
In this world you may very well have your turn to carry the weight at some time and would you want him to feel badly if he was doing all he could?

You cannot be expected to do more than give your best effort.
Which you seem to be doing.

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to martinizing2 again - nicley said Martinz.

If in the future it works out that you earm more than your husband do you think he should feel bad about that?

In a relationship both parties bring what they can to the table, in terms of skills, personal qualities, money, time, etc. If it is given and received with a generous heart then no need to keep score.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by martinizing2

You shouldn't feel bad about doing what you can.
You both understood the finances when you decided to cohabitate I assume.

I think a relationship works on cooperation like that.
In this world you may very well have your turn to carry the weight at some time and would you want him to feel badly if he was doing all he could?

You cannot be expected to do more than give your best effort.
Which you seem to be doing.

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Thanks and I haven't thought about it like that. I'll try and see the brighter side of it, I am finishing with my accounting course in a year:)

Marriage is different than having a live in boyfriend, or a roommate. Under those arrangements, you maintain your independence, and likely split things down the middle, or have some sort of an arrangement of equality i.e. you do the cooking and cleaning to make up for him paying the light bill.

Marriage is becoming a life long partner, sharing and pooling ALL resources, for the benefit of the marriage, and the couple. Both benefit from marital assets throughout the term of the marriage. You buy a house together, with shared money, and both benefit equally regardless of who contributed the most money.

Money is a small part of what makes up a marriage. It is together that you plan, dream, accomplish and enjoy, what you do together. Equality in a marriage isn't about who makes the most money. Again, it is about the sharing of a life, and all that that entails.

It isn't, as your friends suggest, up to him to 'take care of you'. It is the two of you, taking care of each other, and goes far beyond the bank balance. You contribute what you can, he contributes what he can, and the total is shared. That you make less money than he does, does not mean that you are less worthy, or delegated to a slave or somehow have to feel inadequate, or not contributing enough.

As someone who has been married a very long time, I can tell you that if you start feeling less than equal, you will remain there unless you change your attitude a bit. Accept that even though your finanical means are not as great as his, it makes up very little of what it takes to make a marriage work. While you worry about the dollars and cents, you are underestimating yourself, and your contribution to the marriage- as a whole.

And as it has been pointed out, over the long haul, you may find that at times you make more than he does, or he will be laid off work, or his income will be drastically cut. That is something that you get through together, and will be far more important than the bank balance.

At the moment he makes more than you do- so what. Put the time you waste worrying about that into building a healthy marriage. Let the guilt go.

And, when you talk to him about this bothering you, believe him when he says it doesn't matter how much you earn. His words are the only ones that matter, not your friends.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

Marriage is different than having a live in boyfriend, or a roommate. Under those arrangements, you maintain your independence, and likely split things down the middle, or have some sort of an arrangement of equality ie you do the cooking and cleaning to make up for him paying the light bill.

Marriage is becoming a life long partner, sharing and pooling ALL resources, for the benefit of the marriage, and the couple. Both benefit from marital assets throughout the term of the marriage. You buy a house together, with shared money, and both benefit equally regardless of who contributed the most money.

Money is a small part of what makes up a marriage. It is together that you plan, dream, accomplish and enjoy, what you do together. Equality in a marriage isn't about who makes the most money. Again, it is about the sharing of a life, and all that that entails.

It isn't, as your friends suggest, up to him to 'take care of you'. It is the two of you, taking care of eachother, and goes far beyond the bank balance. You contribute what you can, he contributes what he can, and the sum total is shared. That you make less money than he does, does not mean that you are less worthy, or delegated to a slave or somehow have to feel inadequate, or not contributing enough.


As someone who has been married a very long time, I can tell you that if you start off feeling less than equal, you will remain there unless you change your attitude a bit. Accept that even though your finanical means are not as great as his, it makes up very little of what it takes to make a marriage work. While you worry about the dollars and cents, you are underestimating yourself, and your contribution to the marriage- as a whole.

And as it has been pointed out, over the long haul, you may find that at times you make more than he does, or he will be laid off work, or his income will be drastically cut. That is something that you get through together, and will be far more important than the bank balance.

At the moment he makes more than you do- so what. Put the time you waste worrying about that into building a healthy marriage. Let the guilt go.

And, when you talk to him about this bothering you, believe him when he says it doesn't matter how much you earn. His words are the only ones that matter, not your friends.

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Thank you very much, I talked to him about it today and all he did is kiss me on my cheek and tell me that I worry too much. He said he married me for who I am and not for what I make each year. He says dinner and a bath now and again makes up for it all:D