Help! I have been in a strong relationship with a married woman for 5 years. She is my soulmate, lover and best friend and I know she feels the same. Her husband has been violent towards her in the past more than once but that has calmed down, however the verbal abuse is as strong as ever. He even makes her watch him slap himself which I can't get my head around. The police were called out by neighbours a few years ago but nothing happened.She has been telling me she is going to leave him for the past five months and nothing has happened. I have told her I will stand by her and do whatever I can to support her. I see how unhappy she is and I do believe she wants to leave, so why won't she? He is a wealthy but she tells me money is not the issue. Why does a woman choose to live like this constantly walking on egg shells? They stopped sleeping together for a few months but I recently found out that they are again sharing the same bed, she tells me this is not her choice. Am I just a love sick fool? Oh she has two children and she tells me he is a good father. However they have seen mum degraded and shouted at since they were toddlers. I have tried everything I can think of to get through to her and it break my heart to say it but, I am starting to think we have no future. What do I do to help?

Seems like you are beating your head against the wall and to all intents and purposes, she doesn't want to leave the money, and probably a nice home, and give up some of the things she has accumulated. She can't really mind how she is living with your husband, or she would be out of there. Nope, I would call your relationship with her a dead end, Beagle. Sorry to say, but that is what I am reading into what you have told us.

They are sharing the same bed again, so you can't tell me there is nothing going on between them.

Tick

For starters, it's an affair. Before listing the actual husband's many defaults and questionable life's choices perhaps it is best to examine the other players involved in this.

Nevertheless, moral issues aside, of course there is no future. You sir, are one of the many thousands that enter into affairs and end up getting hooked on 'the future'.

It is one thing for a woman to entertain another man while married with kids, quite another for her to leave them for said other man.

I mean, really, knowing how easy and often this sort of thing happens, are you really that fooled by love? Your mind is racing and balancing between will she leave her family or am I being duped, you need'nt. It is positively the latter.

Consider that despite the purported abuse, she remains with him. It's not money, it's not love, well, it's got to be something!!

Most likely it is because very few would up and leave a family for another man. Risking getting caught, sure. Not willfully ending it. You are an affair to her, she is a love for you, can't and won't happen.

Short of getting found out and this never happening in the first place, it is as it should be.

I do believe she has been conditioned over the lasf fifteen years. I see how unhappy she is and I just don't know how to get her to make the final push

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Originally Posted by tickle
Seems like you are beating your head against the wall and to all intents and purposes, she doesn't want to leave the money, and probably a nice home, and give up some of the things she has accumulated. She can't really mind how she is living with your husband, or she would be out of there. Nope, I would call your relationship with her a dead end, Beagle. Sorry to say, but that is what I am reading into what you have told us.

They are sharing the same bed again, so you can't tell me there is nothing going on between them.

Tick

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Sorry never done chat rooms before. She did ask me two weeks ago to comfront him. Prob is I am ex soldier and who now drives a truck. He is in high business position. I know it would end up physical which I know is not the answer as it would be me that would go to jail. Don't get me wrong I dream of meeting him but I want a future

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Originally Posted by Beagle66

I do believe she has been conditioned over the lasf fifteen years. I see how unhappy she is and I just dont know how to get her to make the final push

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Of course she is conditioned... to her lifestyle, Beagle. Are you wealthy, have a lovely residence, the sound of children's laughter throughout. You can't even compete with what I am thinking.

My suggestion is, leave her be, don't contact her (if you really want her). Give her space maybe go away where there can't be any physical contact. Just to see what comes out of this unprecedented move on your part. She knows where you are, she knows she can contact you when feeling down, needs the closeness of someone not involved in her home life. It is my guess that you jump whenever she calls; you appear too needy... imo, don't be needy, don't be there just go away for the time being. Take a vacation; could be in a different location you will encounter a different outlook (I hope maybe a totally different encounter :) Which will put a fresh spin on your present predicament. And a predicament it is!

Tick

Tick

Yes, you are acting like a love sick fool. It is not your business to confront him. If she wants out of the marriage, she needs to decide when enough is enough and end it.

Have you actually witnessed the things she has told you about how awful she has it? Or is it simply what she has told you?

Why did you get involved in the first place with a married woman? Did she not tell you from the start that she was married? Has she kept you hanging on in hopes that she will get a divorce at some point?

You help her by getting out of the picture. It very well may be that she is unhappy and wants to leave, but having you to go to keeps her from taking that step. It may be she has no intention of leaving, despite what she may tell you.

Let her know that you are going to back out so that she is free to really take a honest look at her marriage and decide what she wants to do.

You then will need to decide why you would want to be with a woman who is a liar and a cheater? How would you ever trust her? Because she says she loves you? Of course her husband believed that too.

She does not have to leave her husband. You offer her the escape that she needs when she needs it. That probably enables her to handle everything else. She doesn't want to end her marriage and all that comes with that - uprooting the children, moving out on her own, dealing with lawyers and not to mention how those around her would react. Perhaps she just sees that as too much to give up, but still loves what you provide... the escape.

I would suggest moving on and as someone else said, don't be accessible to her. Then you will see if she's serious about leaving him or not. Either way, you should move on to someone who is available to you.

Good luck!

Sorry never done chat rooms before. she did ask me two weeks ago to comfront him. Prob is i am ex soldier and who now drives a truck. He is in high business position. I know it would end up physical which I know is not the answer as it would be me that would go to jail. Dont get me wrong I dream of meeting him but I want a future

Beagle, please don't use the comments feature, use the reply. It is more comprehensive to this board. This isn't a chat room actually. It is a question and answer board.

