My husband is 25 I am 36. We have been married for three years. I look the same as I did when he met me. For the last two years we have had little to no sex life. He has cheated on me in the past, but isn't and hasn't since. He looks at porn sites several times a day and masturbates at least twice a day. When I confront him about it he denies it even when I show him his computer history and the sperm he leaves on our bathroom floor. His response to my questions why is, I'm not doing anything wrong lets have sex. At that point I'm so disgusted w/him that all I want to do is punch him in the balls (of course I don't act on that impulse) and say to him it's wrong if you’re neglecting/denying your wife! On the rare occasions that we do have sex it's ALWAYS from behind and not at all intimate. I'm confused because he watches mostly amateur porn so most of the women look like me some are even much older, a different race or quite large. So assuming he likes all types of women why doesn't he want me? I honestly wouldn't care at all about him watching porn if it wasn't taking the place of me. I have told him I would watch it with him or even do the things with him the women on the porn do as. He says OK, but we never do any of it. I ask him all the time if he's happy with me and say to him if he isn't he should be honest because if he lies he is being unfair to the both of us. He says he loves me with all his heart and only wants me. He is constantly telling me he loves me and says it over and over until I say it back to him and if I don't he will continually ask me if I love him until I answer and if I say no or I don't know he gets mad and says YES YOU DO! Anytime I mention leaving/divorcing him he gets extremely angry and basically flat out refuses to accept that as an option. What is wrong with him? He obviously has some kind of issue. My biggest fear is that he has some sort of "mother" complex with me. I love him so very much and I have been through a lot with him in the short time we have been together, too much for me to just walk away now. I do know that this isn't healthy and it has to change at some point or walking away will be my only option. What can I do? :confused:

He isn't watching porn instead of having sex with you from what I'm reading. He's watching porn, masturbating and then having sex with you. You may want sex in a different position but you're married to him and presumably can talk to him. Tell him that. Maybe he's addicted. Maybe it's something else.

I'm working on him masturbating and leaving a puddle of "sperm" on the floor.

Sorry if my question was long and confusing. He isn't having sex with me, but swears he loves and wants me.


I have talked to him over and over and nothing ever changes.

There are so many things that can affect sex drive I always recommend a visit to the doctor for a checkup to eliminate many of the possibilities.

Most men will look at porn and masturbate even if they are experiencing added stress , alcohol or drug abuse which all can reduce or eliminate the libido.
Could any of these be factors?

I feel the real key would be better communication . Talking and communicating are separate items and it sounds like you talk but don't communicate.

Tell him how you feel.
I think from what you have told us that you will not be able to live with the status quo .
Which means he could wind up alone unless he is willing to try and make the situation better.

Brutal honesty is sometimes what draws responses. CALM brutal honesty.

Adults with problems must be able to talk about them in order to understand and correct whatever is necessary.

I would also suggest counselling from a professional , which is a tough thing to get started. Men usually are the ones to shy away or outright refuse to try, but it can make a world of difference I can attest to personally.

I was reading that he has asked to have sex and you have turned him down and that you do have sex, just not frequently:

"I'm not doing anything wrong lets have sex. At that point I'm so disgusted w/him that all I want to do is punch him in the balls (of course I don't act on that impulse) and say to him it's wrong if you’re neglecting/denying your wife!! On the rare occasions that we do have sex it's ALWAYS from behind and not at all intimate."

You have misunderstood what I said. What that meat was that the ONLY time he says that is when I confront him about the porn and masturbation after I am angry, upset, and hurt. He says that in a very sarcastic manner. He doesn't mean it. Of course I'm going to say no! Who would want to have sex in that situation? I'm not a nymphomaniac and I'm not desperate. Why does this keep getting turned around on me? Should I just ignore his behavior and beg for it like a dog with no pride?? How am I the one doing wrong here??

I didn't mean that last reply to offend.. I'm just frustrated.


@ martinizing2 I have talked to him in every way I know how. We have even had some marriage counseling, but he wasn't honest during the sessions so it didn't help. However I did sit him down and read him a few articles I found on the topic today and he for the first time asked me what I wanted him to do. I told him I think he should see a professional. He said he would think about it. @ JudyKayTee he's watching porn, masturbating and completely neglecting me.

If he "invited" me would I have sex with my husband after he watched porn and masturbated? Yes. Maybe that's just me. I'm not saying it's the right decision for you.

It sounds like there are intimacy problems at every level in your marriage. You don't talk, you don't have sex.

I think you are letting pride based on how you think he should or shouldn't act get in your way. Basically you can't make anyone do anything - maybe a counsellor can. Maybe he's addicted to masturbation. I don't know but it appears that the more you criticize and nag the more he's going underground (and the more frequent) with his behavior.

There has to be a middle road.

I agree with you I am no good at handling this situation. I used to be more understanding and patient with him, but I have long since lost my patience. I hope that we made a breakthrough today when I read him the articles about other men/couples that are going through the same thing. I am going to give him some space and time to process what we discussed today and hopefully he will realize he/we have a problem that we need help with before we end up apart.

Quote:

---

@ martinizing2 I have talked to him in every way I know how. We have even had some marriage counseling, but he wasn't honest during the sessions so it didn't help. However I did sit him down and read him a few articles I found on the topic today and he for the first time asked me what I wanted him to do. I told him I think he should see a professional. He said he would think about it. @ JudyKayTee he's watching porn, masturbating and completely neglecting me.

---

That is at least some progress ,

Even him "thinking about it" is more encouraging than "hell no!" which is the usual first reaction .
Showing him articles was a good idea. That is good communication... and again keep working on the communication , it will make your entire life easier if you can communicate with each other well.

Just because he will not go to counseling doesn't mean you should not go yourself. The problem as I see it is more a lack of communications than any thing as artificial as porn. Sure you have problems. We all do. But ways to honestly express them is the main requirement to solving them.

Lack of sex is usually a symptom of problems in other areas of the marriage, and its so glaringly obvious that you two don't know how to talk TO each other nor listen, but you easily blame him, when its seldom the fault of one or the other but you both play a role in this disconnect. These things take a lifetime to fix, and you better be patient and pay attention, as change is a very slow process, and seems to me, you are just getting started.

Its very hard for the bodies to agree, when the minds do not. I see a need for you both to make adjustments to whatever program you have been following, and curious as to if YOU had masturbated, or even watched porn with your husband? Only by understanding your partner better can you attempt to get on the same page and make the right adjustments for you BOTH to be happy. Yes I read where you were willing to do as some of the porn stars do, but it seems you are waiting for him to say what that is and when you attempt it. He may not realize this through the conflicts you are having.

That's what honest communications is about. Its obvious he doesn't understand YOU, and that's your responsibility to show him, in a way he can understand. Its important to not take these conflicts personally also, as it has little to do with you, but how you both interact with each other, and the lack of good communications skills. It's a big mistake to think sexual attention, frequency, or the lack of it has anything to do with love, loyalty, but its all about being disconnected mentally.

You have other areas of this marriage to address for sure, that goes beyond having sex.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I now have some better insight on how to work on the issue and how to work on me. I will keep you all posted on how it's coming along :)