I suffer from depression, but have not been able to make myself get help. My husband is planning on leaving me as soon as he gets his next paycheck in a few days. He has his own issues (anger, gambling), but he tries to project them on anything but the real issues. His latest thing is wanting to move across the country (honestly, because of a TV show) - he claims that this state is the root of all is anger and that we would have a perfect life if we would just move. My whole family who has always been there for me is right here. I love that my kids get such a close relationship with their family. Even if I wanted to move (which I don't), I could never trust him enough to pick up and leave behind my entire support system. I have a good job that I've had for many years while he jumps from job to job; rarely has he been at a job for more than a year. He seems to delight in hurting my feelings, and when I get hurt, he just gets angry and tells me to knock it off and get over it - that I'm just trying to make him feel guiltier than he already is. There is no comfort from him. And I don't feel like I can tell my family because they have already lost a lot of trust in him after the gambling issues. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to raise my 3 kids on my own. I have just given so much of my heart and soul to him, that I don't know if I can survive this.

Moving wouldn't help! In all likelihood it would only intensify the existing problems.

You've done a good job of elucidating the issues. That will lead you to a sound decision. Your only source of personal support is currently through your family. Given your description of your husbands behavior, you're going to need them to get through the separation. Your children will also need the extended family support.

The projection you attribute to your husband is probably right on target and an astute observation. A common response to behavioral based problems. So is attempting to move away from the problem. We call it the geographic cure. Of course it doesn't work.

You seem to be the stabilizing element in the relationship. It's important from your standpoint and for your children that you keep a clear head, act by reason and not emotion.

I know that's easier said than done. But as you move through this difficult period, you will sustain and I have a feeling that your depression will begin to lift as well.

But you will need support. Stay close to your base. You are fortunate to have a supporting family.

Contrary to your initial statement, you do know what to do. It's just a little difficult to face. But it sounds like you have the tools to handle it.

I can't add much to DrBill!
I will suggest that you DO tell your family. I'm not clear on why you haven't. You say 'because they have already lost trust in him,' so isn't that even more reason to tell them, since you now are joining them in that lack of trust? I highly doubt that they will say I told you so! If they do, try to get past that so that you can get their much needed help. Since you have a job I assume that you will need help watching the children, and will also appreciate the comfort they can provide during the shock of being left.

Maybe I should clarify that I haven't told my family so far about these issues because I've hoped (in vain I know) that things will get better and I know that would change things for them. Even when spouses work together to move on, I have seen that it's 10 times harder for parents to forgive the spouse that did their child wrong. Of course, if he really does leave this time, they will be the first ones I call.

I know in my head that things would probably be better, or at least more stable without him, but it's so hard. I think what is so frustrating is that I know that mainly this is in his head and if he would try to get help, he might get to the actual root of the issue and make some progress (I know I'm one to talk since I can't seem to make myself see my doctor about my depression). I know he will self-destruct without me and that he will either be crawling back in no time (and if he really leaves, I refuse to take him back) or disappear from our lives forever.

I am also so overwhelmed by the thought of trying to do this all alone. 3 kids, a house (that I wouldn't be able to afford anymore); the thought of it is too much. I didn't want my kids to be dad-less.

I married & divorced my first husband very young, and I thought this time was going to be forever. And that's what he told me way back when too - that he didn't even believe in divorce; when he got married, it was going to be forever.

Thank you letting me talk to you.

My guess is your family already have a good idea what's going on, tell them and let them help, trying to cover up takes so much energy and takes away your power, also he knows that you cover up which in turn makes it easier for him.

Him leaving may the just what he needs to realise what he has now, and if he does return it won't be without terms and conditions, i.e, getting into AA, with no co- pilot to help and blame, when he's on his own he may realise its all up to him.

For some people secrets can be toxic, the 'covering up' the covering up trying to remember to square the pitch daily is exhausting.

You need a break, maybe if he leaves your energy will return, your vision will clear and you will realise yourself your stronger then you could ever have imagined.

The finances are an issue but there only a small part of a big picture, you'll be surprised at what you can achieve in a short time when you have a little information and the drive to make it work, i.e. the house and money.

As for the kids, one healthy strong parent is better then two broken and tired parents, they will survive and be happy if they have you.

It's funny in a way that you say this:

"The projection you attribute to your husband is probably right on target and an astute observation. A common response to behavioral based problems."

He often tells me to knock off the "psychology crap" if I try to have a real discussion with him about what we could do to try to make things better. I've often wondered if would be a good psychologist if I weren't so messed up myself. The intellect is there, but the emotions have a way of overtaking everything else in my case.