I don't know what her purpose is in asking you to confront him; that to me is totally off the wall. If she was concerned about your well being and cared for you, she would not ask you to do that. Strange.

It seems you two men are from completely different walks of life and I am seeing a pattern here where she is concerned. You are her 'bad guy' image. Seems to me she gets her kicks out of your lifestyle. Mind you, I don't know anyone of you from a hole in the ground, but this is a typical woman thing. You get her out of the 'ordinary' purpose of her lifestyle into something that is completely contrary to the way she has been.

Well, I'm in the same situation and I have been for the last two years.

What I couldn't understand is that thousands of people leave their marriages every week. The divorce rate is around 50%. So why doesn't an unhappy woman leave her marriage?

My wisdom of the week is that some people decide to deal with the problems by leaving the marriage, and others deal with the problems by having an affair. Someone having an affair has decided, by definition, to stay in the marriage.

Of course, there is some overlap. A very small number of people start an affair and then decide to leave and be with the affair partner.

It's not for the money, or the children, or any of that either. Those are just excuses. The reason she has decided to stay (and have an affair) is that she is afraid of leaving. Afraid of change, afraid of making another mistake, afraid of being alone. You, her lover, don't change any of that, however much she loves you. She knows that the reality of your life together will be different from an affair, and could just be another mistake.

I am at the culmination of a similar scenario. I've been in a relationship with a married woman for two years. I was in the process of a divorce when she came back into my life. I had known her over 20 years before and we lost contact. We had feelings for one another then, but she was dating a good friend at the time. When they split, we lost contact.

For over a year and a half, about two months into our relationship, he moved out. Her kids would spend a few days a week at his house, and usually a day or two every weekend. That was our time together. I accepted this, but had asked her to divorce him if she really wanted to be with me. She always said she couldn't due to the kids (son has emotional/mental issues). But she occasionally promised she would divorce him eventually, even as recently as two weeks before our most major split to date.

About 8 months ago, she started acting... weird. She would start fights for no reason about once or twice a month. Every time I would ask her if she wanted time apart, even going so far as to stop contact for a few days, but she would always try to pull me back in. like a sucker, I fell for it each time. A few months later, the suspicion started up, and I would ask her questions like, do you still love him? Or, are you two trying to fix your marriage? The answer was always, no, I love you and I will divorce eventually.

Issues with her kids started getting worse, and she told me her therapist had suggested letting him move back in so the kids would not have to bounce back and forth. Maybe that might help her kids. He did move back in, and my time with her became almost non-existent. We would occasionally meet for brief periods, but never enough.

I met with her at our usual rendezvous point one morning recently, and he 'accidentally' left his phone in the car (hidden - surprise, surprise), and using the gps, tracked us and activated the voice recorder. I had found about an evening a month before when she said she went to a concert alone in another city. I had found a YouTube video of her and him from that concert, and confronted her about it. Asked her to return my house keys, and said she needed to decide and we would no longer talk until she did. Later that morning I got a text message from him, saying he knew where we were, and to leave her alone. I had decided to do that anyway...

That night and the next day, I got emails from her, still professing her love to me, but now she was confused between feelings for me and him. I spoke to him on the phone that night, a rather pleasant conversation actually, and I am an honest person so I told him that I was in love with her, and I thought she with me according to what she's been telling me for two years. Turns out that when she started acting weird, it was because at that time they had decided to work on fixing their marriage, just as I had suspected. I offered to provide him all of the correspondence I had with her (volumes) and he declined, saying he didn't want to know.

Two days ago, I get a message saying to leave them alone (I hadn't contacted her since her emails days before) and they talked and were going to fix their marriage. Today I get an email from her asking for copies of all the correspondence, with him on copy. He responded saying he wants copies too. Later in the day my phone rings and it's her. I didn't answer. I honestly think it was him who had her phone and sent the email and called to trap me into responding to her. The call was from her cell while she should have been at work, and she always calls me during the day from her work phone. So I suspect it was him.

I have a bad feeling about what he's trying to do - he seems a bit mentally unstable and vengeful. I'm staying as far away as possible, even though it hurts because I fell in love with her, and I thought she had fallen in love with me, as well.

My only recourse is to stay away from her and move on to someone else. Since she lied to me for months (maybe years) I can never trust her again. Doesn't mean my feelings for her are gone, but I have to move on. Unfortunately I have no closure by her telling me why she did it. I probably never will. But I know I have to get over her and find someone else.

What sucks so bad is that my kids loved her dearly, and they are crushed that they will never see her again. My advice to anyone in my position, don't do it, and definitely don't let your kids meet her if you do.

Get out before it's too late.

You are her port in a storm. She loves you perhaps but she also loves her abusive husband. The upheaval of such a great change is too much too burden her with.I expect that she is coping only due to the fact she can run to you when it is too much at home. Don't put extra pressure on her.Just being there for her is what she
Needs.If there is pressure from both sides what are her options then?
It is not the morals that need to be examined as it has gone past that stage and I think all things considered HER children's physical and emotional wellbeing are paramount as are hers.
The future is not up for consideration for her and in her mnd maybe there are no alternatives to the right now because she is swamped by demands that are unreslistic and she will seek a backdoor out of it all and that could be ANYTHING or ANYONE Just to be in peace for a moment. She does not deserve this. Clear The debris so she may see herself again..

If she is married, she is not your best friend OR soul mate ( what a stupid term). She stays with him because there are things you do not know about their relationship. And you will probably never know what they are. You are her candy. She knows she can dump any story on you about her hubby and you will give her all the sympathy in the world. She is playing you. Yes, you love her. She is playing you.